Combatting N tendencies in the young

[HeartofPilgrimage]

I had an interesting opportunity today. One of my young adult sons has a tendency toward narcissism --- he's softhearted and kind but I have noticed that he also tends to refer to himself as if he is somewhat superior ... the processes are close to the surface and not buried under years of denial. He lost his temper and damaged something of his brothers' in the process of a temper outburst. His brother gave him grace ... just sighed when he found out and said "Don't do that anymore."

The one that lost his temper was absolutely devastated. Although he has the capacity to replace what he damaged, and make it right, his real devastation was finding out that his temper is not under absolute 100% control. He kept saying, "I don't DO things like that!"

I am grateful to God that I was there, in that teachable moment. And I am grateful for this message board because it is primarily because of you all that I had the clarity to understand where the devastation was coming from. I told him that I had noticed that he tended to think he's a little better than others, and that he seems to carry the attitude that if he does everything exactly right, then he will be assured a good outcome. Therefore he is rigid about doing things a certain way, and can be a bully in order to force everything to be done a certain way. I told him that losing his temper and breaking something was a "welcome to the human race" moment. That following a rigid set of rules doesn't mean you are guaranteed a good outcome, and that screwing up doesn't mean your life is ruined. There are no simple formulas in life ... and that we all need to trust God with our lives rather than trusting in doing everything exactly right with no screw-ups.

I think he heard me. He was always an anxious child ... he always wanted a road map before he began anything new ... he learned to manage anxiety by working hard to have every duck in a row. He has had claustrophobia and needle phobias and who knows what else kind of anxieties. I doubt if he will ever stop wanting things done a certain way. But I hope that this afternoon planted in his mind that the choice is not between being superior or being dirt ... that messing up is part of life.

He would have rather that his brother yelled at him, because then he could have been mad at his brother for being a jerk. When his brother offered him grace (in the form of not being angry at him), it was harder to bear. The only thing grace requires is the humility to receive it.

So, he's trading TVs with his brother and using the damaged one for now, and hopefully has a little more self-awareness and self-compassion ... which will in turn hopefully enrich his relationships with others.

Thank you, message board members!

[Portia]

Heart of P
But I hope that this afternoon planted in his mind that the choice is not between being superior or being dirt ... that messing up is part of life.
I wish I'd had someone to tell me that when i was younger. Good advice

[KatG]

Bravo to you and your sons.  Bravo to you again for raising them.
KatG

[sunblue]

You know, I think this is a very important topic...Kudos to you, as others here have said, for handling it in the way you did.  But I think it's important because I see Narcissism, while primarily as a result of being raised or surrounded by Ns, also being taught, in part, by society.  Children today, whether or not they have parents who are Ns, are more prone to narcissism.  It is rare to find a child these days who thinks of others, who is not selfish or materialistic, and who does not possess a deep sense of entitlement.  I know parents have a hard time saying "no" to these children because it is so prevalent among their peers.  But if it's not nipped in the bud at an early age, it can blossom into full-blown narcissism, and ultimately great unhappiness and sorrow not only for them, but for those around them.

I so wish families would pay more attention to this "selfishness and entitlement" of children today....because even "normal" children can adopt a deeper sense of narcissism.  It is a dangerous trend indeed.

I think it's a good sign your son (who harmed your other son's tv) felt badly...even if it was only that he lost control.  True narcissists never feel guilty or badly about anything.  But lately I've realized how prevalent true narcissism really is in our society.  I was raised by Ns & I work for a true N....and my current N boss wasn't the only one.  I've had several....and I'm just more aware of how many there are out there and what damage they cause for all of us.  Great topic.

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Thanks for all of the good words ... and it's true that it's a good sign that he felt remorseful. I don't think it was only about himself, I think it was also remorse for messing up something of his brother's ... it's not a bad thing to have a self-image that includes being somebody that controls their temper, as long as you understand that is a general tendency, not a guarantee that you will never mess up. I was also proud of my older son for his ability to put things into perspective --- he is going through a terribly stressful time right now, and sometimes stress makes me actually overreact to small things, so I am so proud that he realized that in the scheme of things it was minor.

My older son has behaved like a mature man through all of the stress he is going through. I'm sure that my worries about him (and the rest of my brood) are not over, but I am much more confident today that he is going to be all right, than I was a month or so ago.