CB, this is such an excellent question - and your background explanation behind it is VERY important, I think.
Especially the point, about the murkiness of expections, needs, wants for change in another. On the one hand, we were considered to be in the wrong about our needs/expectations and change/adaption was expected of us - and that involved many intensely painful emotions: shame, humiliation, not good enough...
... part of my healing process was to realize that this could be turned around to expect exactly the same thing from my FOO, in the name of "boundaries". That's only part of the process; it's not an end result. It feels good for those of us, who were denied this as children, to spend some time in this phase - powerful, self-affirming, sane. In this phase, we practice boundaries - and asking for change from others. There are a lot of things - some self-evident, some subtle - to learn about ourselves and others, in this work.
Eventually, though, I found that even this phase had to be let go. Putting the "shoe on the other foot" was, for me, still being stuck in the old FOO-programming of relational power-games. Case in point - dealing with business tasks/decisions with my brother. It serves absolutely no useful purpose for me to expect him to be what he is not; know about things he's never had to consider before; nor - ultimately - blame him for my discomfort, anger, frustration about his idiosyncrasies or lack of knowledge and business skills. After all - he is also a victim of the same FOO-crap. And he is a very different - almost complete opposite - type of person than I am. Asking him to change anything other than behavior is fruitless; and even that isn't always possible for him.
So I have to learn to let go of justification for anger and frustration (blame, in other words); my unspoken (sometimes unconscious) request for him to change and become what he is not. Instead I focus on concrete results... call me within 24 hrs... tell me what you want to do; what is your decsion... otherwise I end up in a tangled ball of emotional explosives - doing me no good with the physical effects of that stress; or risking a stalemate... or worse, a walking away and unilateral action... which is a very negative, confusing result for the business.
This is my work in progess, right now. And I've got many opportunities to practice - and not just with my brother!

This sort of IS the dysfunction in my relational style... and essentially, it's a limitation; a restriction of experience of others - I'm finding that outside of that limitation are many ways to move beyond the oppositional/blame cycle.
I started discovering that HERE... by allowing people to tell me what they saw about me; what I could change about how I acted, thought, and felt... and trusting that the criticisms were meant to help; given lovingly. Hey - I'm still working on some of those TOO...
tee-hee!