Dealing with N mother when you are staring death in the face

[Overcomer]

Mom went with me to my last oncology appointment.  She had to cancel her meeting (one of several committees she is on....I am sure they were happy to get rid of her, she bogs things down with her ineptness....)

THe surgeon came in and told me how major the surgery would be and how I may not make it off the table, etc.  I couldn't hold back the tears.

Meanwhile she didn't shed a tear.

She seems to be trying but I just cannot get an empathetic vibe from her....

My brother and I are just so frustrated because she just doesn't seem to get it.  She just will not show us unconditional love.  No matter what.

[Ami]

Oh MY GOD. I am so sorry, Kelly.                                                                              Ami

[Overcomer]

I mean, she is just so mad at us because we keep pointing out how part of the family camps at her doorstep and uses her.  She cannot get it. 

She compared her and my dad to my aunt and uncle.

My aunt hates work and her husband does not work and has no income.

She LOVED to work and my dad did not work but had a retirement from the Air Force.

Same?  I think not.  But she does.

[Overcomer]

This is what I posted on Facebook....yes my mother has a FB account and can read it!

For so long I lost myself. I didn't get to be me. I was somebody's daughter or somebody's mother. Courtney told me I am so much more "cool" than I was when she was young. I told her I couldn't be "cool" when they were young, I had to be a parent.

But then I got to thinking about it. I couldn't let my kids trick or treat because what would the other parents think? I couldn't have a glass of wine because what would people think? I couldn't be myself because myself was not acceptable to those people who I allowed to run my life.

When my friends in my home town decided to throw me a benefit, I realized it. These people love me for me. They didn't know me as my parent's daughter. They didn't know me as my children's mother. They knew me back in the day when I was me. The real Kelly. The outgoing, talkative, funny, irreverant, life of the party, crazy, passionate, silly, outspoken girl. The tall girl they called Big Bird. The girl who drove a Pacer. The stupid girl who made oh so many mistakes but they loved me regardless of the bad decisions I made.

For years I felt like I was being held under water and unable to breath. I was only let up for air if I agreed to march to another person's drum.

So now I have cancer and it doesn't look so good. My only hope is a scientific breakthrough, a touch from God, or that the supplements I am taking work. I am taking a load of supplements. The newest thing I am going to try is to take four tablespoons of pureed asparagus twice a day!!

So what would I say to young people starting out? One thing for sure. Be yourself. Be the very best YOU you can be. Do not depend on other people. Strive to be self supporting at a young age. Do not wait for a hand out. Do it yourself. When you make a mistake, learn from it and move on.

Don't abuse drugs and alcohol. Don't eat things that are not good for you. Take time to exercise every single day. Don't live for the approval of people who are incapable of giving it to you. Don't allow people to define who you are. Don't stay in a relationship where you feel you need to walk on eggshells around the other person. Do not allow angry people in your life.

If you have to keep secrets from people then they are probably not the people you need to be around.

If you feel you cannot say the things that are on your mind around certain people than maybe you should not associate with those people.

Choose to be your authentic self. Choose to be the person that God made you to be, not the person that someone else wants you to be.

[Gaining Strength]

Kelly - I am so sorry to read about what you are going through.  You can't help but pray that in this terrible time of struggle that your mother could come out of her narcissism and be a loving, nurturing mother - in your time of need.  That longing is so deep and profound, the very essence of  what it is to be human.

My heart is with you, wishing I could lift the burden from you.  Thank you for sharing your struggles here.  It is a true gift that you would share these wounds and struggle that go to the core of who you are, who we all are.  I am sending you me heartfelt love and hope and peace.

[Meh]

Kelly,

It's very sad that your mother can't give you empathy when you are going through such a huge and fearful event. I hope it goes as smoothly as possible despite your mother.

[Ami]

Check out the book  " There are No Incurable Diseases"  by Dr Richard Schultz.                             Ami 

[swimmer]

Great FB entry!!  Yes, surround yourself with people who can support you and love you with no interference.

[Overcomer]

My friend suggested that book, Ami.  Plus the incurables diet.  Right now I am taking so many supplements that when it is time to eat, I am not hungry.

Funny.  Here is an example of what my mom says.  I tell her that a friend of mine had similar chemo to what I am going to have.  I mentioned how thin that lady is.  Mom said, "Well maybe you will get slim and trim through all this."  And I think I said something sarcastic like, "Yeah, at least I will look good in the casket!"

[ann3]

((((((((((((Kelly))))))))))))))

Wishing you a full recovery.

xoxo,
ann

[Ami]

*I* did the Incurables program so I can help you. I did a 30 day juice fast.                                                     Ami

[Overcomer]

Really?  Tell me more!

[nolongeraslave]

I'm so sorry for all of this! Ugh..talk about a textbook definition of a narcissist. You know your mom is cruel when your own friends act more like a mother than she does.

I wish you good luck and you will be in my prayers.

[Ami]

You CAN heal anything with Dr Schultz  cuz it is all God given natural ways the body can heal. I did not heal  a major issue bit there are tons of people who did written about in there.                  Ami

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((((Kelly))))))))))))))))))
Unfortuantely, I think the only use she will get out of your illness is in telling others about it to garner sympathy for herself. I hope you will really consider cutting her out of your life as much as possible so that you can focus on healing and loving yourself. You do not need any distractions right now.
Love, Beth