Hopelessness

[Ami]

My friend said I have a big sense of hopelessness inside me.  It is a sense that I can never overcome this mess. It is a sense that the thinking is so deep and internal that it will never get better in a real way.
 I will always just find a new layer of sick under the old layer I just cleared out.
 Does anyone have this, too?            xxoo Ami

[JudyK]

 Dearest Ami,
    Yes, I have felt positively hopeless. And helpless.  These feelings can be indicitive of depression.  I was diagnosed with depression several years ago, after my second dx of cancer, but I believe the cancer was just the catalyst for a depression that has been just under the surface for all these years. I was very functional until the depression came to the surface.  I took antidepressants for several years, took the edge off, made me more functional again.  I no longer take them, and I know the depression is still around, but I am able to cope with it now.
     I don't know if you have a diagnosis of depression, if not, it may be something you want to explore.  I am so sorry you are experiencing this!    Hugs, Judy

[Ami]

Thank you(((((Judy)))))    xxxoo  Ami

[Ami]

I think "hopelessness" is a feeling I must respect. I was hopeless cuz I was stuck with my M and had no way out other than to barter with hope.
 My struggle was keeping hope alive.

I think I struggle with the same hope/hopelessness now. It is hope/hopelessness of finding an identity, feeling confident, having normal shame not virulent destructive ,exaggerated shame.
It is hope/hopelessness of putting BAD where it belongs, back on Mother. It is not my BAD, but hers. It does not belong to me and never did but I took it for pure survival like a hostage in a cult. Your mind is plastic enough to shift for reasons of survival. That is how we become abused people LONG after the abuser is gone, I think.

Any thoughts would be very appreciated!                                                                                            Ami
 

[Sealynx]

Hi Ami,
As a child I often wanted to die. I wasn't suicidal, I just thought it wouldn't be bad to get a fatal disease because life was so hopeless. I think most of my life has been spent looking for a reason to be alive. I often ask what the justification is for coming here, suffering, and one day turning to dust. I could blame it on some kind of organic childhood depression but I think it was because life was a hopeless parade of dreams that were perceived in a pre-verbal state by my mother and squashed.

You might want to read what I said to Persephone about energy in her recent thread. I think much of what makes our lives so dismal is about having had every priority (or what might have developed into one) cut off at the energetic level. In other words, our mother's perceived the energy of "want" in us and quickly flew into action to counter it with "I need more than you do--look at me--this is an emergency".  We never developed a self motivated by gratification or needs, because our real needs were never allowed to grow. What took its place was an emptiness filled with half baked ideas that mom or dad had labeled "bad". I think most of us have a lot of what feels like trash inside of us.

If my theory holds we all have to pick through the rubble and grow some of these needs. That is why I think it is so important to seek out and do ANYTHING that we have even a spark of interest in.  If you think you might want a beautiful body, go to the gym and spend every available minute there. If you think you might want to write, join a writing group. If you think you might want to work with the elderly volunteer with the local Council on the aging.

Most of us seem to spend far too much time thinking without an action component. Our thoughts have been trained to go around in circles. We were never trained to think our way out of our circumstance because in childhood there was no place to go. Too much thinking and inaction can only lead to depression.

[Ami]

Hi Ami,
As a child I often wanted to die. I wasn't suicidal, I just thought it wouldn't be bad to get a fatal disease because life was so hopeless. I think most of my life has been spent looking for a reason to be alive. I often ask what the justification is for coming here, suffering, and one day turning to dust. I could blame it on some kind of organic childhood depression but I think it was because life was a hopeless parade of dreams that were perceived in a pre-verbal state by my mother and squashed.

You might want to read what I said to Persephone about energy in her recent thread. I think much of what makes our lives so dismal is about having had every priority (or what might have developed into one) cut off at the energetic level. In other words, our mother's perceived the energy of "want" in us and quickly flew into action to counter it with "I need more than you do--look at me--this is an emergency".  We never developed a self motivated by gratification or needs, because our real needs were never allowed to grow. What took its place was an emptiness filled with half baked ideas that mom or dad had labeled "bad". I think most of us have a lot of what feels like trash inside of us.

