I think one subtext here for me is that there's a difference between asking and expecting, between requesting and requiring. As most kids of Ns know, there really isn't any way that "expecting" or "requiring" compels anybody else to do anything, unless you are a parent or hold economic or some other power over them.
But I liked it when a therapist once told me:
It's always healthy to ask for what you want, as long as you release the outcome.
So if I have wishes/hopes/yearnings for someone to change their behavior in some way, whether to benefit them, myself, or us both...I can always ask for that change. Nothing unhealthy or wrong about it.
The key is to, while asking, release the outcome, knowing/accepting even embracing, that it's not in my control. It's not magic.
Just asking the question is an accomplishment sometimes. To expect, because Mighty Me Has Spoken or opined, that something will result, that'd be a mistake.
It's just the asking, sometimes, that aligns me with health and hopefulness and right intention. Not expecting a particular result.
It was always excellent for me to specifically set boundaries and even to request specific behavior change from Nmom. For her to respond in an open, mature way was the exception 999999% of the time. But it still felt good and right to ask because I was not walking on eggs, I was speaking because a person who feels welcome in the world will speak up without fear, and it was good practicing messaging myself.
Hops