I'm going back ...

[bearwithme]

Well, I made the decision yesterday to go back to therapy.  My first appointment with a new therapist (only because we moved) is on Thurday afternoon.   I just felt that I need it for many reasons I have not spoken about here but just to give you an idea, I fear that I have pent up anger.  Anger that makes me suffer in silence and frustration that doesn't go away.  I believe that it is leaking out on my daughter and I told myself that I would kill myself before showing anger and frustration like my NM showed me.  My baby is 2 1/2 and I abruptly picked her up and firmly sat her on the chair and yelled "NO!" because she was, well, being a toddler and had been throwing fits all day, etc.  Well, her eyes got really wide and she looked stunned and scared, then she said, "I'm sorry mommy, I wuv you."  I collapsed.  My whole world came crashing down and I can't get over it. I'm evil and a bad mother just like my NM.

I need to heal my anger.  I need to be happy and not feel frustrated in life and take it out on my baby.  I would rather die. 

I hope you don't judge me.

Bear.

[CB123]

No, you are not evil and you are not a bad mother. 

You are new mother, having one of those days that all mothers have and which no one wants to talk about.  Yes, you need help and you need support and you need some perspective.  But you dont need to be labeled--not by yourself or anyone else.

I think therapy is a great idea...but so would a support group be a good idea.  See if you can find a 3D group in your area...MOPS, or La Leche League or a number of others.  Google and see what you find.  If you are unable to get out, there are a number of blogs you can read that will put things in perspective, as well as online chats.  I never took advantage of those when my own kids were small, because I raised them in the pre-internet era.  You will get a lot of strong opinions on such boards (and in 3D) and perhaps some judgements, yes, but that's what life is like.  It will still be good for you to be around other women struggling with the same issues you are.

We are so alone as women when we raise our children.  I dont think it was meant to be that way...please reach out to others (and older women, too, if you can find them).

Much love

CB

[teartracks]

Bear,

Sending hugs to you - and I second CB's suggestion of getting connected to a support group.  I didn't have a support group when I had my young'uns, then later when I developed friendships with other women, I wondered how I ever made it through much of anything without them.  Women friends and their insights rock here and in 3D...

tt

[Logy]

Bear,

Every mother, especially a mother of a toddler, has those moments!  You had a typical day when the toddler was especially demanding and you were probably tired and irritable.  That one moment DOES NOT make you a bad mother!!!  Two points I want to make.  One, you realized your irritation and are resolved to not let it happen again.  Two, one instance like this is not acting like your NM.  It takes a pattern over years of behavior like that and the denial that you behaved that way.

I admire you wanting to go back to therapy and learn to handle those moments.  The support groups mentioned are also helpful.  I was lucky enough to have a coworker and friend who had twins 6 months younger than my daughter.  You better believe we spent hours and hours supporting each other!!!  We couldn't have gotten through it without each others support.

Don't beat yourself up. 

Hugs from a mom of a 23 year old, who is happy and well-adjusted despite those moments she and I had.

Logy

[swimmer]

Bear- 

What an empowering decision to make.  I always feel energized when I discover a plan for a problem to solve.  I'm patting you on the back:)))

I'm working on taking care of myself in front of my toddler.  If I'm fed, hydrated, and organized I'm just much happier.

Everyone has bad days, and anger can be a healthy attempt to establish boundaries.  All families have bad days, weeks or even a bad month etc....  Your daughter will have the gift of seeing a real Mom with feelings just like everyone else.  The cycle of a meltdown (I have a toddler) and recovery/forgiveness will give your daughter a lesson in trust and faith in people. 

I totally understand the.... am I a bad mother?  thing.  If I had a dollar for every time I had that thought, I'd be a billionaire.  I've come to the conclusion, however brief my  thought is about how bad or good I am, I get distracted from my daughter and family.  The first time my daughter teethed I blamed myself for her crying all afternoon, and when I played the tapes again.... I didn't notice a first sign I knew indicate she was teething.  I learned my attention to her was important, and I did know what she needed.  I was being a good mom....(OMG!!)