If my theory holds we all have to pick through the rubble and grow some of these needs. That is why I think it is so important to seek out and do ANYTHING that we have even a spark of interest in.  If you think you might want a beautiful body, go to the gym and spend every available minute there. If you think you might want to write, join a writing group. If you think you might want to work with the elderly volunteer with the local Council on the aging.

Most of us seem to spend far too much time thinking without an action component. Our thoughts have been trained to go around in circles. We were never trained to think our way out of our circumstance because in childhood there was no place to go. Too much thinking and inaction can only lead to depression.

I love you Sealynx. It is so beautiful to be understood, Thank you.              xxxoo  Ami

[binks]

Hi Ami

As JudyK says it could be depression. I was like this a few years ago in my previous job and I had a nervous breakdown. I went on anti depressants and they really helped me regain positive feelings about myself and my life.

[Nonameanymore]

Hi Ami,

I am sorry you feel this way. Last time I felt like this was in August (and still do the odd moment). What helps is  St. John's Wort and taking small steps (that I consider Herculian acts) to change what brings me hopelessness. I can't change my past but sometimes being kind to myself and taking a step towards a small goal, makes me feel better.
Sorry for the simplistic advice but I have realised that when my life feels like a messy peace of thred, I start untangling it. I of course like you see that it's really messy, really difficult, but right now I am determined to change some things because my hopelessness stands in the way of a better life.
Depression is a given in my life, but there have been times when I successfuly fight it.

Good luck xxx

P.

[Ami]

Hi Ami

As JudyK says it could be depression. I was like this a few years ago in my previous job and I had a nervous breakdown. I went on anti depressants and they really helped me regain positive feelings about myself and my life.

Thank you (((Binks)))                     xxoo Ami

[Ami]

Hi Ami,

I am sorry you feel this way. Last time I felt like this was in August (and still do the odd moment). What helps is  St. John's Wort and taking small steps (that I consider Herculian acts) to change what brings me hopelessness. I can't change my past but sometimes being kind to myself and taking a step towards a small goal, makes me feel better.
Sorry for the simplistic advice but I have realised that when my life feels like a messy peace of thred, I start untangling it. I of course like you see that it's really messy, really difficult, but right now I am determined to change some things because my hopelessness stands in the way of a better life.
Depression is a given in my life, but there have been times when I successfuly fight it.

Good luck xxx

P.

Thank you (((P))).
I am really going forward in 3D to change my life. I am going forward in situations which are scary. Today, I feel much more centered and peaceful. It really helps to put a topic like this out here and get warm, loving and supportive responses!        xxoo  Ami

[Ales2]

Hi Ami,

I'm really sorry to hear you are feeling hopeless - its a very tough thing to feel, I know because I have been there and back several times myself. Its hard to generate hope in life when I'd been so disappointed in the past.  For me it was difficult because I kept having this pattern of attracting awful bosses and I didn't understand why it kept happening to me over a 15 year period - that a very long time to put with something and keep trying! Then after some long discussions with a close friend, she mentioned she thought my then co-worker was an N and this discovery opened a lot of doors for me including who was the original N in my life - my Mother.  There was a glimmer of hope in finding a concrete answer and then a crash as well. What if, now that I know and understand my problem, I am unable to resolved it because I lack the courage and strength to be asseritve w/ boundaries. If its been hard in the past, how is it going to get any easier?   I wrestled with this for a long time too. I felt hopeless that even knowing the problem wasnt going to make resolving it any easier and I'd have alot of work to do.

Then while in a yoga class months ago, an instructor asked us to hold a tough position and then focus on an area where we feel hopeless. You can probably guess what happens next, your body goes limp. Its hard to be strong when you feel hopeless. Instructor made her point.  The she said, don't focus on the problem as outside of yourself. Focus on the problem as inside yourself and therefore in total control by you.  That pretty much shifted my perspective. Instead of thinking my problem is outside of myself - NM and NBoss, I realized the problem is inside me - lack of self respect, lack of self esteem, assertiveness and boundaries. When I focus on the inside, I can envision myself changing, healing and the hope comes back. And best of all, rather than it being just a quick "feeling of hope" there is a plan of action there that I can use to generate more hope - as I take small steps.   

I know its hard to shake yourself out of being hopeless at times, but can you look at what you thin is outside of you and see what inside of you has to change to respond the the outer better? This helped me...

