Author Topic: What did you do to make that bad thing happen to you?  (Read 2810 times)

HeartofPilgrimage

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What did you do to make that bad thing happen to you?
« on: January 16, 2010, 11:04:37 PM »
A friend said just the other day that when he tells his mom about something bad that happened to him, her response usually is, "So what did you do that caused that to happen?" He said he has gotten to the point he just hangs up on her when she gives him that response, which has caused her to back off. But, gee, the very next day I got the same B.S. from MY mom --- and realized that yes, this is a pattern.

So you not only get kicked in the teeth by life circumstances but then you get kicked in the teeth by the person you are seeking solace from.

My mother seems to think that every bad circumstance in life is avoidable. And she seems to comfort herself that nothing bad is going to happen to HER by blaming the other person when they seek her out for empathy, comfort, or at least mutual moaning and groaning (don't we all have the need to moan and groan for awhile after something bad happens to us?). So, you say, "Mom, DS's estranged wife cut his electricity off, even though she was specifically barred from doing that in the temporary court order." And she says, "Why didn't he take her name off the account already?" Very annoying. Yes, let's DO take the focus off the person that has maliciously tried to make DS's life harder, and let's DO put the focus on how he must have screwed up for that to have happened to him.

I don't get it. How can a person that has lived long enough to be considered ELDERLY, not get that 1) bad things sometimes happen and they happen to everyone no matter how careful you are, and 2) even if you could have prevented X bad thing from happening, it doesn't give other people the right to screw you over just because you slipped up, and 3) how is this making anybody's life better, to kick them while they're down?

Twoapenny

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Re: What did you do to make that bad thing happen to you?
« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2010, 01:53:16 AM »
Hi HoP,

My mum's the same.  Anything bad that happens could have been avoided if the other person had done x, y or z.  Completely unable to empathise with anybody regardless of the situation.  Even death - a fortnight is alright to be out of sorts afterwards but after that it's finished, life goes on, get on with it.

My guess is they were constantly told as children that everything was their thought and that became totally ingrained in their psyche and passed on to their children.  My own thoughts about why some people work on themselves and some don't is because of what you uncover.  Some people are strong enough to take those old feelings and situations out, deal with them, sift through them and try and put themselves back together.  Some people aren't - so they stay in those old ways even though they lose people around them.

I've always found it ironic that, out of our whole family, I'm the one that could have helped my mum the most, if she had chosen to deal with her stuff and work through it (I mean by being supportive, listening, loving and so on).  I'm also the one she's pushed away the most and treated the worst, so am also the one least likely to offer to do so.  I do wonder if it's a sort of sub-conscious thing - 'if I spend too much time around this one I'll have to deal with my issues and I can't handle it so I'll push her away'.
I find it really hard to get my head around - that sort of avoidance and 'you caused this' attitude is the total opposite of me so I find it really difficult to identify with it and accept it.


BonesMS

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Re: What did you do to make that bad thing happen to you?
« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2010, 06:27:38 AM »
I could NEVER understand the judgmental attitudes by these N's of "blame the victim".   NWomb-Donor OFTEN did it until shortly before her death.  She even blamed ALL LITTLE CHILDREN for the sexual abuse they suffered stating that "they were little whores anyway so they deserved to be raped!"  HOW SICK, EVIL and TWISTED IS THAT?!?!?!?!?   :P :P

I witnessed this type of attitude, back in 1988, when I went shopping with a group of friends at a shopping mall.  We had just walked through the doors of the mall when this strange man SHOVED his way past us, ran up to a woman walking in front of us, AND STABBED HER!!!!   :shock:  We went to her aid, along with several others.  While we were helping her and someone else ran to call 9-1-1, this IDIOT stood over us and loudly comments:  "She must have done something to DESERVE to be stabbed!"  I got so MAD that I stood up and told her to "F@#$ OFF!"

Now, with the disaster in Haiti, we get a similar stupid comment out of Pat Robertson, who is old enough to know better!!!!!

IDIOTS ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   :P

Bones
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Ami

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Re: What did you do to make that bad thing happen to you?
« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2010, 08:14:08 AM »
Yes  my M--too! Ick, Yuch ,Ick!                                   Ami





PS My M's sister is swimming with empathy for her kids and in general. I got the wrong one!
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

BonesMS

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Re: What did you do to make that bad thing happen to you?
« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2010, 08:33:40 AM »
Yes  my M--too! Ick, Yuch ,Ick!                                   Ami





PS My M's sister is swimming with empathy for her kids and in general. I got the wrong one!