I'd hate to go on and on.... So I hope this is helping.  I have to remind myself when I get the bad mom talk in my head..... I am NOT her (my NM).  & I didn't do it..... It being crushing my self esteem.  It's a mantra that takes no processing.   

[bearwithme]

Oh, I'm in tears. Swimmer, Logy, tt, & CB:

I did not know that other mom's had days like this with toddlers and also teenagers and that you can actually talk about it this way.  I understand that mothers don't want to bring it up for fear of being judged or labled.  It feels so good to hear I am not alone! 

I am currently in a mom's club but it's funny, the other mom's don't talk about it at all.  I once brought up to the other moms how I do give my ownself a "time out" when my daughter has been really pushing my buttons, by me going in my room and taking 10 deep breaths and closing my eyes then walking over to my daughter with a grin. (I just failed to do it that one day where I yelled at her).  Well, all the moms just looked at me in silence.  Most of these moms are a bit younger than me so I don't know if that has something to do with it but it made me feel like a freak.

Thank you for your support.

I'll take more if you have it!!!

[swimmer]

Yes... I agree here with the support from other moms.  Playgroups are great if you haven't already discovered this outlet.  Childrens museums and playgrounds are great as well.  I'm realizing how totally important it is more than ever to have regular peer contact.  My mother never modeled self care.  Peer commiseration is so important for me, I think to myself... I'm no longer alone in this.  And other people aren't perfect either, or if they seem to be.... I watch what they do and say to learn.

A mouthful I know, but I recognize your pain and want you to know you're not alone.... And not a bad mother.

 

[Lollie]

Bear,

You are not evil and you are not bad. You are a human being. We have all had those moments. And I don't think any mother would judge you for being frustrated or frazzled. God knows being a mom is difficult and frustrating sometimes. And it so easy to beat ourselves up for it b/c we've made promises to ourselves to NEVER act the way our parents did. I found that, especially when my DD was very little, I put this incredible pressure on myself to be the good mother I never had. I promised myself that I would never hurt her feelings. I would never say a harsh word. I would always be patient and understanding. Then when I fell short, I would feel guilty and damaged and screwed up for not measuring up. I would have to be superhuman to make good on all the promises I made to myself about what kind of mother I should be.

I also wanted to say that I totally get what you say about the anger and frustration leaking out. That's one of the reasons I went back to therapy when my daughter was still little. I've found that my anger does have to be felt and placed where it belongs or it ends up coming out sideways and I hurt and confuse the people I love most in the world.

Good luck on Thursday. I think it's a great idea and very brave of you.

[bearwithme]

Lollie, Swimmer an the rest of you.  You have no idea how your words have touched my heart.  You have all been comforting and I no longer feel as "lost" as I did before I posted.  I never realized how being a mother is the best thing in the entire world and such a blessing then to have feelings of failure about it, it is really confusing.   I may be setting my bar too high and that's why I feel like a bad mommy when faced with the tough days and Lord knows, there will be many more tough days to come!

I hope my therapy finds me doing some "right" things and I can reach some goals for a change.  I'd like to think that I can be flexible enough to listen to a 3rd party and relate my actions/feelings appropriately.

Strangely, my focus has now shifted from being the victim of an NM to now working on being the best person to myself and to being the best mom I can be.  Forget about NM! Yay!!!!!

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) to you all!!

Bear

[Twoapenny]

Bear (((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

My whole 'journey' for the last eight years has been to be a better mum to my son.  What you've described is completely normal.  We all lose it sometimes, we all react badly to certain things and there are times when we could definitely do better.  But odd moments of being less than perfect don't make you a bad mum.  A bad mum would have got a thrill out of the control she has over her toddler, or wouldn't even think about how her actions affect her baby.  The face that you identified something that you want to do differently next time and that you're willing to work and do some tough stuff to sort it out shows you are a really, really good mum, not a bad one.

If it's any help at all my parenting has changed a lot over the last eight years and I now feel confident that I can put my hands up and say I am a good mum to my boy.  It's very hard when your own childhood experience is so difficult to deal with.  Having children triggers a lot of old hurt, I found, so you are dealing with the demands of a toddler and trying to sort out your own stuff at the same time.  That's hard!  Try not to beat yourself up about it.  We all make mistakes and we all get it wrong sometimes.  Learning from it is the important bit - and you have shown that.

