need quick feedback and comments PLEASE!!!!

[teartracks]

Hi Ales,

I really can't add much to what others have said about the situation with your brother.  

I come from a dysfunctional FOO.  My brother and sister are both younger than me.  My sister and I have been NC for many years.  I have a relationship with my brother but it isn't one where we discuss the dysfunction in our family.  He seems to recognize that we (the family) were dysfunctional, but brushes it aside as if it had no effect on him.  Sure, I see some of the effect it had on him only because I spent 7 years examining it all, but if he can live with it, so be it! I guess it's a form of detachment.  Anyway, when we skim the edges of the dysfunction, he says things like, I don't know how three people from the same gene pool could grow up so similarly and only one of them be right about what really happened in the family.  Of course, he's the ONE!  And he's joking.  The bigger point is that without saying it outright, he's made it clear that he doesn't want to get caught up in anything but surface things where discussion of family is concerned.  Over the years, it would have been nice to have him come along side of me and give support through the hellishness of my experience.  That he didn't hasn't diminished my respect for him.  He took a shortcut, I took 7 years to get basically the same answer, which is, yes our family was dysfunctional, but our hands are tied where changing the past is concerned.   I've had to respect his boundaries as to his willingness to discuss how we were raised.  He seems to respect my perspective.   I expect that's about as good as it's going to get.   This probably doesn't help, but just in case...

tt

[sKePTiKal]

Ya know, this thread has sort of gotten me back to asking if there aren't some real gender differences in sibs in dysfunctional FOOs.
That what is a huge issue for one, is simply insignificant - accepted as a fact and let go - by another. It's not always possible to explain what makes it a big issue... but that doesn't mean the other doesn't care at all.

tt: this is where that FOO context of experience comes in, I think. Each person's experience of the same incident/event... is slightly different, as is their perception of "what happened". It does affect current/future relationships with sibs.

[teartracks]

Hi PR,

Yeah, all that stuf is complex.  I am the eldest.  Brother  is the middle child (and being male and tall and very attractive) this made him a candidate for 'the golden child'.  My sister has no clue that I see her side in a pretty clear light, which is that she had to ride the wake of my having been made the de facto parent of our mother (and I expect to her too) plus seeing our brother groomed as the golden child.  Our home life experience must have looked sooooooo different to her and to him.  One thing for sure, there is no one size fits all fixall for the type of family I grew up in.  I am sure I'll understand more as the years pass, but what I'm thinking now is that as we kids were triangulated, i.e., the three of us occupied one  point.  So you have  mom at one and dad at other, and us sibs at the third.  To my way of thinking, there wasn't much movement as far as the exchange of power is concerned at the three points.  My mom was always 'in charge'.  But at the third point that we kids occupied, it makes perfect sense that between the three of us there was a sub triangle and that I was appointed to the roll of parent because I was the eldest and because mom needed me to parent her too.  It's no wonder that my sister is so angry.   My brother didn't have to 'work' at being 'in'.  He was the golden child.  He also happens to have a go along to get along side to his personality that my sister sure doesn't have.   I think of myself as a little odd and not much like either of my sibs or my mom.   I identify more with my dad in that he liked to talk about things and understand them.  He wasn't allowed to do that in our FOO, but looking back, there were enough stolen moments of discussion to convince me that if he'd had or taken the 'power' to do it, our family would have talked through issues for resolution.  I continue to think that he was so smitten by mom's beauty that his good sense as a parent was was numbed.   I should add that my sister was the apple of my dad's eye.  This in itself must have added turmoil to the overall situation.  A huge goal of mom was to keep us kids seperated from my dad.  She seemingly wanted ALL of us for ALL of her.  When she let her grip slip enough that my dad and younger sister could share moments of daddy/daughter bliss (I mean good healthy interaction), it must have put mom in an absolute tizzy.   Sad, sad, sad...

tt

[SilverLining]

Hi Ales.   I've found seeking support from the siblings is a difficult task.   I have two siblings, and both of them seem to prefer numbed delusion to (what I consider) the truth.  Every so often they seem to have a glimmer of recognition, but it doesn't last long. 

There are some real psychological benefits to their way of operating.  If they stay in denial about the situation with the FOO, they also don't have to question how it has influenced them and and their lives.  I suspect the full implications might be far too painful for them to endure.   So the "truth" gets buried in the subconscious.   I've observed this long enough to see the processes at work.  My brother in particular can't seem to endure any critical thought regarding the FOO.  Even when he sees something wrong, he quickly forgets it.  And if I insist on bringing up the truth, he just changes the subject.  I am a threat to his fragile emotional equilibrium. 

So I've decided just to stay away from the topic, and for the most part keep my distance.  I'll be there to help them if I can when the denial fails, but I don't think pushing it will do any of us any good.