Can't keep my mouth shut

[Nonameanymore]

I come and go like a comet these days on this board...

One of my favourite writers, Elizabeth Wurtzel, mentions in one of her books that she discloses often very private information to complete strangers and I realised that I am doing the same. Sometimes I am motivated by the need not to sound boring so I go ahead and disclose things that I find 'interesting', not exacly to complete strangers of course, but the whole thing is often inappropriate.
I think that I got this from NM and it's really one of the things that I sort of copied as she exaggerated her stories for obviously stupid reasons.

As I grow older I also realise that a little bit of mystery is always good, not of the manipulative sort but rather that some information are to be shared later on, when you know someone better and they know you better too, or better things should be left unsaid and are mine and only mine.

Does anybody find themselves doing the same?

[Ami]

I know what you mean(((P))). It may be that we were not mirrored as children so we need others to tell us who we are and that we are OK. Sometimes, we may need others to tell us that we actually even  exist as a solid self.
 Those are my thoughts on it.
 As our selves strengthen maybe we won't need to do it as much.                    xxoo  Ami

[nolongeraslave]

I think this is a part of the healing journey, because you just want to get out something that you were supposed to hide for so long.


I can speak for myself only, but I went through a stage (when I was living with NM) where I needed constant reassurance and couldn't stop talking about my past abuse. This is how I got addicted to yahoo answers (which didn't help in the long run).  I just wanted to make sure that there were empathic people out there, because my NM and ex brainwashed me to believe that the world is sadistic.  No matter how much reassurance I got, it was never enough. My NM or ex was there to say something mean that would cause me to fall back down.


A few people accused me of lying, because they said "Nobody would be that open and casual about it."

I have moved past that now. It takes a lot of time.  I had to realize that my mom and ex were lying about a lot of things.  Once I felt more confident, I didn't feel the need to seek reassurance about me being treated like crap.

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Yeah, I have that problem. I don't really reveal too much to strangers as much as just feel the need to tell too much in general. For myself, I think it comes from this family weirdness: You were expected to read minds. If you couldn't read someone else's mind, and you didn't know without being told what they were expecting out of you, you were BAD. However, if you just admitted fault upfront (and the N in the family could feel superior) it went much easier with you. So that I ended up spilling my guts about stuff because I have a deep need for people to understand my motives and that they were well-intentioned.

[Sealynx]

I've been working on that trait for a while. Self justification and the assumption that no is listening to me (because no one ever did) are what I think promote that behavior. 

I think the motivation to speak on boards comes from a slightly different source. We were subjected to a very strict code when growing up. It was a ridiculous, ever changing one, but a code none the less. This caused me to react in a similar but reactive fashion. Since I was taught the world runs on codes, then I need a really good code and at the very least someone to complain to about people who break that code. Support groups provide that complaint department and as someone else noted provides that mirroring that we never got.

[bearwithme]

I come and go like a comet these days on this board...

One of my favourite writers, Elizabeth Wurtzel, mentions in one of her books that she discloses often very private information to complete strangers and I realised that I am doing the same. Sometimes I am motivated by the need not to sound boring so I go ahead and disclose things that I find 'interesting', not exacly to complete strangers of course, but the whole thing is often inappropriate.
I think that I got this from NM and it's really one of the things that I sort of copied as she exaggerated her stories for obviously stupid reasons.

As I grow older I also realise that a little bit of mystery is always good, not of the manipulative sort but rather that some information are to be shared later on, when you know someone better and they know you better too, or better things should be left unsaid and are mine and only mine.

Does anybody find themselves doing the same?

This board never ceases to amaze me.  I have never seen this written down before yet, I do this all the time!  I spill out all kinds of useless and personal information to people I don't even really know and that always leaves me humiliated and the "why did I say all that?" questions start, then I get nervous and obsess over what I said..then I want to go to that person that I just told everything to and recant (although I never do) but it's the feeling I have.

I think Ami, HoP, NLAS, & Seal are all right here.  It comes from deep within to feel "okay" and "heard."  I grew up with suppressed feelings so they must be coming out.  I just don't know why it manifests itself in this manner.  Why don't I just calm down and stay quiet? 

It is a very frustrating problem for me.  Where do I begin to work on this???

Any advice for me would be helpful....

Bear

[Nonameanymore]

thanks to everyone for their input but bear, this is exactly what i am talking about!
for instance someone may ask how did i spend the weekend and instead of saying fine, i will go into detail of what i did, with who, if it was the man i am seeing what we did, what he did, how i reacted to it etc, etc, etc. UNSOLICITED information.
the only justification for me now is that NM made me narrate with every detail what i did, then used the info against me. for instance, if I would go out with a boy who was a bit loud, she made me feel at ease to tell her everything, then when she was screaming and yelling (maybe only a few hours later) she would tell me i am no good for dating troublemakers.
most of the times bear just like you, i regret sharing all this info. the man i am seeing now is a bit of a sphinx, but i do admire his ability not to share too much to others. i don't completely agree with him, but i see that sometimes this is useful. maybe this is what i am learning.

[bearwithme]

Great points Persephone! NM tried made me shut up all the time even when I was hurting and screaming on the inside.  In my teens I was afraid to show her that I was crying and sad so I would cry in my closet and when I heard her coming I would jump out and wash my face and act like nothing was wrong.  I think that is where my anxiety comes from as well, don't know though.

I need to work on staying calm and quiet and not sharing so much info with people.  I hate that about myself...it really bothers me a lot!!!  I admire people who don't say a lot and think before talking.  I feel I don't "think" before I speak sometimes and the remorse is unbearable.

