Author Topic: Dissociation  (Read 2530 times)

Ami

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Dissociation
« on: December 29, 2009, 08:25:03 PM »
I finally realized my problem. I have been in shock i.e. dissociation since I was 14.  It is the kind of relief the Board was in that my problem finally has a name.
 Dissociation has 4 parts, I think. One is a fragmented self. That is the one I can see, clearly,now.
 Does anyone else think they have this?
 What have you done to get help?
  Thanks for any replies.    xxxooo   Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

HeartofPilgrimage

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Re: Dissociation
« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2009, 09:50:57 PM »
I don't dissociate but i think my daughter does. (I have also posted elsewhere that I think my husband does when he's under extreme stress too). She was in an orphanage until she was 14 months old. After we adopted her, when we put her in the crib at night she would throw crying, screaming fits for up to 2 hours, and nothing we did helped. She would "zone out" and you could pass your hand in front of her face during those tantrums, and it was like nobody was home. If you crossed her about anything (told her no) she would go into a rage and seemed to dissociate. But that was when she was a toddler so I'm not 100% sure.

But when she was 11 she had a traumatic brain injury when her horse fell with her. She was in and out of consciousness for about 12 hours, and then afterwards had total amnesia. (She was so sweet and compliant; I never thought I would be glad to hear her be sassy again, but I was!) ... Her memory came back in bits and pieces until finally months later it was mostly back. Still, years later, if she meets an old school teacher or somebody she hasn't seen since the injury, she might not remember them.

Her psychologist said that the amnesia can't be explained by the injury itself because it didn't do that much damage to the brain. She cracked her skull in two places and had a bad concussion, but no deep tissue damage to the brain. His opinion was that the amnesia was dissociative. So that kind of confirms that she had/has a tendency to dissociation.

What I know about dissociation is that if you have very early trauma, it changes the brain in such a way that you "compartmentalize" certain memories. And we know that memories and other cognitive processes are highly influenced by emotion --- so everybody finds it easier to remember things when you are in a similar mood or emotional state to when you learned the information. People who dissociate just take that to the extreme. You might not remember whole chunks of your life experience except for when you enter an emotional state similar to the one you were in when the memory was made. And while for most of us we can eventually access the information by thinking hard and trying to make associations, when somebody dissociates its much harder to just retrieve the information at will.

The way the brain works just fascinates me ... how there are all kinds of mechanisms (like dissociation) that help us survive. I know, though, that eventually stuff like this makes your life very very difficult.

Let me know if I can help in any way ... about the only thing I can think of is looking up information for you if needed.

JustKathy

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Re: Dissociation
« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2009, 10:17:41 PM »
I have episodes of dissociation, at least that's what my psych says it is. It started when I developed Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I take Klonopin, which keeps the anxiety in check, but if I forget to take my medicine I can have problems with dissociation. For me, it's a general wonked out feeling, like you're not in your own body. It's very hard to explain. It can leave you in a very confused state.

Twoapenny

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Re: Dissociation
« Reply #3 on: December 30, 2009, 01:12:30 AM »
Hi Ames ((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I have wondered about this myself.  I have huge gaps in my memory and for most of my life have had a feeling of being outside of myself, watching everything going on.  When I was a teenager I almost had a deafness; someone could be sitting right next to me talking and I could 'hear' them speak but not actually hear what they where saying?  It's really hard to describe but it's almost like there was a wall around my brain, you know like when you can hear you neighbours rowing but can't hear what they're rowing about, you just hear the noise?  Everything was like that.

I've come across letters, stories, poems etc that I've written that feel as if I'm reading what someone else wrote.  When i read them there's absolutely no recollection of writing them or anything in them.  Sometimes I read a book or watch a film and just as I get to the end I realise I know what's going to happen and I've seen it before.  I sit with friends who talk about things we did as kids that I don't remember at all and bump into people I know but sometimes don't remember whether I get on with them or not.  I feel like I've spent my life walking on a tightrope and if I look either way I'll fall off.

