God give me and God replies, you do what's necessary and I will give you', meaning that you need to take steps towards changing what's bothering you.
This is a motto I have tired to live by but I say it as rather "if I do the footwork, then God can make things happen." In other words, if I am not taking steps, action, to "do something" then God cannot work. Right?
My flat is a 4 bedroom, 3 rooms are rented to subtenants, I am considered the renter of the flat, or master tenant. Subtenants must comply to my rules and my authority, which sounds brutish to even say, I do not lord my authority over them, usually they are free and content as long as we can live by common sense and the ability to be considerate and somewhat caring, nothing else about peoples lifestyles has fazed me much in the past. But this particular roommate resents my authority/responsibility as the flat lease holder. She wants to live as if there is no one else here to share the place with or she wants to live as if her needs are first and everyone else comes second, or not at all. Her resentment reminds me of that saying that "those who cannot love love power."
As with my roommates, I was instructed by my landlord, to never ask my subtenants to move out because here in San Francisco the rent laws are tedious in giving renters, subtenants, plenty of rights to sue me or charge me with harassment for even suggesting they move. It is a precarious situation. A roommate, from the past, who was challenging, got an attorney to send me a threatening letter claiming that I was harassing her and being malicious because I suggested that she move since she was unhappy living with me and claiming that I was abusing her and threatening her life. She was also very N. She refused to move until her lease was up, I left her alone meaning gave her a very wide berth or space. Eventually, 6 months later, when her lease was up, she moved, problem solved.
Normally, I have all renters sign an agreement with a month to month lease or a 6 months, their choice. Most roommate have been easy going, understanding and cordial to live with, most have never resented or been unwilling to sign a lease agreement. But this N roommate refused to sign an agreement, even though she says that she has, I know that she has not and I have not wanted to press the issue with her because she takes all of my authority the wrong way, as my wanting to lord power over her. She cannot see that I am just trying to take responsibility for a living situation and for moving roommates in, without knowing who they really are, in other words she cannot fully empathize with where I am coming from as a master tenant, except to project her unwanted self onto me.
You mention that you are in a way killing your roommate with kindness, thinking that it's really worth it, but do you really think that a real N can appreciate real, true and honest kindness?
No...she, cannot appreciate true kindness; for any N true kindness will be most always taken as an assault, right? It is damned if you do and damned if you don't, right? Once you are on the bad side on and N, they only see winning with you, making you all bad and hurting you in defense in order to protect their image, to keep perpetuating their lies. So NO, my patience, kindness and tolerance of her is not taken by her very well. It is only making her more hostile of me, but it is also giving her very little room to build a case against me, which is exactly what she wants to do in order to try to take away my apartment. I know that if she could she was contact my landlord and complain about me. She, in the past has purposely done little things to try to aggravate me, hoping that I will just get fed up and move out, giving her the lease. My place is really nice for SF, really nice.
I went through your last post about her as well and see with sadness that this is something that is triggering old issues in you and makes you feel doubly bad and all the feelings that you mention. Do you really think that going through the suffering is necessary?
It may seem like I am being a doormat, but I believe that God loves and cares deeply about all people. Even though this roommate needs a good wakeup call, I am trying to be careful, focusing on her good instead of hating her back, I am just praying and offering up whatever little pains she gives me. Lately, she is in school and never really home that much. She got on some level that I was feeling used by her and since then she withdrew from that apartment, not using it much, which is really just her guilt tripping. My feeling is that if she wants to deprive herself to hurt me then that is her choice.
Lately, she refuses to communicate with me, either via email or in anyway. I am taking it at face value, respecting her life in that she is busy and has no time to deal with flat issues, I understand. I have to be very careful to not harass her and communicate with her too much because she will use that against me as well. Once again, we are damned if care and damned if we do not, right?
The bottom line is that she brings a very hostile energy into the house and I am coping, hoping and praying that one day she will just move and that ultimately one day she will confront herself, when and if she does, I do not want her to look back and see how mean and intolerant of her I was. I know how that feels to have others harshly judge you when you are blind and lost, which is just where she is.
Believe it or not....being Christian means to me that everyone is my brother or sister, or my neighbor. How would I have wanted others to treat me when I was lost, blind, hostile, rude and inconsiderate. It was only by others tolerance and prayers did I ever change for the better. Peoples harsh judgement of myself or their intolerance only pushed me further into denial, love pulled me out. Therefore, I am giving that tolerance and love back to someone that hates me, I am living my faith, what the bible says about loving my enemy. In my heart, trying to communicate with her by telling her my unhappiness in living with her and or suggesting she move would only further ignite her already provoked hostility. For me, it is about the practice patience and trusting God with time. Ultimately hoping that she will change, I am a perpetual optimist - giving people chances even when they do not want them.
I used to believe in a punishing God, because this is what NGM taught me but then again I spoke to a priest and he explained that God is not in suffering (although he may be) but in joy, happiness, those moments that you blissfully sit and feel complete and you don't even know why. He further thought that when one feels guilt, anger, resentment etc, these feelings are devil-made and they don't come from God. I don't mean to offend your faith and apologise if I am doing so unwillingly but I think you deserve a better roommate.
In response to your question above her is a radio sermon to listen to, it will be very helpful in understanding where I am coming from. It will address your question:
http://www.wordonfire.org/WOF-Radio/Sermons/2009/Sermon-458-The-Suffering-Servant-29th-Sunday-i.aspxHave you ever talked to her about what's bothering you?
I have tried several times but her anger, hostility excuses and inability or unwillingness to resolve conflict peacefully and with compromise makes it very hard. At this time she is avoiding me in order to send me a message to never confront her again, her image cannot handle the insult that perhaps she is just human and makes mistakes, like myself, or needs to grow a little.
Why do you subject yourself to reliving your childhood with this person?
She is what God put in my life, I am going to try my best to love her, accept her and do what I feel is best for her. If I really felt that asking her to move was best for her then I would do that, no problem. What I feel is best for her is to just keep being honest, strong and kind. In time, God will do the rest, it is in His hands, as long as I don't hurt back. Trust me, there is nothing more that I would want at this time then to be able to ask her to move, but that would be very selfish on my part. I have learned to put the needs of others ahead of my own needs.
If she was truly a violent person and really a danger to other roommates then I would take steps to have her moved out.
The pain that she gives me is the pain that helps heal and free me. I believe that God puts or allows people in our lives for a reason, a spiritual reason. I do not throw people away...God never threw me away.
Lise
