This is something I've struggled with, concerning my mother, because in
very brief flashes, she would let me "in" on secrets to her past. The problem was that I was supposed to do the same thing in return, and then she'd use that as ammunition
My mother did have a difficult childhood, that's clear. Her father was (is) emotionally abusive, and was also physically rough with my mother's two brothers. One of her brothers was (still is!) a loose cannon, literally. He'd randomly beat up and threaten my mother and her other brother, and apparently there were quite a few big battles between their father and him.
My mother often sobbed about how her father never accepted her as she was, and would promise me in all sincerity (so it seemed) that she would never, ever repeat the same mistakes. If she did, she made me promise to tell her so that she could recognize them. I remember her doing this from a very young age, definitely when I was 7, and quite often when I was a teenager. I took it to heart and would patiently tell her that she was being unfair sometimes - she would explode and tell me to quit talking back, SHE was the parent.
I was very confused as a child because of this. My mother seemed sincere, and her hurt was very real - and yet she was constantly contradicting herself, saying one thing and then doing the complete opposite. Was I supposed to forgive her because she'd had it so hard? She always asked me to when I got angry at her. "I know I'm not perfect, but I'm learning too! I'm so sorry! Please forgive me!" If I didn't immediately say "I forgive you", she'd get hysterical, only calming down once those three magic words came out. The next day, she'd turn around and attack me again. I can see now after reading a few books that she switched between needing me as a parent then putting me into my place as a helpless, annoying child.
From what I've learned about my grandparents, her stories were true. My grandfather is an angry, nasty man; my grandmother has no separate identity of her own. My brother and I don't know who she is, other than my grandfather's caretaker, and yet we visited her at least once a week every week for twenty years. To us she's simply a sweet, quiet woman who never has an opinion that our grandfather hasn't dictated.
So yes, I think Ns can be truthful, but they don't know how to do it without using it manipulatively. Opening themselves up about their sensitive past means they're temporarily out of control, which frightens them to no end, so they react by seeking ever more extreme control. I'm sorry for what my mother went through as a child, but it doesn't excuse her from parental responsibilities... she chose to have children, we didn't impose ourselves on her like she always made us feel we did.
