Nmother coming in 1 week--not fair!!

[bearwithme]

Hello to all!

I haven't been here for a few weeks do to our move and we are getting settled in. It's good to be back as I've had a lot of catching up reading to do of everyone's posts and as usual, I read many, many supportive topics and replies.

Well, my Nmom is coming to visit in 1 week and I'm feeling really lethargic. In therapy, I realized that I don't like her.  I don't like who she is.  I don't like her, want to be like her, don't look up to her, don't want to be her friend and don't even like hearing her voice.  She is everything I panic about becoming.  Seeing her is a painful reminder of my upbringing and the abusiveness of her rage and control over me and my brother.  I have set boundaries, but oftentimes she breaks them down in a sneaky manner.  I feel good sticking up for myself when she starts to N out, but I hate the aftermath.  I hate the feeling of having to do it and the reasons why I have to do it.  It isn't fair.  It isn't fair that I have to work this hard at a relationship.  I'm a phony.  I'm nothing but a fake person around her pretending to be happy with her and it exhausts me.  I feel so sad that it's just a shell of non-love that surrounds the both of us and that I don't have a real mother.  She wants to be a grandmother to my 2 year old so bad and I don't want to take that away from my child, having a grandmother.  I got jipped out of having a good grandmother (my Nmom's mom is an N to the 9th degree) since she was selfish and never wanted to see her grandkids.  But it isn't fair that she gets to enjoy me and my child for what she has done and that her motto is "move on bear...forget about the past, the past is the past and you need to forgive and forget." She has NEVER, EVER  asked for forgiveness for her abuse.  She knows I'm on to her and that's all she can say. 

I've been trying to go NC for some time and I struggle with it.  Only because of my baby and honestly, it's mostly my guilt. 

It's not fair.  Again, not fair that she gets away with it and gets to enjoy having a daughter and a granddaughter and brag to everyone how much she, herself, is adored by us and that we can't live without her.  Her delusions are fabulous with this.  She thrives being the center of attention and believes that me, my husband and my daughter just adore her and treat her like a queen.

Sometimes I just want her to know how much she is hated. How much I want her to suffer and feel bad for abusing me.

It's not fair that she gets to be happy and show her dysfunctional N family that she is the "normal" one with the cohesive family of a loving daughter, son-in-law and granddaughter.  Every single one of my aunts' and uncles' (all 7 of them) kids and grandkids are royally screwed up and most don't talk to eachother.  My Nmom prides herself on being the only normal one and I realize that I'm allowing this to happen for her.  Good gawd, she doesn't deserve it!!!! 

Well, I've ranted here.  It's just so sad.  I can't help but feel sorry for myself.

Bear.

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Just a few thoughts, since this is your mother and not your mother-in-law (if it were your MIL your husband would have some say in it) ... but if your mother stresses you out and brings out the worst in you, that is stealing energy and emotion and attention away from your child. If you feel this way about your mother, encouraging a relationship between her and your child will be confusing for the child, because he or she will sense your conflict and will not understand why. Later on unfortunately your child might understand why --- after he or she has been treated badly by your mother. Just because you felt the loss of your grandmother, doesn't mean that your own mother will act less N with your child. She just wants to be a grandmother to your child --- that doesn't make her N go away. Your own grandmother's N just caused her to behave one way, your mother's N may cause her to behave badly another way.

IMO, you don't have to be blood relatives with somebody to be family. My own kids have some elderly people at church that have "adopted" them --- one elder came to my son's 7th grade football game last week. Sometimes elders that you know (in your neighborhood, in your church or synagogue, etc.) have sucky relationships with their own children through no fault of their own, and they would welcome younger people to befriend. That way your child can have the benefits of a grandparent and avoid too much closeness with a grandparent who is mentally ill.

I'm not saying you can't ever let your child see your mother (that's a call you have to make depending on the severity of her behavior) but I wouldn't let my guilt override my good judgment about how much damage a N mother/grandmother can do.

I'm just sayin'... here in the South I guess I should end with "bless her heart."

[bearwithme]

HofP:  You are right. She just wants to be a grandmother.  She prides herself on the title and not the actions.  She acts weird on her visits and is sometimes aloof when the baby gets clingy with me. It's almost like a jealousy thing.

I'm working on these emotions and the reality of what you are saying here.  I am listening and each time I hear it, it nudges me that much close to seeing the real me inside my guilty mind.  Notice I didn't say heart?  My heart says one thing and my heart says another.

Thanks for the input Heart O' P.

Bear.

