making a new "nest" for myself and Mike to live in... colors, furniture, fabrics, and the LIGHT in the new house. I have the amazing opportunity to do this intentionally - to design my space intentionally - and not just carry the "old stuff" from the past and "make do". Lots of "old stuff" being discarded too... lightening the "load".
PR, what a dreamlike thing to think about...I am very happy to conjure up images of you walking through the space, seeing seeing seeing...and then finding joy in color and choice and placement and all of it. What a wonder. Huuuuuge delight in thinking of this!
It's like, you have such autonomy with beauty. Nothing whatsoever to do with your mother. It's really YOU, adult YOU, creating the nest that expresses YOUR definition of beauty, delight, stimulation, interest, comfort, celebration, refuge, anything.
(It's also very cool that all that can always be changed, too. There are No Mistakes. No Traps.)
HOW is Hops these days? How is the situation with your D? Nboss? the house?
What's going on in the inner universe of "Hops"?
Thanks for asking. I really appreciate that. Been feeling a bit, ohhh, ox-like, I suppose. I work work work. And I'm looking for more work. And I work more. And it's like that...
I'm not depressed, but I am...quiescent. I feel older. Tireder.
My D has been a trouper and a comfort and I'm quite amazed. It's financially hard and there were a few adjustments, but overall, her energy and her presence have been a delight. All the snark and spitefulness must've been left in Florida. In hindsight, I realize how truly desperate her situation was, and I think coming home (for all its uncertanties) to a larger, comfortable space where she feels familiar and safe, has really been good for her. She cleans and organzises and cooks a lot and has been mellow with the tenants and cooperative with me. She's looking for work, no job yet. But I am pleased.
Nboss has backed off a lot lately, as the young maNager's campaign against me became so obvious that even the "Board" couldn't deny it was destructive and irrational. Nboss actually said to me, I can see these are personal attacks that don't have anything to do with your work. Interestingly, he (the arrogant young maNager who hates females) also went after the boss's son with a lot of clueless, aggressive criticism...and the son didn't put up with it. That, finally, is probably what has turned the tide. Nboss' son and I get along well (I'm encouraging him to flee to grad school and he wants out). But, as to the main things, I am still wanting to get out. And I will.
The house: I can't afford. I am sinking under the financial weight. I can keep the mortgage going but rescuing my D pushed me further into debt. In the legal sense, my attorney advised me to just let it float in limbo, because every month that it does, I can regain a little financial ground. (My mother's existing mortgage payment is a good deal less than I would pay for my own, after I bought him out.) So I'm no longer pushing forward to petition the court to resolve it swiftly--if it hangs in limbo a year longer, I may recover a bit. My brother hasn't paid his own attorney, and my attorney says the cards are in my hands--if it goes to court, my brother will have to pay for getting it underway.
So, I continue to function as executor without the title. But I don't care about that anymore. The whole thing has been so draining and debilitating that it's loosened my attachment (which is good) and helped me prioritize better.
I've had several hits lately, financially, that leave me almost numb. I just have no choice, until I find a second job, but to put things on credit. And that's very upsetting. It's things like a surprise $890 from the IRS from 2007 (my error), $400 on the car, $300 for gutter repair, etc., etc. And Mom's real estate tax for $2500 is due in December. I just don't have it.
We're not consuming or spending anything other than food, gas, utilities, but all that has increased since D came, as we knew it would. It's just that I was already pushing against the membrane of what my income can bear, so when the extra hits come, there's nowhere to turn.
So that's got me down. I'm not anxious or freaking out, just feeling very .... laden. And I'm thinking I'll lose the house. I just have no idea when it will all happen. Could be six months, could be a year, no idea. It's wearing.
One note that I don't know how to feel about...not sure whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. My T suggested I get myself evaluated for ADD, and I did, and I got the letter yesterday. According to our local expert, I am ADD. I have also joked about being that way, but now I have a label should I want to use it. And I don't know how I feel about it.
I am so reluctant to take Rx. Still, many of my biggest frustrations in life have been due to my free-association tendencies, mentally. It's had gifts (poetry), and burdens (math phobia, paperwork fears, poor planning). So I'm not sure what I'll do about that...
Another thing is Gennulman, who became so clingy and smothering I really had to push him back. It was painful to do but I realized it was becoming a pretty codependent thing. I was so needy during the worst of last year, and he helped me so much (because he needs to be enmeshed with women in crisis), that gratitude kept me from asserting myself about the unhealthy stuff. But this last week (probably strengthened by my D's presence), I did. I am sure he's hurt and disappointed and probably angry too, but I know I did the right thing. I hope we can remain friends, but without the engulfing stuff.
Thanks a lot for asking, Amber.
love to you,
Hops
