"Earned Secure" Attachment

[sKePTiKal]

From Ann's post:

Here's a bit on "EARNED SECURE":

http://www.daniel-sonkin.com/attachment_psychotherapy.htm

 "Three important findings have emerged from the research in adult attachment.  First, is that the attachment status of a prospective parent will predict the attachment status of their child to that parent: with as high as 80 percent predictability (van Ijzendoorn, 1995). 

Second, although changes over time can influence the attachment status of a child, there is a strong continuity between infant attachment patterns, child and adolescent patterns and adult attachment patterns.  Changes in attachment status can occur in either direction (secure to insecure, insecure to secure), and in fact, the term "earned secure" has been used to describe individuals who experience malevolent parenting (and therefore one would expect an insecure attachment status), but have risen above those experiences and who are assessed as securely attached (Main and Goldwyn, 1993).

However, for the majority of individuals, the manner in which they learned to manage anxiety early on in life will continue unless their circumstances change or other experiences intervene.  For many people, the coping mechanisms may become more sophisticated, but the net result (over-activating or under-activating in the case of insecure attachment, and modulation with secure attachment) will essentially continue. 

Lastly, adults assessed as having an insecure state-of-mind with regard to attachment have greater difficulties in managing the vicissitudes of life generally, and interpersonal relationships specifically, than those assessed as securely attached (Shaver and Mikulincer, 2002). "

So, re: "Earned Secure", I agree with you, Heart.  If one finds relationships that give "security", one can compensate for the insecure attachment experienced in early life.  But, that may be a big "if" in that people who experienced insecure attachments may find it difficult to have a relationship with someone who can give them that compensatory  Earned Security.  For example, an Adult Child (ie: one who is raised by an N or dysfunctional parent) may find it difficult to be open to someone who can provide secure attachment in a relationship because the Adult Child finds the securely attached relationship to be a foreign, unrecognizable entity.  The Adult Child's 'normal' is an insecure attachment relationship.  IMO, this is why Adult Children often find themselves in relationships (love, friendship, work) with Ns & dysfunctionals.  For example, an Adult Children often ask themselves "Am I an N magnet?  Why do I attract Ns & dysfunctional people?"  IMO, Adult Children often "attract" Ns & dysfunctionals because that is their "normal", it's what they're used to & it's the result of their "insecure attachment".  For me, a "healthy relationship" was a rare occurance & a foreign, unrecognizable entity.

However, some children of Ns/dysfunctional parents have had compensatory, secure relationships (& therefore became "earned secure") without consciously seeking it:  ie:  the kind & supportive teacher, minister, family member, neighbor, friend's parent, etc.  I myself did not have this & so at this stage, am consciously working to compensate via re-parenting myself.

How interesting that a prospective parent's attachment might predict a child's attachment style... makes me think that the child learns that style from the parent, but that the child's "self" might have a completely different inclination in attachment style. That would explain "conflict" in oneself about relationships, I guess. And also explain the patterns of behavior in families.

In regards to "security" in relationships... there is a phenomenon that I've been trying "see" better, that is related to attachment. That is where there might be disagreement, a difference of opinion or belief, or a misunderstanding that involves emotional "hurt"... and the point of particular interest for me, is the "making it OK" again. I think the example above called it "modulation" in a secure attachment. I've seen it called "re-establishing equilibrium", too.

When an infant cries... there is some physical need (or perhaps even emotional need) to be addressed, and typically a mother or other caregiver will do so. This external equilibrium input helps the infant learn to do that herself, over time. And I think in all mother-child relationships there will be one-time instances where, for one reason or another, this doesn't work; the equilibrium isn't re-established... yet overall the pattern is there, the expectation is there, and the infant can survive the anomaly without changing attachment styles.

It seems to be (and I'm flat-out guessing here) that when the consistent pattern is to not re-establish equilibrium when the child cries... then the child will learn one of the dysfunctional attachment styles. Avoidant - if crying makes the caregiver angry & frightens the child for having needs, for instance.

What I wonder is, what is it exactly in a relationship that nurtures this "secure" or "earned secure" attachment? Trust? Safety? In that there is an expectation of say - acceptance of self - that is met consistently enough that one "trusts" and relies - is secure in - that relationship. I wonder. Still working this one through, as you can tell. But the key seems to be that modulation or re-establishing equilibrium. An "it's OK" feeling between two people? Is that all it is?