((((((((((((((((((Ami)))))))))))))))))))

Bones
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nolongeraslave

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Re: What did you do to make that bad thing happen to you?
« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2010, 12:29:09 PM »
Oh yes, NM is the same. I learned the hard way to not tell her anything anymore.  Everything is my fault.  This guy from a dating site wanted me to fly over to see him, and he started yelling at me on how he wanted me to share the same bed with him.  He wouldn't stop calling me and guilting me on how I hurt him by refusing to see him in New York (the guy clearly was a sexual predator).   My NM blamed me! She said, "Did you talk weird to him to make him mad? Was he cute? "  WTF?   I don't think any normal mom would want their daughter sharing a bed with a guy that's already yelling and pressuring her before she's met him.


When NM does something wrong, it's NEVER her fault though. It magically becomes everyone else's.   She has a habit of putting her own mistakes on other people.

Bones-I can relate to your NM blaming kids that are sexually abused. In public, my mom will put on the sweet act "Oh, poor them!". Behind closed doors, she told me it was my fault for not telling anyone and not defending myself when I was being molested.  
« Last Edit: January 17, 2010, 12:41:39 PM by nolongeraslave »

BonesMS

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Re: What did you do to make that bad thing happen to you?
« Reply #6 on: January 17, 2010, 12:46:51 PM »
Oh yes, NM is the same. I learned the hard way to not tell her anything anymore.  Everything is my fault.  This guy from a dating site wanted me to fly over to see him, and he started yelling at me on how he wanted me to share the same bed with him.  He wouldn't stop calling me and guilting me on how I hurt him by refusing to see him in New York (the guy clearly was a sexual predator).   My NM blamed me! She said, "Did you talk weird to him to make him mad? Was he cute? "  WTF?   I don't think any normal mom would want their daughter sharing a bed with a guy that's already yelling and pressuring her before she's met him.


When NM does something wrong, it's NEVER her fault though. It magically becomes everyone else's.   She has a habit of putting her own mistakes on other people.

Bones-I can relate to your NM blaming kids that are sexually abused. In public, my mom will put on the sweet act "Oh, poor them!". Behind closed doors, she told me it was my fault for not telling anyone and not defending myself when I was being molested.  

It makes me HATE these NWomb-Donors even more!   :evil: :evil:

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river

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Re: What did you do to make that bad thing happen to you?
« Reply #7 on: January 17, 2010, 05:16:23 PM »
Uhuh!   
theres so much in these posts thats typical N. ~ in that ~ its the toxic stuff, the subtle implications of this, for eg:
Quote
When NM does something wrong, it's NEVER her fault though. It magically becomes everyone else's.
  and

Quote
  [quote "Did you talk weird to him to make him mad? Was he cute? "  WTF? ]
exactly, the hidden implication is a set up, and inducement for abuse.  So an N. sets her own children up for toxic, shaming, humiliation, whilst disowning her own shame, exporting it INTO ~ one way or antother ~ the other person.   And the while, professing love, and others believing it.

My own NM I really dont think she knew she was doing it, yet its the lack of responsibility of ever, ever questioning herself, which is so... so... it leaves one powerless!

Quote
this IDIOT stood over us and loudly comments:  "She must have done something to DESERVE to be stabbed
bones, how unbeleivably horrific!

BonesMS

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Re: What did you do to make that bad thing happen to you?
« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2010, 05:58:29 AM »
Uhuh!   
theres so much in these posts thats typical N. ~ in that ~ its the toxic stuff, the subtle implications of this, for eg:
Quote
When NM does something wrong, it's NEVER her fault though. It magically becomes everyone else's.
  and

Quote
  [quote "Did you talk weird to him to make him mad? Was he cute? "  WTF? ]
exactly, the hidden implication is a set up, and inducement for abuse.  So an N. sets her own children up for toxic, shaming, humiliation, whilst disowning her own shame, exporting it INTO ~ one way or antother ~ the other person.   And the while, professing love, and others believing it.

My own NM I really dont think she knew she was doing it, yet its the lack of responsibility of ever, ever questioning herself, which is so... so... it leaves one powerless!

Quote
this IDIOT stood over us and loudly comments:  "She must have done something to DESERVE to be stabbed
bones, how unbelievably horrific!


That it was!  I was so FURIOUS that I was tempted to B*tchslap that IDIOT!

Bones
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Lucky

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Re: What did you do to make that bad thing happen to you?
« Reply #9 on: January 18, 2010, 07:09:37 AM »
My mother always responds as if nobody can be a victim of anything. EXCEPT SHE HERSELF, she is always everybody elses victim and never responsible for anything herself :twisted: :evil: :evil:.

BonesMS

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Re: What did you do to make that bad thing happen to you?
« Reply #10 on: January 18, 2010, 07:28:17 AM »
My mother always responds as if nobody can be a victim of anything. EXCEPT SHE HERSELF, she is always everybody elses victim and never responsible for anything herself :twisted: :evil: :evil:.

