Experiences with therapists re-victimizing you?

[nolongeraslave]

This may be a trigger, and I apologize if you're not ready to share. However, I would like to hear everyone else's situations with "abusive" helping professionals.

Some of these examples may just sound "odd." I'm not sure if it's abusive, but it certainly wasn't helpful either.

-When I was in 7th grade, a middle-aged psychologist asked me "How is your sexual appetite?" (WTF?)  While I responded comfortably about my sex drive (which is a big red flag of possible sexual abuse), it was weird how he didn't take that into consideration.   Why would you want to ask a child that anyway? Looking back, I think a part of me was embarrassed, but I was taught to learn how to tolerate inappropriate sexual behavior from older men at a young age.

-That same psychologist accused me of "not caring" about how my parents feel.  I kept quiet and felt humiliated and sad on the inside. I didn't know how to express my feelings back then! I just froze at these weird things he was saying.  I was hurt, because it felt like he was accusing me of being a horrible person. That reinforced my sense of nobody being able to help me, and that nobody cared how I felt.

-The same psychologist did some "emotional invalidation." At 13, I didn't know what emotional invalidation was. So, I didn't know how to explain how I felt. I felt like he was making me feel crazy and that my thoughts didn't mean anything.

-A different psychologist in 8th grade once told me, "You're asking for trouble if you walk around dressed like that" (implying that I would get raped).  I was dressing provocative, as a result of sexual abuse. I don't remember her trying to address what was going on to cause me to dress like that.

-When I was 17, a different psychologist told my mom to buy me a vibrator.  My psychologist didn't want me to have sex, so she thought a vibrator would help. She even suggested taking a different type of anti-depressants to lower my sexual urges.  Again, she failed to realize that the sexual issues came from sexual abuse, lack of love, verbal/emotional abus, anxiety. It wasn't technically about "sex." Years later, my mom ran into her at a store and found out that I was her first client.


I recently e-mailed my old psychologist from 8th grade (the one that said I was asking for trouble by dressing sexually) asking her if she suspected sexual abuse and a narcissistic mom.  I explained to her that I was "acting out," because I couldn't express in words what was happening to me. She never responded.  She may not remember me, since it was so long ago. But, she may also feel embarrassed for not being able to see the red flags.

I have been hurt at how I wasn't able to get proper help when I was a kid, but sometimes I think it's funny....especially how my old therapist wanted me and my mom to walk into a sex store together to buy a vibrator! LOL. Maybe that's my way of coping.  

My parents took me to any random therapist, and didn't research into who was actually good. For awhile, I was convinced that there were no good therapists. Until I met one when I was 24! And it was worth it.
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[bearwithme]

Geez NAS.  All I can say is that you definitely did not get the appropriate treatment that you so deserved.  Your NM was crazy and they didn't see that????  Sexual abuse, nowadays, in children is sooo treated differently. It's like they are put into deep, intense psychological therapy and family counseling for everyone involved so that everyone is on board with the tremendous issues at hand.

No child suffering from sexual abuse should have gone to a "wannabe therapist" like you had to.  I'm sorry you had to listen to them.  But you know, you had the right attitude and were smarter than them to begin with, IMHO.  You probably scared the pants off them as they had no idea how to address such trauma in a child.

I'm glad you have/had someone worthy.  I have a wonderful T and no complaints so far...he's helped me with so much. 

Carry on, NAS and don't listen to garbage.  Do you have the same T now, the one that is good? 

Bear

[nolongeraslave]

Hi bear!

I sometimes have a feeling that my NM charmed these therapists, or manipulated them somehow.  She's good at what she does, especially when she's rich and has power.   I forgot to say that one psychologist said, "She (me) doesn't fit in with this family."  


Let me clarify that I didn't disclose that I was being sexually abused in therapy. There are a lot of reasons why I didn't tell, but hopefully you understand.  BUT, trained professionals know that most kids don't tell. It's the red flags that lead adults to suspect something.   I was showing all of the classic red flags, but I guess these therapists didn't know how to work with it.    My NM just loves to throw this in my face by saying, "It's your fault. You didn't tell anyone!"  

My first good T is back in my old town, b/c I moved. SHE's the reason why I'm on my own today.  

I have a T in this town, who also has a narcissistic mom. She's just as good. These former T stories did give both of them a shock!    

[Twoapenny]

Hi NLS,

I think sometimes certain kinds of jobs attract people for the wrong reasons.  So you can get teachers who just like to be bossy and right all the time, rather than actually caring about the way a child learns and what works best for them, police officers who just like to thump people and throw their weight around rather than wanting to protect innocent people and keep the streets safe, social workers who bully and intimidate vulnerable people rather than helping and supporting them - you get the drift.  Sadly, and quite disgustingly, I think there are people with a very unhealthy interest in sex and sexual abuse/sex with minors.  I also think that a lot of people take their own personal baggage with them into work.  So your therapist who told you you were dressing provacatively was taking her own beliefs (a lot of people still think women are asking for it) and laying them on you - that was her personal (and grossly misguided) opinion, not a professional one.  Equally that other therapist sounds to me like he had a very unhealthy interest in young girls.  It's quite terrifying; you read about children taken from their parents because they're being abused and being placed in care homes where their carers abuse them.  I think the sad truth is the only person likely to fight for their child tooth and nail is their parent - and if you're unlucky enough to have parents that won't do that then you are really in a vulnerable position.

