My NM is 98

[Bettyanne]

HI I am Bettyanne,
My mother turned 98 Oct 13.  She is a never ending story of it's all about ME.  She started working at 15 to support her mother.  She has never ever stopped, even having children back at the time when woman didn't work.  Believe or not for those who don't know me, she continues to work full time as a secretary and does volunteer work on weekends at a catholic shrine.
 Some people react by saying OH God Bless her........the truth is she is addicted to work, it has filled her need to get praise and money for a job well done. (being a mother never filled that need of her to receive constant praise.)  She is not walking well anymore but her mind is very sharp because of the constant working.  She has people controlled to pick her up and drive her to work, one man has been taking he for over 15 years and people in her office take her home.  Another lady drives her to the shine and yet another takes her home.  I wonder to myself at times, do they have a life themselves these volunteered people???
I recently visited with her as I moved 3000 miles a way now, (as I had been driving her on and off for over 35 years.)  I see people come to the door or meet up with her half way down her stairs in front of her house and help her in and out of the car.  NOBODY has the guts to say NO to her???????? including the priests and nuns she stays with on the weekend.  If you looked at my NM you would say OMG......her shoulders are bent forward along with her head, and yet she presses on, I think because everyone has been so well trained now, they can't say NO to this elderly lady.
But I have and that is why I am so far away.  I started driving her myself at age 17 and at age 64, my h and myself had to move away, we just couldn't do it anymore.
Our phone conversations at this point are all about her work and her volunteering.....I can't tell you how tired I am at age 66 of this continuing story of this woman......who is endless.....
Hugs,
Bettyanne
PS lots more to this story but will tell it in time.

[Ami]

((((Bettyanne))))))))                 xxxoo  Ami

[Sealynx]

Hi Bettyanne,
Good to see you again!
S

[Hopalong]

Hi Bettyanne...

Good for you that you put a stop to it and reclaimed your lives.

(My Nmother lived to be 98 as well. I didn't move away but probably should've.)

In death, she really is neutralized. And when you've made space in your mind for other things, your mind will leap to grow and live and enjoy learning about things that have nothing whatsoever to do with her.

Kudos! May you have happy decades ahead to explore yourselves...

Hops

[Bettyanne]

OH thanks for you kind replies.  It has sure been a long journey and I am so ready to move on so badly.......especially being her only living relative and poa.
Hi Sealynx, Oh so nice to see you here as well, miss you.......
Oh Hops, you give me hope, that this too shall pass.
Thanks for the hug Ami,
Hugs,
Bettyanne

[Butterfly]

 
Hello, Bettyanne.  So good to hear from you again. 

Joy

[CB123]

Bettyanne,

Does it hurt because your mom doesnt get the same sense of satisfaction out of being a mother that she gets out of working?  I was really really hurt over that with my mom.  She died of cancer and spent all the years up until she was incapacitated pouring herself into her career.  It really hurt my feelings since I knew she was running out of time.  Do you feel that way?

CB

[Bettyanne]

Yes, CB123 it does really hurt and lots of pain.  I think had she given me some time when i was little it would have made a big big difference.  This woman has never stopped, I think or I know she uses work to not deal with her feelings.  Her way of acting or being so important and expecting a young child to end up in day care centers back in the mid forty's, they were horrible, you were treated horrible, it hurt so much to know the kids in my neighborhood could stay home with their MOMS.  I was put into first grade for two years because she made a deal with a nun at the school, so I didn't go to kindergarten (no half days for me, she wanted me in school all day) and I was the one who paid the price of her career.  She has no sense or feelings about it at all, even today her conversations are about getting to work and home and doing her volunteer work.  I really think this is NPD along with OCD.......
Thanks for the response.
Bettyanne

[Ami]

That sounds really painful Bettyanne. It does sound like OCD to me , too.     xxxooo      Ami

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Bettyanne (and everyone),

Do you think that your mother's personality is the crucial factor in how you felt about her having such a demanding career? Or do you think the time away from you was the critical bit? Or how the two things interacted?

I'm curious because so many moms today work, and many have very demanding careers. I personally stayed home for years, and now have a career, but still have two teens at home. I have a hard time juggling the demands of home and a career, and I don't even have any little kids any more. I also don't want my last two kids at home feel cheated because I am pursuing a career. On the other hand, I don't want them to feel badly for leaving and having their own lives because I don't have something interesting to pursue after they're gone. In fact, the idea that I would have been a mom for nearly 30 years by the time the last one left home, was the idea that led me to find a career. I didn't want to hold my kids back because I had no life outside the home.

Just curious how people on this board have balanced home and work, and how you think your parents' personality problems contributed to them getting out of balance.

[Bettyanne]

HI Heart,
No I see nothing wrong with a mother who has to go to work to support her family or even one who likes to work.  The difference in this case is my NM when she was home wanted nothing to do with me.
She said homework was to be done at school not a home.  She spent her evenings on the phone with friends.  Their is more to my story I will need to write about.  My oldest daughter has three children and a great husband, she works full time and is good to herself, her husband and her children.  My case my NM was only ever good to herself.  I hope this explains a little.....and I am not against woman who work.
Bettyanne

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Hi Bettyanne, Don't worry, I never thought you were against women working! Actually, we have been having a stressful time in our family, with my oldest son, and I've spent a lot of time over at his apartment trying to help him out, and my younger kids I think are more stressed about that than my work time. I guess I've been feeling badly about that. Generally speaking, I think I've balanced everything pretty well.

I also can think of some narcissistic stay at home moms whose kids would be better off if they had something else on their minds besides controlling every movement the kids make!! So, I guess it all depends on how you manage your life, not the details of what you are doing with it.

[Bettyanne]

I was kind of an only child, (I had a retarded brother who never walked or talked and she didn't want much to do with him either) I have six kids of my own and life has been crazy, especially not having a good role model.  I would either go completely one way or the other and gave very little time for myself, because I didn't want to be like my NM.  That was not good either to do, so learning a healthy balance is the way to go.......but when you don't have a role model of a healthy mother, we make lots of mistakes ..........until we learn.
So you are right in that it is what we do with our time and what our priorities are?? When children are young they need guidance and care.....not abandonment.  When they are grown adults we can give them encouragement but not to control their adult lives.  I either had it where she abandon me or was trying to control everything I did.......very confusing to say in the least.
But I for sure see the light now, but so many mistakes made and so now pick yourself up and try all over again.........
Hugs,
Bettyanne