Hugs to you ((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Twoapenny

[gratitude28]

Bear,
No matter how great a mom you are, you will make mistakes. We are so sensitive to our mistakes b/c of what we have been through. We so badly do not want to be like our NMs. I think I am a great mom. I have made mistakes - like the one you described. I have apologised in any situation where I feel I let my emotions take over. Children understand you can have a rough moment - just like they do. I have told them what I did was wrong, that I love them, and that I made a bad decision. I think this teaches them that it is OK to make an error, and make up for it.
Going bak to therapy IS a great idea. You should work on your anger, so you can be peaceful and enjoy your own wonderful family. We have a chance to do the right thing and not be what our Ns were to us.
Keep being a great mom and please let yourself know that it is ok to not be perfect.
Love, Beth

[bearwithme]

Tap & Gratitude:  I found your words of wisdom really touching.  You both obviously have detailed experience in the trials of motherhood and dealing with the aftermath of NM's at the same time. 

Twoapenny wrote:

Quote
That's hard!  Try not to beat yourself up about it.  We all make mistakes and we all get it wrong sometimes.  Learning from it is the important bit

You know, my NM never learned this. She made so many mistakes but paraded around that she was perfect and blamed everything on my father.  I don't recall her hugging me and saying "sorry" or asking for my forgiveness for anything!!  She would rage and rage on us kids and yank my hair and never feel bad about it (at least it seemed that way to me).  So I hope my daughter can forgive me in those times when I goof up. Although, I would neve yank my child's hair like that!

Gratitude wrote:

Quote
You should work on your anger, so you can be peaceful and enjoy your own wonderful family. We have a chance to do the right thing and not be what our Ns were to us. Keep being a great mom and please let yourself know that it is OK to not be perfect

I hope this therapist gives me some insight as to how my anger works and what exactly is going on.  I've had tremendous success with therapy in the past in dealing with my NM issues but never addressed the residual anger part...if in fact that's what I have.

You all are a blessing to me and I'm so happy to be a part of this board that Dr. Grossman has given us.  It really is helpful to people like me

Bear

[Hopalong]

(((((((((Bear)))))))))))
Self-forgiveness and compassion from you to you!!!!!

I echo Beth's thought about apologizing. (Remember, children of Ns when owning wrongdoing tend to completely melt into a scalding puddle of self-loathing....errrr. So not that. Just an apology. Y'know, calm, limited, grownup...)

I think you model something powerful when you go to a toddler and say,

I'm so sorry I put you down in your chair so HARD. That wasn't fair and I bet it scared you.
Did it scare you?
It scared me too.

Even mommies feel angry sometimes, but that's not your fault.
I made a mistake.
I forgot that when I'm feeling angry, I don't want to grab anyone, or I might accidentally scare them. So instead, I'll take a time-out to feel better.

And then we'll have a big hug and smooch.

Okay with you?

I know your child's very young, but I bet she'd understand enough that you could actually have something resembing this talk...

hugs
Hops

[bearwithme]

Hops: You have the advice as written in the book that I'm reading about children and parenting.  You are good!!  You must know your parenting stuff!

After I had my emotional meltdown, I did go to my baby and give her a big hug and I did apologize.  I rubbed her back and said that I loved her and that mommy was very mad and that I wasn't' being very nice.  I told her I got scared because of her pounding on a plate glass window that is very old and could break (along with her resisting my commands to stop), but that was no reason to grab her and yell.   I think I was angry and scared at the same time.  I explained that it was dangerous to do that, etc. 

Now that I have my therapy appointment set, I feel a bit of relief and look forward to talking with someone to help me with everything I am going through. It's a great feeling to know that there is going to be someone that will listen and understand and ultimately help me. (much like you guys, but a lot more money $$$ )

Bear

[HeartofPilgrimage]

I agree with everything written here already ... it's nice to know there are so many experienced moms to help support one another!