[swimmer]

Interesting topic Pheonix.  I've thought about attachment type theories most of my adult life.  I've learned an individual's primary relationships are so important.  I ponder this almost everyday, as my mother was famous for putting me in my room alone as an infant and toddler.  When I got frustrated as toddlers do, I was put in my room screaming.... I learned to solve problems on my own.  This made for an interesting mix with my personality, as I'm an extrovert (I process best thinking and talking out loud).  I'm getting somewhere:)....... With the article mentioned in your quote, it talked about these  "now moments" I just never had with my mother unless it was on her terms or it was teasing or squashing something , my dad could do this benevolently.  I think these now moments take a bit of letting go and just being and accepting what is in yourself and the other person.  Anyways.... I never remember conversation with my mother, I kind of felt like a fixture....  

I could go on and on and am concerned about hijacking the thread:). This article has strummed one of my chords.  I want to hear more about what others think now:)

[Sealynx]

I've read a great deal about attachment theory and how parental interaction causes problems. I do think it makes great sense. We are plagued by having to learn about life in reverse order. We learned about betrayal and intimidation before we felt what love really was.

I often think about the differences between myself and "normal" people's "attachments" as being similar to two children from different families going to a beautiful beach for the first time. One child has been told all about sharks, stinging fish, undertows and skin cancer. The other child was treated to fun colorful water toys and had a parent who looked out for them rather than using scare tactics.

The first child can never regain her "beach innocence" and probably feels glad to have survived each trip to the beach. She will never know what it is like to feel the initial energy and wonder of an incoming wave without feeling fear.

The second child goes home from the beach in awe, ready to go back and see what other wonders it holds. She retains that innocence throughout life and if she is ever bitten or stung will see it as a chance event that shouldn't stop her from going to the beach. The second child has a resiliency born of untainted positive experiences.

With love and relationships I grew up like the terrorized child, fearing the pain, compromise and disappointment that was always attached to love. From the start I was watchful and always waiting to see if anyone could be "worth" the risk of going in the "water".

[swimmer]

Wow Sealynx, great analogy....

[Logy]

Sealynx,

I do not know anything about attachment theory.  I do understand your analogy.  Brilliant!  Thank you for posting. 

Logy

[teartracks]

Sealynx,

Yes, wonderfully put!

tt

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Sealynx - This is the important part for me, though I liked your analogy, too:

We are plagued by having to learn about life in reverse order. We learned about betrayal and intimidation before we felt what love really was.

I've joked about "getting younger" all the time... and in some ways, I think I unconsciously meant that I was learning those lessons I "should've" learned as a child. In my case, it's a bit confused... because I'm one who did have normal adults in my life - even my Ndad (a classic N) was more normal than my mom; my grandma, neighbors, teachers. I began the process of adopting substitute "moms" before I was out of elementary school.

So my brain is always busy sorting & comparing "Nmoms way" with what I've learned from other people. And if I can't process that fast enough... the tendency is to fall back into "Nmoms" way (because of course of the "safety" factor of not transgressing her penultimate reality that everyone should - but is too stupid/stubborn - to share). The alternate is what I call a brain melt-down - the brain processing falls apart; sometimes resulting in anxiety.

"Nmom's way" usually causes me difficulty with other people and the feedback I've received about that, is that I am being difficult. Sloppy about "my self" and unconscious of my words & actions... is closer to the truth.

I'm starting to see that there's sort of a paradox here. The "lessons" I need to learn aren't "bits of knowledge" - intellectual center stuff. It's not something one can "think" one's way through. The lessons are more related to interpersonal feelings - the "us" place - and emotional intelligence, by which I mean correctly interpreting/understanding/responding to another's feelings. Getting the "us" back to that "it's OK" place, in other words.

This is all subjective, though - my thoughts & understanding. Time for me to go research, I think!

[Sealynx]

PH,

"I'm starting to see that there's sort of a paradox here. The "lessons" I need to learn aren't "bits of knowledge" - intellectual center stuff. It's not something one can "think" one's way through. The lessons are more related to interpersonal feelings - the "us" place - and emotional intelligence, by which I mean correctly interpreting/understanding/responding to another's feelings. Getting the "us" back to that "it's OK" place, in other words."


