some more on apologising...
3 types of apology
One: “Yes that happened, I accept my responsibility and I am sorry.” A true apology.
Two: “Well perhaps something like that happened but not as you describe it. I’m sorry you were upset but I was very busy at the time, my health was poor, you don’t know what I had to put up with from your father…..”
“I’m sorry you were upset” is a statement of pity for someone, but it the pity we feel for someone whose suffering has nothing to do with us personally. It is not an apology.
Three: “How dare you say that to me! The things you’re talking about never happened.”
Two and three are refusals to establish what did in fact happen.
About people who use methods two and three: “The fear of losing the picture they have of themselves in the world, their fear of a conscience punishing them for past misdeeds, may be so strong that it makes it impossible for them to take their relationships with other people into consideration. Usually such people do not love their challenger, and so there is no incentive for them to look after the challenger, particularly if doing so would put them at risk. They might profess a love for the challenger and believe that they are telling the truth, but all they ever feel is a mild, sentimental affection, and then only when the challenger pleases them. They might want the challenger to love them, but not at the expense of allowing that person a victory over them.
One of the saddest, hardest things that we have to do is to accept that those people, who in an ideal world would have loved us bountifully simply because we existed, are limited by their own sense of being unloved and by their jealousy, envy and hate – to the extent that they are unable even to know what generosity and compassion are, much less exhibit them….to admit that by unlucky chance we have been born into a family where love is in very short supply, that is a sadness we take to the grave. Difficult though it is, the best we can do is not blame ourselves for being unlovable but to see the situation clearly and do what can be sensibly done to protect ourselves from further hurt.”