All the best to you,
Alesia

Also - Sealynx - you have great things to say on this subject - also liked what you said about priorities and the dog whisperer. You are right on!!

[Ales2]

Oh Ami - this sounds bad -  I did not mean to say that you should change or must change - I just meant that when you change the perspective from outside to inside there are things that can be addressed and used to move forward.  Oops! Big mistake to tell anyone on this board they should/must change! My apologies!

[Ami]

Oh Ami - this sounds bad -  I did not mean to say that you should change or must change - I just meant that when you change the perspective from outside to inside there are things that can be addressed and used to move forward.  Oops! Big mistake to tell anyone on this board they should/must change! My apologies!

Dear Ales
 I took your advice as coming from a place of love and support. Thank you so much for it! I do yoga, too!             xxxoo Ami

[Ami]

Hi Ami,

I'm really sorry to hear you are feeling hopeless - its a very tough thing to feel, I know because I have been there and back several times myself. Its hard to generate hope in life when I'd been so disappointed in the past.  For me it was difficult because I kept having this pattern of attracting awful bosses and I didn't understand why it kept happening to me over a 15 year period - that a very long time to put with something and keep trying! Then after some long discussions with a close friend, she mentioned she thought my then co-worker was an N and this discovery opened a lot of doors for me including who was the original N in my life - my Mother.  There was a glimmer of hope in finding a concrete answer and then a crash as well. What if, now that I know and understand my problem, I am unable to resolved it because I lack the courage and strength to be asseritve w/ boundaries. If its been hard in the past, how is it going to get any easier?   I wrestled with this for a long time too. I felt hopeless that even knowing the problem wasnt going to make resolving it any easier and I'd have alot of work to do.

Then while in a yoga class months ago, an instructor asked us to hold a tough position and then focus on an area where we feel hopeless. You can probably guess what happens next, your body goes limp. Its hard to be strong when you feel hopeless. Instructor made her point.  The she said, don't focus on the problem as outside of yourself. Focus on the problem as inside yourself and therefore in total control by you.  That pretty much shifted my perspective. Instead of thinking my problem is outside of myself - NM and NBoss, I realized the problem is inside me - lack of self respect, lack of self esteem, assertiveness and boundaries. When I focus on the inside, I can envision myself changing, healing and the hope comes back. And best of all, rather than it being just a quick "feeling of hope" there is a plan of action there that I can use to generate more hope - as I take small steps.  

I know its hard to shake yourself out of being hopeless at times, but can you look at what you thin is outside of you and see what inside of you has to change to respond the the outer better? This helped me...

All the best to you,
Alesia

Also - Sealynx - you have great things to say on this subject - also liked what you said about priorities and the dog whisperer. You are right on!!

Thank you Ales
 
 My hopelessness comes from thinking I cannot change the "within" parts cuz they are so deep.
 My friend has some magic when I feel hopeless. I hate to burden him but after I talk to him, the hopelessness floats away. I think I figured out why.
 He sees me as the core that I am--that core person before my NM damaged me. *I* see myself AS the damage,itself. I see the damage she did as part of me, IOW.
He says that she was the BAD one, not I.
He really and truly sees me as the person I was before my M damaged me and so *I* can see myself through his eyes, at that point. Then, the hopelessness goes.
Do you know what I mean , Ales?                          xxxooo Ami

[Ami]

I just wanted to add some more things on the topic of Hopelessness. I think that when you have to lose your identity to an N parent, you are left with many issues.
 My yoga tape says that depression is when you cannot feel and express your authentic self.
 When I get hopeless, I feel lost from myself, lost from being able to protect myself, stand up for myself, be in my own best interest. I feel like the small child living with the monster. I feel like I am trying to hold on to my identity with safety pins, as I have done since 14 when I went numb.

That is the usual feeling I have when I am hopeless: the inability to be solid enough to act in my own self interest. I feel like gauze which must fly in the wind at the whim of others and life. I feel terrified. I feel hopeless cuz I can't make myself solid. I think that is what it is.
 My friend sees me as a self. He says,"You HAVE a solid self.*I* can see it".Then, I relax and think that maybe he is right. Then, the hopelessness goes away.
 I just figured this out ,last night.  Can anyone relate?                                Ami