If thought about this to. We never had "us" to work with, but I also think there is another less obvious component to this that many of us are plagued by and that is the intuition we developed to deal with our parent's volatile natures.  I've been reading a book that really resonates with me because it explains yet another complication to learning things beyond thinking.

Laura Day's How To Rule the World From Your Couch, is the book. The title is a bit out there but the book is actually about intuition, how to know what someone is thinking/feeling and telepathy.  Now psychologists call that magical thinking....and they always tell you to avoid it or validate your thoughts through interaction. However, validating anything directly with an N is not going to work, beside, most of us got constant validation of our intuition! Validation of those bad feelings about what was about to happen filled our childhoods.  So most of us have a well trained intuition always on the lookout for "bad vibes".

What I got from thinking about the book so far are several insights....

1.  Rather than functioning directly and consciously in my interaction with other, I often rely (without thinking) on inner perceptions of their mood which I often wrongly assume is caused by me (N mom training internalized and functioning as a transparent belief). So I can be right about the mood but very wrong about the cause.

2 Often my conversations with others contain defenses based on these unconscious perceptions that can make me hard to get close too and unnerve others.

3. When confronted with an intense emotion I'm not always sure what to do with it. This is because any time I am around people I am either scanning them to see what will happen next or dealing with feelings that are being brought up in me by the non-verbal information I am getting from them.  The jumble of emotions I'm taking in and my responses leads to emotional shutdown.

4. In the book Day is teaching this scanning skill which most people don't have. She issues an important warning that information overload is a big issue and that in order to avoid becoming a punching bag for everyone's moods and feelings you need to fill yourself with YOU. In other words you need to focus most of your time working toward personal goals and pursuing your own agenda.....which is one of the hardest things for most of us to figure out!!!

5. I realized that what I do is use music to fill me up, especially when I find myself attracted t someone and immediately get that hopeless feeling. Getting constant scans of their shifting moods and dealing with my reactions can drive me nuts. I'm amazed by how many brain sync and Hemi-sync CD's I have in my music collect. I always resort to them as a way to drown out and tone down my perceptions when things get to confusing to deal with.

[Portia]

Hi Sealynx

my inituition switch has been activated and rather than remain silent (which I often do), I want to comment on your comments about the book:

in order to avoid becoming a punching bag for everyone's moods and feelings you need to fill yourself with YOU. In other words you need to focus most of your time working toward personal goals and pursuing your own agenda.....which is one of the hardest things for most of us to figure out!!!

This is reasonable advice for little voice 'survivors' and fantastic validation for flaming Ns. In saying this, I probably am working toward personal goals and pursuing my own agenda of course...

I too love your 'beach innocence' analogy.

[Sealynx]

I'm glad PH brought up this topic. There is lots of food for thought here.
S

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Sealynx, this whole topic of the highly-developed intuition and scanning of other people's moods, and of "knowing beyond thinking" about what is going on with other people's moods and thoughts/perceptions ... this is precisely what comes in between me and my husband understanding one another, I think. Things bug the heck out of me (especially about my daughter, and about both his mother and my mother) that he can just ignore. My daughter (due to stuff beyond our control) has some serious emotional issues, and she can be very irritating and upsetting ... and my husband has NO understanding as to why I "let her get to me" so much. It's because of this over-developed intuition. I say over-developed because dadgum it, sometimes it really doesn't matter what the other person's mood or feelings are ... I mean in the sense that it is not really affecting me, it is not making a difference in my life, if I couldn't sense it then it would not make an ounce of difference to me one way or the other. But because I can sense it, it bothers me terribly.

I can't just let it go when my daughter believes that we are getting her a car for her 16th birthday (she believes this DESPITE the fact that both husband and I together sat down with her and explained she is NOT getting a car). My husband says "We've been totally honest with her, we have not led her on about this subject, so I don't care if she continues to tell people she's getting a care. SHE'S the one that's going to be embarrassed when she doesn't get one." But it continues to upset ME. (I don't talk to her any more about it, it would just lead to either an argument or my daughter denying that she has said she's getting a car ... but it still upsets me). I feel responsible if she has a delusional belief and says (to either herself or somebody else) that I am unfair. Now, why is that? I know I have not promised this and yet I dread her feeling betrayed. That is just weird and wrong.