HELP!!!!!

Thank you for posting this PP.  I needed to tell someone and I hope others will give their expert pointers

[nolongeraslave]

the only justification for me now is that NM made me narrate with every detail what i did, then used the info against me. for instance, if I would go out with a boy who was a bit loud, she made me feel at ease to tell her everything, then when she was screaming and yelling (maybe only a few hours later) she would tell me i am no good for dating troublemakers. most of the times bear just like you, i regret sharing all this info. the man i am seeing now is a bit of a sphinx, but i do admire his ability not to share too much to others. i don't completely agree with him, but i see that sometimes this is useful. maybe this is what i am learning.

Wow, this is what my mom did to me. She somehow manipulated me into telling her EVERYTHING, even information about my friends (she used this information to get them in trouble!).  She would present herself as an open-minded and caring woman. Her co-workers would divulge their inner secrets to her, yet she would come home and make fun of them! I wonder if she just needed to feel superior to people by knowing their dirty secrets.

 I felt like I always HAD to tell the truth or I would get into trouble...b/c NM would punish me somehow for not sharing everything with her.  A former best friend of mine yelled at me for not being able to keep my mouth shut in front of my NM (this friend made me look like a horrible person to everyone else).   My NM didn't care that my reputation was ruined. She just wanted the sadistic satisfaction of spilling my friend's secrets to her mom .My NM had her way of getting what she wanted..the constant questions, the snooping, etc. She even told me I was a "shitty liar", hence causing me to feel insecure about hiding stuff from NM.

NM's didn't teach us a sense of boundaries, so it's hard to have them with others.  Learning to say "None of your business" or "I don't feel like talking about it"  is a new thing for me.



EDIT: Bearwithme, I was the same with crying. I had to hide it from my mom, or I would have to endure more mean comments from her.

[Sealynx]

I still have to stop myself from providing justifications even if I did something completely spontaneous for NO REASON WHATSOEVER! And when I slip up and give this justification, afterwards I feel exhausted and ashamed, like I disrupted the flow of conversation in a terrible way and can't engage the other person again. I want to go off by myself and hide. I think the worst part is that the person who delivers this justification is not me. For that period of time I become a anxious child.

[Butterfly]

I still have to stop myself from providing justifications even if I did something completely spontaneous for NO REASON WHATSOEVER! And when I slip up and give this justification, afterwards I feel exhausted and ashamed, like I disrupted the flow of conversation in a terrible way and can't engage the other person again. I want to go off by myself and hide. I think the worst part is that the person who delivers this justification is not me. For that period of time I become a anxious child.

I do the same sometimes.  For some reason, I feel the need to explain myself as if I must not only justify myself but also defend myself because I am so sure the other person must be trying to sabotage me or use what I said or did against me somehow.  This behavior, of course, is the result of NM's sabotage--"When your own mother tries to shoot you down and destroy you, what would stop anyone else from doing the same?" the inner child asks. 

Also, since my NM destroyed all my personal boundaries, it is difficult to learn to build them up again--a step by step process.  With each encounter, I am learning to do it better, though. 

[Nonameanymore]

In addition, something else I do is that I go around reciting my CV as I think that people will think of me as someone who is dumb and shallow. I supose this has an easy explanation, when I think that NM would call me useless/worthless pretty much daily.

It has been great reading your shares - I thought I was the only one in the world who would go around divulging unsolicited info
And guess what? I just did it again 5 minutes ago!

Oh well, if there's a pill, I would take it! 

[English]

I am the opposite of that.  I don't talk.  I'm very quiet, especially if more than one person is present.  I clam up.  Even just talking to one person I start to panic and have to fight through it without embarrassing myself.  I think I don't talk because I was never listened to as a child.  And if NM was talking you NEVER interrupted her; she would humiliate you if you did.  So I got in the habit of listening to all conversations just as a bystander; I never participate.  So people will ignore me.  Which makes me feel even more left out.  Even here on the board I don't write much. And what I do write I am nervous about and reread many times.

I am a teacher, so with students I don't have a problem.  It's talking to the other teachers or the principal.  Especially the principal.  And at lunch I eat with 3 other teachers. I say maybe one sentence, and I notice how they all talk and go on and on and I can't think of anything to say.  So mostly I listen.  When we had a new teacher join our group, one of the teachers explained to her that I don't talk and then told her about me - husband, son, etc..  I had no problem with her doing that; actually I'm kind of glad.

[HeartofPilgrimage]

One of the reasons I like this forum and other forms of written communication is the chance to edit. When I'm talking, stuff just flows out and I wish desperately I could edit then! I started taking Concerta a couple of years ago because of a sleep disorder, and for awhile I was on too high of a dose ... and I would just embarrass myself by chattering like a chipmunk.

Whoever said that their Nmom would insist on them divulging all of their private information, that is definitely a part of my saying too much. I don't really remember it from my childhood, but I have observed her doing that with my children. Often she will tell me something that my kids told her, and once I confronted my daughter about telling Grandma before telling me important stuff, and she protested, but mom she just keeps asking questions and stuff and we didn't even mean to tell her! The weird thing is I can't really pinpoint that happening to me as a child, I guess because it was so normal and everyday that I took her intrusiveness for granted. You know she hasn't just started doing that as an old lady!

[Ami]

I think with an NM, we could not have boundaries w/out being humiliated and demeaned. Maybe, we are afraid of having a self. I know *I* am               xxoo  Ami