I do feel a lot better about myself these days and don't have this sense of being out of my own body unless I get really stressed.  For me, it's a combination of counselling and homeopathy that's really helped, plus a good diet (fewer toxins in the system to add to the stress levels your body is trying to cope with).  Counselling has helped me reinvent myself, I think, and given me the confidence to allow my real thoughts and feelings to come through.  Sitting with my therapist and telling her what my step-dad did to me was the hardest, most disgusting thing I've ever done but actually getting it off my chest and telling someone who believed me was a big step forward, I think.  She was also genuinely shocked by what I told her and I think that helped - my mum always said he was only messing around and I took everything too seriously so I'd always had this sense that I was in the wrong.  I've told more and more people now and there have been audible gasps of shock at some things and that's helped me to understand that NORMAL PEOPLE THINK HAVING SEX WITH CHILDREN IS WRONG!!  So I think that's helped.

I've cut more and more people out of my life - Izzy mentions getting rid of toxic people and only being around nice ones and that's what I aim for now.  I don't always get it right and sometimes I find I'm in an old situation again but it's getting less frequent and I'm realising it's happening quicker than I used to.

It's been a very long process for me and I believe I will have to tinker with this for the rest of my life, but I am happier and more content now than I used to be and I'm lucky enough that I've probably got a good few years ahead of me yet to enjoy it more and more.

Thinking of you, Ames.  Lots of love xx ((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))

sKePTiKal

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Re: Dissociation
« Reply #4 on: December 30, 2009, 09:32:53 AM »
Yes, Ami - I've been dealing with it... and there are times when dissociating is a useful tool - like when you are able to "tune out" and distance yourself in a situation that you'd rather not react spontaneously in or when you want to concentrate on something... it's not all bad, in other words.

My recommendation is to read "Stroke of Insight" by Jill Bolte Taylor... even though it deals with her experience of having a stroke, much will sound familiar to someone with more intense dissociation and ultimately you will see the "path" to accepting/compensating for this rather scary "skill".

What you said about a fragmented self is spot on. One way to work with that situation (practically speaking) is learning about the Left Brain - Right Brain dicotomy and the types of experience dominant in each center. It's NOT a "never the twain shall meet" reality, either... I find that my particular style of dissociation was a form of coping and it's not all that difficult to "retrain" myself to use both brain centers collaboratively, interchangeably, and simultaneously in more satisfying, successful ways. Body work - like your yoga - is one way this happens without a conscious effort, for some.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Ami

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Re: Dissociation
« Reply #5 on: December 30, 2009, 09:37:53 AM »
You know, Amber, I used to do yoga with music. I stopped using the music and just mediated and all these feelings came flooding in. The first day I did this, I got really depressed in a way I never have before. I felt the kind of hopelessness a person would feel when they would take their life.
 I talked it out and cried and felt better.
 The next day, I felt a sense of black, ugly goop inside of me that was my "bad"(shame) and I cried. Today, I feel more whole. Can you relate to any of this?                Ami


PS Today I was afraid to do any yoga :shock:
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Gabben

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Re: Dissociation
« Reply #6 on: December 30, 2009, 02:50:27 PM »
I finally realized my problem. I have been in shock i.e. dissociation since I was 14.  It is the kind of relief the Board was in that my problem finally has a name.
 Dissociation has 4 parts, I think. One is a fragmented self. That is the one I can see, clearly,now.
 Does anyone else think they have this?
 What have you done to get help?
  Thanks for any replies.    xxxooo   Ami

Hi Ami,

I was too in a state of dissociation just up until this past year, lived in that state for so long I had very little idea of what it was like to be free from having a part of myself just checked out... being "gone." My dissociation started after I was traumatized through a violent kidnap. There were parts of the story that I never got to really speak about or write about because they were just too yucky and too terrifying to reveal even to myself, therefore I buried the story, checking out of reality that part of self that was so lost in fear and frozen in time.