I think this is the source of so much conflict between me and my daughter all her life ... she has serious emotional problems due to her first 14 months being in an orphanage ... and I FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING HER BE DIFFERENT.

Anybody have any suggestions to help me get better in this regard? I am working on "detaching with love" and being non-reactive when my daughter is mean and does the silent treatment, or is in her own little world about what she thinks is going to happen (she acts like she "knows" the future --- for good or for ill --- a lot of the time ... predicting she "knows" she will fail or that she "knows" a certain good thing is going to happen, like she knows she is going to be famous some day ) ... and I CAN"T CHANGE HER. So how do I quit feeling responsible?

[Portia]

HofP

maybe you don't have to quit feeling responsible, maybe you can accept that you feel responsible.

You say you dread her feeling betrayed. 'Dread' seems a passionate word. Can you tell yourself what you mean by this? Don't know if it will help, but there seems a lot of feeling there.

[Sealynx]

HP,
I think Ann makes a good point about the therapy for your daughter. When it comes to self management Day's book recommends that when you intuit information that you have a strong opinion about you should decide what you want to tell that person, and verbally or intuitively send a very clear well worded message to them about what you would like to happen and then let it go.

I think one of the problems with hanging on to what we intuitively pick up is that we are more likely to over-react to the negative thoughts of others which may be fleeting rather than continuous. In other words you may be hyper-sensitive to some of her statements and thoughts making them seem more important and numerous than they are.

She may say she is getting a car and then forget about it, or only say it when she is in earshot of you, because that gets the reaction she is hoping for. Your husband makes a good point when he says that she has been told. I think by constantly trying to make her stop saying she is getting the car, you may be leaving that option open in her mind. In other words, as long as mom bothers to argue about it there must be a chance it could happen.

S

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Hi everybody, everybody that has said therapy would be a good idea ... you are all exactly right and I'm hoping we can make that happen soon. About me saying her beliefs can be "delusional" --- I'm not sure that that is an exaggeration or not. Certainly when we sat her down and were clear that she was not getting a car, she was not embarrassed she got caught saying something she had no basis to believe --- she got angry with us because she was expecting a car! It's kind of like she gets so caught up in what she would like to happen that she can convince herself it really is happening. Another thing was she told one of her grandmothers that she "never rides the bus home anymore --- my friends always bring me home." That had a tiny grain of truth --- on Fridays often she will go home with a friend, go to a basketball game or something, and the friend will bring her home. But four days a week she DOES ride the bus! (Believe me, if she was not on the bus one day, her little brother would be tattling on her about it!).

Sealynx, what you are saying is true ... it's just that recognizing that it's true doesn't seem to make it any easier for me to change the way I think ... I do think that often she is seeking a reaction from me. So I am working on detaching with love and learning to be non-reactive ... a tall order for me.  But absolutely vital to my well being and maybe to hers as well.

When I say "delusional beliefs" I really am referring to some difficulties she has with social reasoning. Her logic often doesn't add up when it comes to social situations --- and I believe that for a teenage girl, driving and a car definitely fall into the social category! In other words, she finds it important from a social standpoint ... and that's the very area that she has difficulty reasoning in.

Portia, dread is a strong word yet it fits. I know it has to do with always thinking ahead, trying to head off some dreaded reaction from my parents ... I am just now in middle adulthood shaking off the deeply entrenched pathways of always seeking to please them. I have come to see clearly that my mother was unpredictable and could turn on me in an instant ... and I think that I am hypervigilant to situations where somebody that I love will be disappointed in me. It feels like I am shriveling up and blowing away ... that may sound stupid to those of you whose parents were obviously abusive ... but I do dread someone who is close to me being disappointed in me.

ann3, it's interesting that you talk about how one of the ways people can overstep their boundaries in a relationship is by playing the martyr after they have received a sincere apology. My mom is such a martyr. Maybe that's why I dread situations where I might disappoint somebody I love --- because in my FOO, such disappointments were never just "let go" --- you kept being punished for them, reminded of them, over and over. Better to enrage somebody than to disappoint them. Kind of goes back to what I realized awhile back --- that in my FOO, not reading minds was the real sin. If you deliberately, head-on, defied somebody else's wishes, that was better than failing to read what they want and meet their unspoken wishes. This sounds so weird but it's the best way I can explain it.

