Can't keep my mouth shut

[teartracks]

Hi Persefone,

i feel embarassed sometimes to have something good to say. i feel like i stole the goodness and didn't really deserve it. so i have to pretend i am not ok too because the other person will feel bad.

I'm so sorry P.  It kind of reminds me, but not exactly, of expectant men who get morning sickness and other symptoms right along with their pregnant wives.

There's a lot to be said for weeping with those who weep and laughing with those who laugh, but that it makes you feel embarassed and like you stole it must make be a ticket for stress.  Just curious, do you feel embarassed and as if you stole it when you express your bad feelings to others?

tt





   

[Nonameanymore]

hi tt,

as i said before it doesn't happen that often now now as it did in the past before 1995 when i was in contact with nm. now that i think about how the whole scenario unfolds. i think i find it stressful to be around a person who is upset and is yelling whil i am in a good mood, as feeling good is bad - i feel like i have to be sad too etc. It's one of the codependecy traits, tuning in with other's emotions. i think it's not so much about being happy while the other person is sad, but rather in a codependent way, to experience other people's emotions more than my own, because pretty much i didn't know what i was feeling.


on the other hand and just recently i realised (and was shocked but relieved that i finally understood i am doing it) when hurt i actually accuse the other person in a way that NM did to me. i recently had another fight with the guy i am seeing and just like NM i expect to find fault in everything and i snapped at something that wasn't even important and had him on the phone at 1 am lecturing him about how i think things should be. i got it only two days later. i haven't stopped apologising and feeling pretty shitty about it. i realised that i have done this with friends too.

It is strange but this relationship i am in right now made me face all the behaviours i condoned yet have copied from NM and am hopeful that i am sorting them out little by little and one by one, i just hope it won't cost me the loss of this relationship. i feel really grateful to this guy for being so patient with me.
P

[teartracks]

Hi Persephone,

Sounds like you're in an emotional growth spurt.  Inch by inch life is a cinch (or so they say)! 

I used never to post where 'romance' was discussed.  But lo and behold, I have a boyfriend now!  It's helpful  to remember that I speak PINK and he listens in BLUE!   Cherish the moments when he can listen in PINK and when you can listen in BLUE...

tt


 

[Hopalong]

ooohhh persephone,
don't blame yourself.

It's quite amazing what a big voice the formerly voiceless can develop while they're trying to catch up!

My favorite, errr...worst...example was my church's Joys and Sorrows moment in the Sunday service. For several years, I felt COMPELLED to get up and share something, quite heartfelt but what characterized it most was the sense of urgency...with the congregation. At least every couple months. Mind you, about half a dozen people did this every Sunday. In a congregation of over 200.

It took a long time for me to recognize I was:

--using way way more than my "fair share" of the voice-time (despite how warmly and touchingly my "self-revealing" remarks were received, and they were...I still felt uncomfortable
--not actually on Oprah

Several years ago I told myself, that's it. No more, unless there is something very compelling that is truly a life changing moment or concern. And over time, the urge to disclaim (and have a crowd's attention) finally mellowed. So I'm just one. One of many. One of the members. One of the family. No longer needing more air-time than anyone else.

Where that's different is when I'm what we UU's call a "worship associate" (I don't like the term, sounds like a law firm). You do that (assisting the minister, co-planning his or her services, signing up for one about every six weeks) for two years. Once a year, you are invited to give your own sermon.

And that's where my desire to be heard by a crowd DOES make sense. It's not narcissism to have a gift for public speaking or poetry, and use it in that way. So that's been a good use of my voice.

Anyway, I so understand the cringing struggle to get a sense of balance about attention.

It does mellow, and balance, and begin to take its healthy, happy perspective, as you work on it. And your self-consciousness about it will change to self confidence. And that's grand.

Secondly, corny as it sounds, I recommend Toastmasters for a lovely, equal-sharing exercise in being heard (and supporting others).

love,
Hops