[Ami]

Dear Bear,
 I can empathize with what you are going through. I held on and on and on with my M cuz I wanted to be a D and I wanted my kids to have a GM. It never changed.
When I needed help getting away from an abusive H, my M colluded with my H against me. It never gets better. It never goes away. I have been No Contact for a year.
 I miss having a M, terribly. I miss having a family, terribly.
 I think that my M is a predator and will never change. She is evil.
 I made so many bad decisions by keep wanting her to change.
 You found the Board at an early age. You are fortunate about that. Keep sharing and reaching out!           xxxoooo   Ami

[nolongeraslave]

hey bearwithme,

I know EXACTLY how you're feeling, as I went through the same thing!  My therapist told me that it's better to let out all of these feelings out now, before the NM actually comes. That way it makes it easier to deal with when you're actually in her presence.


Nobody has to agree with my therapist(she has an N mom herself), but she did say going NC can be unrealistic for some people. 

I hope you can make it through when your NM is there.  I was scared as fuck to come here, but I'm pulling through! You have the strength to overcome it too.

Good luck.

[getnbtr]

Hey Bear,

I have felt the guilt like you mention and was feeling that my NM would never do to my kids the things that she did with me and I trusted her. BIG mistake, my being (nice) to her made her feel like she could get away with stuff. DO NOT trust your mom with your child!!! I have had no contact for 15 years and it was the best way for us. If you stay in contact DO NOT trust her with that precious child.
Always be in the same room. They say evil things when they think they can get away with it. My NM would corner the kids in the bathroom I later found out and tell them that their father and I were evil and would try to talk them into going home with her and we were all in the same house, and I never knew until the kids came to me about not keeping secrets for mom-mom! You absolutely can not trust them! When I told my dad what was happening he tried to disown me and I let him!!!

Getnbtr

[Ami]

(((((((Bear )))))))                                                   xxoo Ami

[bearwithme]

Ami: thanks for the vote of confidence.  It is really trying and how awful that your NM stabbed you in the back like that. They are brilliant, aren't they?!
Nolongeraslave: I'm getting out all the venting I can so that it is easier in her presence.  It's a sad thing to do but I truly believe it helps me cope.

Hey Bear,

I have felt the guilt like you mention and was feeling that my NM would never do to my kids the things that she did with me and I trusted her. BIG mistake, my being (nice) to her made her feel like she could get away with stuff. DO NOT trust your mom with your child!!! I have had no contact for 15 years and it was the best way for us. If you stay in contact DO NOT trust her with that precious child.
Always be in the same room. They say evil things when they think they can get away with it. My NM would corner the kids in the bathroom I later found out and tell them that their father and I were evil and would try to talk them into going home with her and we were all in the same house, and I never knew until the kids came to me about not keeping secrets for mom-mom! You absolutely can not trust them! When I told my dad what was happening he tried to disown me and I let him!!!

Getnbtr   

I really am leary of letting her stay with the baby because she has even said really disparaging things about me in front of my child.  This is a deal breaker and I will let her have it if she does it again...I'm ready to face the outcome, I don't care.  I can't sit idly by again and again until it's too late.  I so believe that your Nmom did that to your own kids.  It's sick isn't it?  You know what?  This thought comes to my mind when I read stuff like that:  Why is it that our very own mother would try to sabatoge our relationship with our very own children?  Why would our flesh and blood want to be so cruel to us?  Why do they hate us?  What did we ever do to deserve such hatred?  We are such good and generous, loving people, why don't they love us?

I wish I knew those answers.

[Hopalong]

Hi Bear,
My Nmother was never rageful or overtly abusive, just manipulative as hell, no empathy, broken in the heart department. As she taught young children, she had an obsessively "helpful" interest in them. And in fact, when her eNergies were spread around 30 children, she was actually a superb and very popular teacher. It was in the Nuclear family that her controlling and invasive and simultaneously cold psyche did its damage. But she was always proper, etc, so I was never subjected to anything like the level of abusiveness and nastiness that many people here were.

So, on the scale of things, one might consider her a milder N, compared to many Nothers here.

And even with all those softening caveats, what I want to say to you is: I desperately wish that I had firmly, ferociously, confidently and consistently limited, controlled and filtered my child's contact with her. She was so determined to be an involved grandmother, and I was an exhausted working parent (single for much of the time)--and her seductions were many (free babysitting, piano lessons, school tuition) -- and I didn't know better at the time.

But in my now-grown D, I see such emotional trouble. Surely, much of it due to her parents' divorces, but I think at least half of her struggle is probably due to an amazing amount of time with her graNdmother.

