Healing, Choices and Responsibility.....

[Ales2]

In my healing process I am trying to understand a few things - specifically what choices I am responsible for and what my choices are now.  The problem I am having is that I have never been irresponsible on purpose, but there were places where I was blind to where I was abdicating responsibility. Thats kind of a  big difference.  It also meant that I was sometimes powerless in my choices  - for example - my choices are different when you acknowledge by Mother is an N, but w/o that knowledge, people will assume shes just "difficult" and then my choices are different.  Another example is an abusive workplace with a bully boss. If someone were to say its abusive or he's a bully, it makes sense to leave. But w/o that distinction, when you leave, people call you a quitter or you're not able to handle to competition or its assumed you are not competent. None of which would be true.   For me, I did not know my Mother was N until I was 40, and I stayed in several jobs that I should have left or asserted myself in order to be able to allow me to stay. Ironically, I'm not the quitter, I never left, but in two, I should have.

I'm not sure if I am making myself entirely clear here - obviously, I made some choices based on what others might think or out of lack of knowledge. Things are different now - I was only powerless because I was insecure, fear of being judged and misled.  In other words, I want to own/accept responsibility for my choices so I can make better ones, but I feel duped and I'm not sure how to rectify that.  I have a lot of healing to do based on the consequences of the choices I made.

Any advice on this?  I will be reading everything I can get my hands on today about healing, choices and responsibility.

All the best to you,

[Hopalong]

Hi Ales,
I'm thinking you need to view yourself with great compassion, and embrace yourself with complete kindness.

So, if you left at the ideal time or did not leave, chose wisely or did not choose wisely, could be viewed by others one way or another in response, it is all dwarfed in a tide of compassion.

Recognizing yourself as a striving human, as full of mistakes and grace as any other, with as much right to self-love and forgiveness as any other.

I think sometimes the biggest struggle is to give ourselves permission to be in the present, to simply make our small choices, do the best we can and even when we can't, to love and forgive ourselves anyway.

Let that be your default state...the kindness you show yourself as you reflect will make comparisons lose their power.

IMO, fwiw, hugs,

Hops

[Ami]

Dear Ales
  Perhaps you are doing what I do: want to think I can control how I am. I tried SOOO hard to be a good mother, but I could not help my son.
 I tried NOT to be like my M. I tried to give my children a good mother.I was but I married an abusive man and so I falied. I falied but I could not help it.
 Life gets so beyond you. It just weaves and dodges and you are trying to make it OK and you look and it is all at your feet.
 Ales, I think you tried to do what you thought was right.  When you have more info, you make better choices. I wish I could undo and undo.             xxooo Ami
 

[Nonameanymore]

Hi Ales,

When I started my recovery from various issues including codependency, I came across a book called 'Adult child's guide to what's normal'. That's how bad it was!
I think you are talking a lot about external validation - you mention who will take into consideration if your boss is N so that it will not make you a quitter. But who cares? If you are dealing with a situation that directly affects you, triggers certain behaviours, brings up issues, only you can say if the decision to quit or not is the right one. I guess it's trial and error.

I am dealing with the consequences of the choices I made and the hardest part is now to deal with the new choices I am making daily during my recovery as they seem out of character to a lot of people around - recently I had one that happened that caused a serious rift between me and my best friend of 15 years.

I guess - and I am not sure if this answers your question or I am just rumbling - the point is to acknowledge to yourself that you do have a choice and that yes you have to live with the consequences of your choice. But another book I read talks about never making the wrong choice, meaning every choice leads you to a different experience. I believe in the latter very much so, especially when I label some choice as bad: I just wait to see what it will bring.

Sorry to be so philosophical and vague!

P

[teartracks]

Hi Ales,
None of us, even the ones who had wholesome home environments, have lived perfect lives.  We've all fallen short and made bad choices along the way.

If I'm interpreting your initial question right, you're asking if you have a moral responsibility, to set right (to the degree it is possible), the negative effects  that ill-informed past choices may have had on others, especially those choices made while still under the influence of your mother's narcissism?

If this is along the lines of what you're asking, I have some experiences and ideas I'd be willing to share.

tt

[rugrats5]

Ales,
      I too have made lots of poor choices but as my therapist says "I didn't have a good role model (meaning my NM) and my dad moved out of the house when I was 10 and I had no one for support. I went to church but the person who I thought was to be supportive and etc.. raped me at 11years old. My grandparents were around but my grandmother was N and I did look up to my grandfather but I was scared of him as he was a police commissioner so I avoided him. He passed aawat early on in my life. But my therapist says by talking to her and to others and sharing what I am feeling or if i am confused on a situation as to what to do it is laid out there and I can get ideas and helpful hints and what other see as "normal" in life . I'll give you an example: I amde some poor choices with my children. I have 5 of them. My two oldest which are 19 and 17 both have babies. I have a grandson and a granddaughter. But I have learned from my mistakes and it is not going to happen to my other children if I can help it. My therapist said I might have made some poor choices with them but my kids (the ones that had babies) are old enough to be hel responsible because i am different than my mother and I was there for them and they had a choice and they chose to have sex...even though I had told them the same thing...no sex until marriage...but what I allowed them to do...go to their boyfriend/girlfriend house and elive that nothing would happen and that the other parents would have the same thoughts as me...or hey my kids and their s/o were in there bedrooms with door closed but in my mind I figured, they have all theire siblings around, they arent going to do anything or anyone could walk in...yeah was I naive... but you learn and grow from your choices and you learn to make better ones.   

I hoped this helped.

[Ami]

Dear Ales
 I have really blamed myself for my life choices beginning when I truste my parents at 14 and lost my sense of self. I have blamed myself for my marriage choice, staying here, losing my son--all of it.
 I am re-thinking the blaming part.
 I didn't know any better. I think you were the same way. I can hear it!                xxoo  Ami