I have missed the board. Things have calmed down for me a bit, relative to where I was this past summer with what seemed huge childhood memories, deep wounds surfacing. However, recently I had a back and forth drama email with my N mom, it pushed old buttons, and here I am again, thinking about writing out here on the board to get to the old buried pain to get out the healing cross of letting to get free.

Miss you and hope that you have had a good holiday season.

Ami

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Re: Dissociation
« Reply #7 on: December 30, 2009, 08:02:52 PM »
Hi (((Lise)))
 So nice to see you!!              xxxxooo Ami
« Last Edit: December 30, 2009, 08:24:36 PM by Ami »
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

seasons

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Re: Dissociation
« Reply #8 on: December 30, 2009, 08:19:08 PM »

Hi Ami,

Quote
I stopped using the music and just mediated and all these feelings came flooding in. The first day I did this, I got really depressed in a way I never have before.


Take it slow and carefully. Glad to hear you felt better after talking it out.

Very interesting thread, I'm sure much to learn in this area.

With love seasons
"Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak Kindly. Leave the Rest to God."
Maya Angelou

Ami

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Re: Dissociation
« Reply #9 on: December 30, 2009, 08:22:06 PM »

Hi Ami,

Quote
I stopped using the music and just mediated and all these feelings came flooding in. The first day I did this, I got really depressed in a way I never have before.


Take it slow and carefully. Glad to hear you felt better after talking it out.

Very interesting thread, I'm sure much to learn in this area.

With love seasons


You are such a wonderful gift ((( seasons))). I understand how Scott felt when he killed himself. The hopelessness was so intense and I am at peace that Scott could not control it.  God bless you, dear friend. Love you xxxooo  Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Ami

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Re: Dissociation
« Reply #10 on: December 30, 2009, 08:50:02 PM »
You had a beautiful post, Izzy. Why did you take it off?         Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

seasons

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Re: Dissociation
« Reply #11 on: December 30, 2009, 08:51:11 PM »
Your peace is music to my heart.

To have a felt his pain, may be a gift from Scott? God? Both? Love to you and your beloved son.

I'm sorry through such pain you found truth and solice. I wish it were much easier to find the truth.

You are such a giver, your strength and power to fight through it all is a blessing to witness.   Forever grateful for your support and friendship. Love, seasons
"Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak Kindly. Leave the Rest to God."
Maya Angelou

Ami

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Re: Dissociation
« Reply #12 on: December 30, 2009, 09:04:08 PM »
Your peace is music to my heart.

To have a felt his pain, may be a gift from Scott? God? Both? Love to you and your beloved son.

I'm sorry through such pain you found truth and solice. I wish it were much easier to find the truth.

You are such a giver, your strength and power to fight through it all is a blessing to witness.   Forever grateful for your support and friendship. Love, seasons
   

Dear (((Seasons))
 It was a gift. I didn't realize that I was angry at him for putting "me" through this heartache but I could understand how he made that horrible decision now and I am at  peace. That sweet child is with Jesus now and when I die he will reach out and take me in. That is a wonderful thing, sweet seasons.    xxxoo  Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

sKePTiKal

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Re: Dissociation
« Reply #13 on: December 31, 2009, 06:17:03 AM »
Yes, Ami - I can relate.

I meditated quite a bit before "remembering" or unblocking Twiggy's memories... but I always wound up in tears so I stopped. Funny thing, dissociation makes meditation very easy but what I needed - those memories - wasn't there. As all that came up, I was learning tai chi... and "working in my body" was both relief from the feelings/memories that were coming back to me and also a way for me to experience having the feelings and letting them go... and learning that I needn't fear any of my emotions or memories.

For me, body work speeded up the healing process. It was a necessary, I think, compliment to therapy. I can't wait to get moved to my new house, where I'll have space to practice again! The stacks of boxes are closing in on me as we get closer to moving day and even the animals are having trouble finding places to "be"...

ps - HI LISE! I wondered how you've been...
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.