If there's any way to skip ahead in your mind, trust me if you can, pull your child away from her now and don't let ANY sort of guilt trip prevent you from using boundaries with your mother. It is not important what your mother wants. She's had a lifetime to get what she wants. It's your child who needs your protection from your mother now.

You can do it.

love,
Hops

[bearwithme]

Oh Hops, you're amazing .  I'm struggling as I type this.  My Nmom is here visiting and it took less than 24 hours from picking her up at the airport for her to start the N abuse.  My boundaries have controlled the majority of her behavior but her N is so deep that it is leaking out all over the place.  She can't help herself.

I don't want to regret letting her in my life like this and allowing her behavior to ruin my day(s), which it always does.  20 years from now I don't want to say, "oh I should have done..." or "I wished I hadn't let my Nmom do this or that..."  I want to be in control and I feel like I've lost control, even today as she's in town shopping while I'm home taking care of some things, I feel like I'm being strangled.

Short story that sparked my anger:

Nmom left a bottle of pills (blood pressure/heart/high cholesterol or what not) on my bathroom counter within the reach of my 2 year old.  My husband saw them and moved them to the top shelf of the wall vanity.  Nmom saw them there the next day and took them down and put them in a bigger bag of pills she had and placed the bag on the floor by the toilet, again, within reach of my 2 year old. The next day, I calmly told her about what my husband did and that I noticed the bag on the floor-- both things being a big NO-NO in our house, right?  Well, as I was calmly telling her about how my husband found the pills on the counter and placed them on the top shelf of the wall vanity, she said she didn't see them at all and didn't know of them, etc.  Well, she took them down herself, right?  I said to her that if she took them down herself from the top shelf, then she had to know of them, that they had been moved, etc., right?  Nmom went nutso-freako on me...(you see, I cornered her emotionally and she lashed out, typical of N's)  She then said she thought I was talking about individual pills and that I didn't have to accuse her, that she "never said that I didn't know of the pills", etc.  WHAT???

She contorted the situation and mixed up the conversation so badly that she wasn't making sense.  She began to yell that I put words into her mouth, that she never said this or that.  WHAT THE HELL WAS SHE TALKING ABOUT??  I very calmly said, "no mom, I would assume that if you took the pills down yourself that you would know something about them when I told you that my husband moved them to the vanity, but you said you knew nothing about them." 
She kept repeating, "I never said that I knew about the pills, I never said that I knew about the pills!"  This was the complete opposite of what I was saying!!!!!!!!!! She yelled at me and an argument ensued....blah, blah, blah.

I don't get it.
I don't get it.
I don't get it.

I'm pissed right now.

[bearwithme]

Well, NM leaves tomorrow and I haven't slept well since she's been here.  I find that I'm up at 3:00 in the morning and my mind is racing with thoughts and arguments.  I've been waking up angry and goint to bed angry.

It's been a long week and I'm an emotional catastrophe waiting to happen.  I think if she's says one more negative thing I'll go off the deep end.

[Ami]

((((Bear))))
 I understand. I am with you in Spirit!                              xxxoo  Ami

[cantors.counter]

((((Bear)))) I hope tomorrow goes goes quickly for you until she leaves.

[bearwithme]

Well, I took NM to the airport this afternoon and she's gone. 

It was 7 days and a lot of "dealbreakers" that she did.  Before she came to visit, I was prepared to NOT stand for her abuse, to confront her, to kick her out if she disparaged me, to make her accountable for her actions and hurtful words, all like I had done over the past 6 years laying down boundaries, sticking up for myself, etc.  But I did none of it.  I was pretty docile and heard her disparage me to my husband.  I overheard her making fun of me to my husband and making snide comments about me to him but all the while disguising it in humor.  She did so much more but I'm too exhausted to explain.  I know you get it.  And my husband was also a bit disturbed by it all....

Bottom line:  This is my problem, I know.  I have to decide what to do and how to choose the right path for me.  I guess I'm not ready to go NC...I just don't know.  I just looked at her with fog around my eyes all the while thinking, "how sad, how pathetic she is, how much I think she's evil and ugly, etc...."  I know I need to deal with her and I'm struggling.  That's why I'm here.  As my NM plays with my daughter and my daughter's little face lights up, I almost feel like the devil for hating my NMother.  I'm the "bad" person here and how could I do that to someone?

This is my road and I've chosen the weaker route for now.  I hope I'm stronger next time.

Bear

[bearwithme]

BTW, thank you all for your input.  You guys are my therapy right now and my much needed sunshine.

Bear.