Wow!! You all can see clearly through what I'm avoiding dealing with.
Yes, there is a power shift CB. Yes, we're "winging it" until a good idea of a plan presents itself. And this is a very emotional process for both of us. Boundaries are being redrawn - and now, I'm defending mine and that's a new experience for us. Neither of us talk about our emotions too well - but we are trying. We are amateur fighters - more bickerers - there aren't many low blows and we come back to comfortable, pretty quickly. That's hubby's sensitive spot: conflict or anger has always, repeatedly signalled an end to the relationship. I keep pointing out that it's still part of the relationship; that it's not an end-point... and that helps the communication. It's also a physically taxing process and we are both tired and trying to prod ourselves on to the next task, and trying to find new rhythms to our days, as hubby doesn't "go to work" now... and that doesn't feel normal to either one of us.
Oldest daughter is also moving - also the same weekend we are. She will be further away with the grandsons. Youngest daughter is moving into our old house - a solution to not being able to put the house on the market at present, with any hopes of selling it soon and to help her rebuild her dreams of a life. I am closest to youngest daughter - but even that relationship is causing me to stress out - SIGH! Again, we communicate really well, even if it's hard to say certain things... but they are usually heard compassionately. I feel comfortable with her need to make the space her own; she's got that artistic gene too... and sometimes I think she uses it better than I do.
There ARE a million details... and logistics. I find myself constantly wanting to withdraw, shutdown, conserve my emotional energy for dealing with my own crap... yet this shift in the balance of power means that more people are looking to me for decisions, direction, schedules, answers to questions, etc. I don't have the luxury of being able to withdraw into writing it all out right now: it is all happening in real-time and sometimes it's a lot of stuff in real-time. My "normal" consists of doing things alone - the artist's non-collaborative freedom to "create"...
but the reality is that my alone time is shrinking and that my "normal" now has to include lots more people... and in some cases, with a change of relationship. My MIL lost her voice, a month ago. We thought it was simple laryngitis, but it seems she has a paralyzed vocal cord. We thought perhaps the stress of us moving - we're her "first responders" to any needs she has - was part of the problem. Because she's become my new "substitute mom" - and because it's difficult for her to speak - and her independence and well-being is a cause I advocate for... she's become a bigger part of our daily life and especially mine - talk about walking a fine line on a boundary!! The other siblings are now trying to encourage her to take me up on the invitation I extended to her, to move with us so that she'll be safe. And of course, we will have enough room for those families to come for extended stays to visit. It seems that MIL is now thinking about the logistics of her own move, but it will more than likely occur in the spring - she's getting used to the idea, and I can't add much more to my schedule and still be ready on my move date.
Not sure how that news played with my own mom - who is actively plotting an escape from living with my brother's family!
This is all experienced so intensely on that Jungian level - the un/subconscious - that I'm re-experiencing some of the Twiggy psychosomatic issues again. I would swear that I'm involved in a "Groundhog Day" type of replay of experience - but with a completely different set of circumstances - and self. I suspect it's sort of a un-doing of the gordian knot that got me into such a bad place, initially. Going back though the difficulties - differently or in reverse. Explains the overwhelming power of the habit to withdraw... and the resistance to simply feeling the emotions I'm experiencing (much easier to intellectualize them like this) and the fear that people will misunderstand or react badly to my feelings. The grief and sadness are the polar opposite of the happiness and excitement that people seem to be expecting of me - and hubby. Neither of us are "there" yet... it's just not time to party and do the "happy dance"... but it WILL happen, this time. I am finding out that I'm just fine, without my long stretches of alone time... I can still function just fine with lots of people around... and still feel what I feel in the present.
THANKS everyone!
(ps - Helen - don't be a stranger! I miss our playtime... and it doesn't have to be pirates!
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