N's like that are INFURIATING!!!!!!

Bones
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HeartofPilgrimage

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Re: What did you do to make that bad thing happen to you?
« Reply #11 on: January 18, 2010, 11:13:33 AM »
Wow, apparently blaming the victim is pretty typical of moms like ours. Yes, true, the Nmom does not ever accept responsibility for the things she actually does ... but tries to figure out how it is the victim's fault as long as the victim is somebody else! Wow.

The thing that can be so dizzy-fying for me is that my mother can be very supportive until something triggers her N. And you cannot cannot cannot predict what that something will be. It sucks me in and I repeatedly make the mistake of depending on her for something (emotional support, empathy) that she doesn't have to give.

river

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Re: What did you do to make that bad thing happen to you?
« Reply #12 on: January 18, 2010, 11:30:55 AM »
Gosh!
Quote
  It sucks me in and I repeatedly make the mistake of depending on her for something (emotional support, empathy) that she doesn't have to give.   

....... or that she has to give only under certain conditions, in which case, one wonders if it can be really called support.   Which is sort of what you just said anyway.   :?

Gabben

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Re: What did you do to make that bad thing happen to you?
« Reply #13 on: January 18, 2010, 12:54:34 PM »

HoP, thank you. This was very validating for me and helpful today. It conveys much of my hurting heart.

A friend said just the other day that when he tells his mom about something bad that happened to him, her response usually is, "So what did you do that caused that to happen?" He said he has gotten to the point he just hangs up on her when she gives him that response, which has caused her to back off. But, gee, the very next day I got the same B.S. from MY mom --- and realized that yes, this is a pattern.

My mom has done the very same thing to me, over and over again. As a child I would come home from school telling her a story of how some boy or kid was mean to me but that I cared about them like Jesus says to just care, however, it still did not take away the pain that I felt or the feelings of sadness and cofusion that I need to have validated, or at least just her protective arm around me to show me tenderness, that I was still little and just learning.

It was a form of gaslighting, her telling me that I did something to provoke it or that I must have been bad or wrong to elicit responses from other kids that were, looking back, just being kids, bullies.

So you not only get kicked in the teeth by life circumstances but then you get kicked in the teeth by the person you are seeking solace from.

Exactly. I am healing now from ever feeling solace or comfort from humans, except others like you who too have had to grow up with N's, the invalidation, the abuse, the confusion, the bewilderment that they leave you in. As painful as it is it is forcing me to reach into prayer and to trust my own thinking, my own perceptions, no matter how much confusion that I have to push through in prayer. It is making me stronger in ways that I still cannot see or understand, yet.


I don't get it. How can a person that has lived long enough to be considered ELDERLY, not get that 1) bad things sometimes happen and they happen to everyone no matter how careful you are, and 2) even if you could have prevented X bad thing from happening, it doesn't give other people the right to screw you over just because you slipped up, and 3) how is this making anybody's life better, to kick them while they're down?

This was so helpful for me to read. It was helpful for me because I still believe the lies that bad things only happen to bad people and that I attract bad stuff to happen in my life, which has some truth to in in that I will work out the unfinished drama or pain of childhood by unconsciously attracting those kinds of people and circumstances into my life. This I do not mind so much as it shows me what I still need to work through, a sifting of sorts to get me free from unhealed baggage. But it does not mean that I am bad, that is clear.

As I look back on how good I was at times in my life, a vision came to me of how I was noble, really honest at times in my life with others but that kind of courage and truth seeking, revealing of my real self was too much for others, who cannot live in that kind of courage, to take it unless they can take it from you in a perverted form - it made them hate me and hurt me. THAT WAS NOT MY FAULT.

This is all becoming more and more clear to me as I work through the very old tangled web and tightly bound lies in my soul that speak to me about my badness, which was never true. I was not bad for needing, wanting and seeking as a child, not bad for being a child. I was not bad, therefore it was NOT my fault, the pain and suffering. It was as you say, sometimes bad things just happen to good people.

Hopalong

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Re: What did you do to make that bad thing happen to you?
« Reply #14 on: January 18, 2010, 06:16:00 PM »
I was noble, really honest at times in my life with others but that kind of courage and truth seeking, revealing of my real self was too much for others, who cannot live in that kind of courage, to take it unless they can take it from you in a perverted form - it made them hate me and hurt me. THAT WAS NOT MY FAULT.

It's true. I think your Ntherapist or spiritual counselor was just not equipped.

I wonder if an exceedingly wise, old, experienced and seasoned psychiatrist could help more than someone who's wrapped in the church identity?

If someone's aiming for a saintly image but hasn't got enough detachment to observe and accept you as you are, in order to help...then, that ain't going to be good.

Hops
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