I've been abused repeatedly by people who were supposed to help me - psychiatrists, psychologists, health visitors, social workers, police officers (emotionally abused I mean, not physically).  I think the power of these kinds of jobs attracts the wrong kind of people sometimes.  Plus anyone using those kinds of services has experienced a problem of some sort and is therefore vulnerable and easy to exploit.  In your situation, who would you have told?  They could say what they liked to you knowing there was nothing you could do and no-one you could talk to.  I still think people prefer not to deal with actual abuse if they can and find it easier to blame the child than to address the issues adults have.

I'm glad you've found a good T now.  Stick with them!  They can help you work through the nonsense that others have spouted in the past.  My T has been invaluable in helping me unpick all the old messages I've had from people over the years about being crazy, no good, lying etc.  Once you have a good one they can do so much for you, so hopefully it will start to balance out.  Your old T probably didn't reply to that email because she can tell you won't be fobbed and and dismissed the way you were when you were younger and she can't maintain control in a situation like that.

[nolongeraslave]

Twoapenny,

I'm also sorry to hear that you were repeatedly victimized by people who were supposed to help you. If you don't mind, would you be okay with giving specific examples?  

I think this is another reason why kids often don't tell about their abuse, because they feel they will be at risk for being abused again in a foster home!   Sadly, this isn't an uncommon scenario.   Even if your parents are abusive, chances are they may be nicer than the other sick people out there that want to exploit you. I've met people much worse than my own parents that gave me second thoughts about leaving my parents. I felit like it was easier to stay home than to live outside in the real world where people would eat you up!

I had nobody to tell back then. Even at such a young age, my instincts were spot on.  I knew nothing could be done.  It's sad how adults are quick to blame kids who need love and compassion the most.   Oh well, I survived at least.  While I used unhealthy coping skills to survive, I'm luckily safe now.


I remember T's and teachers back in 8th grade telling me that my life would be screwed up (not the best thing to say to a child, IMO. That just lowers their self-esteem and view on the world more).   Oh, how wrong they were though!

[HeartofPilgrimage]

I wish I felt confident that every program that trains therapists successfully screens out the incompetents, but unfortunately I know it ain't so. 

[nolongeraslave]

It sucks, but every therapist is going to have their strengths and weaknesses. Someone that's not skilled at working with trauma may be very good at working with something else, just like a therapist specializing in sexual abuse may not be the best at doing couples counseling.   At least a T can say, "Maybe I'm not the best person for you. Maybe we can find a better fit", instead of just working with the case and wasting the person's time.

When I read my old T's website, her specialty and interests was ADHD, grief, adoption, and caring for the elderly.   There was nothing mentioned about trauma, personality disorders, or OCD spectrum-related behaviors. Makes perfect sense now.

When I finally found a good T, I learned that she specialized in all of the areas I needed help with. Thank God.

I might have said this in another topic, but I am suspecting that one my clients is being sexually abused (she reminds me of how I was at that age.. seductive and comfortably blurting out inappropriate sexual comments). But, my supervisor (who also specializes in trauma) dismissed my concerns. That's how the system goes.  

When I told my T, my T agreed that there's a high chance she's being sexually abused. At least I know I'm not crazy for thinking that.

[Sealynx]

As Two a Penny said,
Many people go into certain vocations for the wrong reason and the training in and of itself does not make a Psychologist. Someone can be good in Math and Science and not even like people. No one is tested for empathy when they enter graduate school and many people who are naturally empathic don't consider attending because they can't pass statistics, a course completely unrelated to one on one treatment but required for a PHD.

Our entire education system is geared toward creating a clinician who can also do studies and write papers or teach in an academic setting. There is very little consideration of their ability to engage on a human level and they may even be graded down for doing so. I remember reading about a really brilliant child psychologist who had to sneak off in order to take one of his clients and her children home on a bitter cold day. His supervisor would have fried him and yet the visit provided him with a much deeper understanding of their daily struggles that proved instrumental in helping them to heal them.

There is also the economic factor, especially with children. How badly does this psychologist need this client? Can he or she afford to tell the parent who is paying the bill that they are an abuser? There are also state laws that require reporting of suspected cases of abuse, so they may not wish to hear certain things because it can open them up to a lawsuit if they don't contact the authorities. This of course results in issues for the parent who can and will remove the child from the therapist. I think it is easier for them to instruct the child on how to act and dress then to risk all the issues that come with knowing why. Sometimes our laws are double edged swords.

There are good therapist out there, but there are also many reasons why the system is broken, especially for children who are not already formally identified as abuse victims. I'm so sorry you guys had to endure that kind of treatment.
S

[Hopalong]

I have had some wonderful experiences with MSWs. As a therapee.

