Disconcerting Therapy Session

[Twoapenny]

Hi all,

Just got back from a session with my lovely T - we spent the session with her asking me about stuff from when I was a kid - what did I like to eat, what clothes did I wear, what kind of music and so on.  I do find it really odd that I remember so little and I really struggle.  We got through the session on a few bits and bobs that I pulled together (six memories over sixteen years is a bit worrying!) and then right at the end of the session (which was funny considering Worn's recent thread about getting to the nitty gritty right at the end of the session) she asked me a question about my mum's clothes - and I remember everything.  Everything she had in her wardrobe, what she had to wear for certain occasions, her jewellery, her perfume - really clear, very detailed, remember it like it was yesterday.  Just found it so strange that I remember so much of her stuff and hardly anything of my own.  Aarrgghhhh!!  I can see my mum so much more clearly than I can see myself.  It's like I was never there.

[swimmer]

I think this is totally normal....  When I was in therapy, my therapist let memories pop up without asking me questions.  The questions my T asked me were intended to help bring out what I as already talking about.  I personally believe the mind/psyche will not let a person experience painful memories until it's ready.  I think that's why taking it easy and baby steps are so important.   

I think it seems normal you remember so much detail about your mom as opposed to yourself cause she is an N.  NM's train us to forget about ourselves.  There is someone inside though, and it begins with our neverending quest to understand ourselves (defined by participating on this board).

My cousin once said to me in one of my most troubled moments in my 20's.... You do have a center, I know you.  Ever since I've tried to surround myself with people who don't try to make me into something else.

[Sealynx]

Two,
This reminds me of of a transition I've only just begun to make to being fully aware of my appearance. What I looked like just didn't matter to N mom and for years the "little things" like polishing my nails or having the right shoes for a dress, just didn't matter to me. I didn't know they should and certainly didn't understand that other people expected me to think about them! This may sound trivial, but when you extend this behavior over an entire spectrum of appearance related behaviors it adds up. I was so afraid of making a mistake that I always erred on the side of not wearing anything that stood out.

I remember being quizzed constantly about her lipstick and whether it looked good, even as we were preparing to go to my father's funeral. Like you I have no trouble remembering her outfits.

She was always full of comments about my appearance but always suggested that I buy and wear things that looked awful on me, undermining what little self-confidence I had. This kept me in a state of resistance about doing anything at all. My choices were motivated by not giving in to her rather than thinking about what would look best on me. I tended to choose "middle of the road" clothing and accessories because I felt very insecure.

Just yesterday I was thinking about a formal dinner I need to attend...IN JUNE. I was bouncing my choice of dresses off on two of my colleagues and they both said how cute the dress I wanted looked in Periwinkle blue, which is a color I'd worn that day. They urged me to buy it. I liked the blue but didn't feel comfortable being "noticed" that much. I laughed and said I'd probably get the corporate black instead.  Why can't I risk being seen in something really cute? Because I was never seen.

I think  your therapist was right on the mark with those questions. I wish someone would have asked them of me 20 years ago!!

[gratitude28]

I think what we wore and did mattered so little to them... But if your house was like mine, the conversations always revolved around my NMs best looks... Her overbit was sexy... The green dress she wore that was over the top for a function but which made everyone notice her... her yellow bikini... the year she wore a size six... her Jordache jeans...

She clains that I was "hard to fit," but I can only remember two times ever looking for clothes for me. I remember people telling me I dressed funny and feeling bad for me. When I was in high school I got a job at a department store and bought my own clothes.

NM let me dress way sexy through out high school. Then she could call me slutty. Oh, the fun never ended.

I also have very spotty memories of school years. Most that I do have make me cringe. I majorly disassociated at that time and felt I never fit in anywhere.

Love, Beth

[Hopalong]

Wow, Tupp. That is really powerful stuff. When a realization is tied to a sense memory like that...it's really a strong moment. Good for you for going there...
May be time for taking your mother's clothes, in your mind, to the Goodwill. A visualization? You could linger over the items one last time, recognize yes they're lovely clothes, fold them into a bag...and give them AWAAAAAY.

Swimmer thank you for writing this.

You do have a center, I know you.  Ever since I've tried to surround myself with people who don't try to make me into something else.

Sea, periwinkle just began blooming a few days ago in the woods in my back yard. It's not a radical or loud color. It's only beautiful. Maybe you could go to a garden center and get a little potted periwinkle and keep it on your dresser for a couple weeks. Every day it could remind you: I am allowed to enjoy beauty. Even wear it if I want to.

Beth, you fit in the human community just fine. I know you're beautiful. So does Henry. Hope you can enjoy your clothing now. When in doubt, ask Henry what to choose. He has EXCELLENT taste in people. And a nose for beauty. (I like Goodwill hunts because these stores let me experiment with so many colors you never find in a "current" store, which is limited to what's trendy. I need more colors.)

hugs from a woman who's avoiding her work,
Hops