I think I would probably end up "earned secure" if somebody tested me ... but my daughter has some special issues (neurological and emotional) that really challenge me in this area! The neurological part probably drives the emotional part, too ... not only did she have Reactive Attachment Disorder because of the neglect she endured during infancy, but she had a head injury at age 11 that may play into why she has not progressed in social cognition. Yet, to talk to her casually you would never guess she had any "issues" at all ... very much a challenge for this mom (with issues of my own) to cope with well.

[sKePTiKal]

OK, I knew there was a lot of underlying, associated, and divergent paths in this topic! LOL! But I didn't quite expect the wealth of things it would turn up... y'all just keep going! It's all good stuff... and I think this type of discussion can get us down to some basic principles, that we might agree on about this "attachment" topic.

Ann - the "it's OK" space I'm talking about does include the possibility of both of us having our own emotions... and it's still OK. I sort of stumbled on this prior to therapy & Twiggy & all that - but at the time, didn't fully understand what the heck I was "seeing". As a child, in a constantly argumentative, conflicted household... full of power struggle 24/7... I learned (and saw this in other kids, as a parent) that "the end of the world" was a direct consequence of "fighting". If you made Mom mad - bad things would happen and even worse - your "life" (as you knew it) would end. And it didn't help that mom never ever forgot these (otherwise normal) things that she took as a personal insult and justification for Hatfield-McCoy type of lifelong grudge & vendetta.

Very anxiety-provoking... it was a classic case of walking on eggshells.

I guess, my preoccupation with this (ruminating??) is that the "it's OK" space is relatively unfamiliar to me. Where someone else gives me that "it's OK" - settle into equilibrium - no matter what the issue or conflict is. As I said, I sort of stumbled onto this, dealing with my own kids... maybe intuitively "knowing" that they needed this kind of emotional security with at least one person... and stepping up to the task. (and yeah - what a valuable skill that intuition is, that one develops with a mentally ill parent! But I agree - we often make wrong assumptions about the underlying issues & emotions of other people, even if we do sense the "warning signals".)

With my mom - after her version of trying to make things OK required that I deny reality and what happened to me - experienced inwardly as denying a part of myself... I vigorously rejected all her subsequent attempts to "make it OK" out of fear of the personal consequences for me. I guess that makes my attachment style, avoidant.

And I do see it a lot, in my current relationships. I self-soothe by withdrawing - reading, for one example. But it's as if I have a traffic light displayed to those around me: stop - she's not engaging and you need an appointment. This itself, is becoming a problem because a.) it's quiet & peaceful in that place - and it's also lonely... and b.) the people I am around NOW respect boundaries and understand how I need some "downtime" space (even if it's only 5 minutes) to re-center myself. They don't understand my reflex to withdraw/reject when they offer help or assistance with tasks... or are asking for interaction time.

This becomes more evident, when I'm part of a large group of people. I feel I have to give each person all my attention, all at one time. I have to consciously make the effort to let some conversations drift into "background noise"... to throttle back the anxiety that "if I miss something" I'll miss the warning signs that conflict is about to descend into my environment (it's paranoid; I know; irrational fear). And of course, I carry the burden of responsibility, for being "peacemaker"... for heading the situation off and keeping things on an easy, pleasant level. That anxiety, fuels a need to over-process & analyze every bit of sensory and intuition data... and quickly overloads my brain circuits... and cycles back into the very real "need" to withdraw, breathe, and re-center myself. And of course, I'm still working on expressing my needs and meeting them, before things get to that point.

Ironically for me, my life now includes more people, more of the time. So I guess I'm going to have the prime opportunity to work on this (the "fates" seem to love me, this way). After not having a mother most of my life... my MIL will be living with us. I just realized the other day how many personal challenges this is going to bring up for me. She wants to be useful & helpful - she's got that strong maternal instinct - and here I am with a reflex to withdraw and reject that. OY VEY, ya know? But, working this out will be a good thing. It might change this reflex, once & for all. But I still stand by my "some days are better than others" for right now.

Active, open topic for me... a work in progress. I never expected retirement to be so BUSY!!