And how frustrating about the statistics...I used to think I'd like to harness my empathy and become a counselor, but statistics made my brain boil so a psychology degree wasn't for me...

Should be other, reliable paths. I guess LCSW is one, depending on the person.

Hops

[JustKathy]

Nolongeraslave, I only saw a therapist once as a minor, and like you, I have a feeling that NM charmed her first. When I was in high school, my parents took me to a therapist because of the drug problem M kept trying to pin on me (I had never taken anything stronger than an aspirin). From the minute I walked in the room, the woman was working on the assumption that I was a drug addict. I started begging with her, pleading for help, and telling her that M had framed me. The T looked at me and said, "Kathy, I can't help you with your addiction if you aren't willing to open up about it." I told her again that M had framed me, and that I didn't do drugs. At that point M picked me up by the arm and dragged me out of there. Things weren't going her way, so we left.

I could just tell by the way that woman looked at me, from the minute I walked into her office, that she had been given some "prior history" on me. After I left home, I waited many years before I went to another therapist, because that first time was so brutal.

I could write a novel about bad experiences with therapists as an adult. Some have been good, but some have caused permanent emotional damage.

[BonesMS]

After the bout with the last therapist, I find it impossible to trust ANY therapist, which puts me in a Catch-22!  I want to get help and, at the same time, I don't want to be RE-victimized and RE-abused AGAIN!

Bones

[Sealynx]

Hopalong,
I have 39 graduate hours in SW, just short of the 45 required to complete the degree. I quit because I didn't feel I was learning anything. They were just repeating systems theory over and over. I would imagine some programs offer more but what you are taught and what you can do with the degree varies greatly from state to state. I did have to take statistics though, but was not held to as many math requirements as a PHD psychology.

[Gabben]

"Many people go into certain vocations for the wrong reason and the training in and of itself does not make a Psychologist."
M. Scott Peck writes that in order for a patient to get well within the arena of counseling the therapist must be capable of genuine love.


Dear nolongeraslave,

There have been many therapists in my life, my real first one came right after I was kidnapped at the age of 11, my first experience with therapy. The therapist at first frightened me but as I risked telling her my story, even if at the time I only told my story from an intellectual perspective of facts rather than feelings, I began to feel my therapists compassion which looking back I can see made a difference, no matter how small it was, it made a positive difference.

I had another therapist in high school who I worked with for about 2 years, she was wonderful, like a mom, sweet and very empathetic, she really helped me to like myself on some levels enough to risk living again after so much family damage.

Then there was KC, one of my favorite therapists, she was pure tough love, really solid. She helped me with the initial full fledged layers of shame as well as helped me to learn about anger, she used to get a yellow whiffle bat, hitting her couch with it, she modeled anger and that my anger was OK, even if I was barely really in touch with it at that time. Later in life I could look back to KC, her smiling warm face of acceptance of all of me, to get relief from the overwhelming shame of my anger when it did fully start to surface. KC made a difference.

Then came Peter, my psychiatrist, he was as close to pure gentle love combined with compassion and intense intelligence. Had not been for Peter, I would never have lived this long or I would still be looking for a father to rescue me. I did most of my deep core abandonment trauma wounding with him, safely, coming through many dark tunnels.

My one bad experience with a counselor even had its' good side. This was an N counselor that brought me to the board in a state of confusion and distress. But through the pain and confusion that her deception heaped on me I was able to learn more about myself, my mother, and healing at much deeper levels. This counselor did indeed re-victimize me but through her re victimization I was and still am working my way of of victim mentality.


Hope that some of this helps provide some insights or comfort.

Lise

[swimmer]

No longer a slave:

Any professional working with minors who says a kid is going to be screwed up is sick.  The very nature of a professional/child relationship is to nuture and educate kids to be independent healthy adults.  Sooo off base. 

These adults were/are the screwed up ones.  I guarantee any professional journal would not support any of these statements, and find it to be quite non-therapeutic or abusive.  Sick!!!!

So sorry you experienced these adults who were supposed to be supportive, how confusing that must have been at that age.  I hope th crazy statements these adults made are/will be memories of screwed up, sick adults & not a child who was made wrong.

Good for you, finding your clarity!!

Swimmer

[nolongeraslave]

Hopalong,
I have 39 graduate hours in SW, just short of the 45 required to complete the degree. I quit because I didn't feel I was learning anything. They were just repeating systems theory over and over. I would imagine some programs offer more but what you are taught and what you can do with the degree varies greatly from state to state. I did have to take statistics though, but was not held to as many math requirements as a PHD psychology.

I think that's how it is in most schools. They just go through the basics. I dare say that being a psychology grad student is also about just kissing your professor's a** and meeting his/her needs. My classmates were so obsessed with GPA and competing over who got into what. 

My mom would say, "Don't they teach you how to fix yourself in school?" HAHAHAH!  Of course, I believed her and tried my hardest to "fix myself".  The truth is they don't teach you that stuff. You learn more on the actual job and through your own life experiences. What you learn in school is just something that you can apply.