unpleasant reactions in therapy

[sKePTiKal]

Ales - I sympathize with your reluctance to medicate the pain away. My T also suggested using a drug, at least temporarily - so that I could continue to function in my life. She was trying to help with that suggestion but respected a lot of my reasons why I didn't want a reprieve; I wanted to simply face it once and for all and put a stake in the heart of the demons that "haunted" me. I was moving through a lot of intensely painful realizations and memories, pretty quickly. Some days it really WAS overwhelming - but pain is not depression. Grieving, sadness, wishing for what was NOT my experience - is not depression. I didn't take any drugs...

so what we did instead was "pace" the work... I wanted to move full-steam ahead to get through... but my T worked with me to slow down enough to fully digest, address, and let go the worst of the pain about even just parts of some pretty difficult realizations. Keeping a journal let me obsess - intellectually and emotionally - as long as I needed to until things started to make sense and (in most cases) didn't hurt as much anymore. I could scream on paper, with worrying about annoying or upsetting anyone else... I could whine the same laments - over & over - until I decided how to move on. And yes, I'd get up in the middle of the night, go to the journal... and only write down a few words! Then, in the morning, I'd pick up that thread of thought from the new perspective. (And this helped me get past the endless "thinking" or obsessing that sometimes prevents sleep).

Hope this helps.

[Ami]

Dear Ales
 I never used drugs BUT I went through very scary feelings. I used God, if you want to put it that way. I could not have done it alone. Also, I had a support system of people I could call when I was hurting and I could be real.
  The feelings of grief, hopelessness, despair that you have when you have an N parent are very,very bad.
     x o x o  Ami

[Nonameanymore]

Hi Ales,

my experience is what most said here in this post - it's because you're working on issues and keep digging, it gets harder.
And yes i had a kicking and screaming experience last night too...
I think it's a matter of finding the right therapist and not going for the pills.
I am on St John's wort and although I know that I have to do something about it and stop taking them, I still feel there's a difference between them and proper meds. My ex fiance and his sister were and still are taking loads of these things - they didn't want to deal with the issues behind their depression so they were taking them. I remember him calling the first few days he took them saying things like 'oh my God, I can't drive I am spaced out' and when I hear these things, I'd rather be depressed you know? I have a thing that I don't like drugs anyway...

I am scared of going into therapy now (which I will have to once some money kicks in because I can't play doctor to myself anymore) and you are brave to do it - have done it in the past, with different therapists but I think when I go now I am going to hit gold, well, at least it will be gold once I am done with the issues. I guess therapy is like peeling an onion - the closer you peel to the core, the stinkier it gets, the harder you cry and ache.


P.

[sKePTiKal]

It doesnt have to be forever.

CB makes a very good point here - and it's one I wish the medical establishment promoted themselves. There ARE times when a temporary assist from a drug is necessary to rebalance the body, brain or emotions... and if additional lifestyle changes are also pursued & maintained, then it's likely that the drug could gradually be reduced/removed from the mix... and STILL leave you in a state of balance.

[CB123]

Ales,

The other thing I was thinking today...sometimes you just need to cry and cry and cry.  I think that therapists are sometimes afraid of strong emotions (heck, I think just about EVERYBODY is afraid of strong emotions!)  Today, my heart ached so that I just cried my guts out, and the whole time I kept soothing myself: its okay, this is only for a short time, this pain is not forever.  The crying helped get the pain out and the soothing made me less afraid to do that. 

Its okay to cry.  There's nothing about it that is dysfunctional and you really wont cry for the rest of your life.  Your life is going to be beautiful and fulfilling and good, Ales.  You just need to finish mourning the expectations of what your life would be so you can throw your arms out to the goodness that your life will be.

Love
CB

[teartracks]

CB,

You're amazing...Good.

And dear Ales, CB is right.  

I not only cried, I wailed and cried, sometimes I wallowed, wailed  and cried in the fetal position.  Now I just cry as the occasion calls for it.

xoxox
tt

  

[HeartofPilgrimage]

CB, when I was doing my first student practicum (doing therapy), I once told my supervisor I was scared of crying along with my patient (don't remember what the issue was now). He just said, "What's wrong with crying with them?" That question stumped me. After that I just made sure I had a box of tissues in the room. I was incredibly blessed to have a wise supervisor that "gave me permission" to cry with my patients right off the bat. Actually, once a therapist gives themselves permission to cry, the urge is not nearly as overwhelming. Sometimes I cry with patients, but am not tempted to just have a cry-fest.

[Ami]

It is nice when people let you cry and are not afraid. My guitar teacher is wonderful that way. He just sits there while I sob--no trying to fix or doing anything other than allowing it.
 It is something really different for me to experience--very powerful.   x o x o   Ami

[Lollie]

Hi, Ales.

I was just re-reading this thread and wanted to pull out this quote:

His response feels like he is walking away from my problems and suggesting medication rather understanding.

I just wanted say that you can have both. Both meds (if you feel okay with it) and the understanding part that comes from talk therapy. Lots of people find the combination of medication and talk to be helpful. It's not really an either/or thing.

I've been thinking about you. How are you getting along?

Lollie.

[Ales2]

Hi- Thanks for the comments everyone.

I am not sure where I am headed right now, but will be ending therapy on tuesday. I don't want medication (I just dont think it will help), talking isn't helping and the expense of therapy has become too much.  It feels a little like I am "quitting" and I have issues around that word.... but I try to remember what someone said that I'm not quitting on myself, just this particular course of help.