Tired and still struggling
Working daily to transform the dark, dark pain and fear instill in me at such a young age.
Digging deeper still, finding great pain and rejection.
Finding such wretched torment and seeing an expectation of such built in.
Very angry, very very angry.
Tired of the extreme struggle and the utter loneliness.
Sweet GS:
This is the point, where more isn't really better - it's just more of the same. You know, where it's the same reason, same brick wall, and the same head beating against it hoping for a different result (relief, comfort, and freedom) from what has - and will always - cause pain. The pain is so excruciatingly real it blots out everything else - like a black hole.
The value of going into the pain, and allowing yourself to really, really feel it is high at the beginning, because it's a way to reclaim a part of your SELF... to grieve and mourn for the very real, significant loss. That value decreases over time, though - eventually you know all there is or that you need to know about that situation, event, feeling, or part of your life. This is a really good tool to use at the beginning of the journey and it takes immense courage and strength to wield this tool. You've mastered it.
Sometimes, one doesn't notice the diminishing returns from a tool or technique. It's always worked in the past, right? So we believe in the power of it and turn to it again and again... but the breakthroughs are smaller or not sufficient or don't fit the different needs of "right now". And so naturally, you're finding this lonlier and feeling more bereft than before - and that becomes an additional source of pain. Maybe it's time to try something DIFFERENT.
I want to suggest something (just a bit) DIFFERENT for you to try.
Each time an old pain comes up for you, take just a few minutes of "time out". Talk to the old pain in the same wise, loving mom-way you talk to your son, when he's frightened, confused, or in pain himself. Soothe the old pain until it drains away with hugs, love, kindness and understanding. Some things might take longer - but each time, always "be there" with the same love - and soon it won't take so long. Give the old pain your full attention during the time out - not in the re-experiencing or reliving of it - but in providing the acceptance, love and caring you needed "once upon a time" NOW.
Doing this, you acknowledge the pain - it's truly real and a part of you - and you respond with the response that it truly deserves (and deserved then, too!!) and you can dissolve the obstacle that the pain itself has become (albeit, it's still a slow process - but relief and comfort are REAL too and have a magical way of accumulating and growing at a faster rate) with the love that exists NOW. It's important in this way of working, to limit the amount of time that you give to it and to do absolutely nothing else while you are doing it. If it seems to be hungry for more time than you've allotted - well, it's up to you; you get to decide how much time you have to give for each occurrance. After a while, you can even negotiate with the pain-body or pain-being-you... sorry, I have to "do this" other thing now; how about we get together at 2? I promise! (and from experience, I can tell you, you'd better keep your promise!!)
I hope I've explained this well enough and haven't left anything important out. I learned to do this, before I remembered that I already knew how to do this - and did it while I was in the "shunned" black hole, so many years ago. Like you've expressed, I was completely exhausted, felt like I was out of options, felt like God - and love, light and comfort - were so far beyond my reach that everything good was being sucked into a black hole vortex so powerful that soon everything would cease to exist. I think it's what people call a "turning point"... where something in our perception, emotions, the very fiber of our being turns away from the pain and darkness toward the light, like a plant leaning away from shade toward the sun.
It's just a law of nature, I think, that we do this. Much love to you sweetie!!
