N boss - horrible week

[Logy]

My boss at work is narcissistic.  Everyone else knows this.  They avoid her, they talk about her.  The work situation is complicated - I work on site for a large company who contracted my boss's company to be on site who in turn contracted my company to provide on site support.  I am that third tier support.  So I do not have anyone to go to who has direct responsibility for her actions.  And though my company understands what this person is all about, all they care about is that I make money for my company by being there.

I feel like I am living in a situation just like living with my NM.  I have no control.  I have to adjust to whatever mood the boss is in.  I am never right.  She rants and talks all around the issues with no clear perspective and just focuses and drives home the point out in left field, not paying attention to the home run.  She is never wrong and if you use facts to support your perspective, then you end up paying for it for weeks to come.  And if you are wrong in one instance, then you are wrong ALWAYS!

But she is so clever, trying to pull you in by acting like she cares about you.  I recently felt supported by her so I thanked her for her kindness and gave a tidbit of info about my feelings.  Well, I am paying for it now!  If you divulge any personal information it will come back to haunt you. 

So just when I have a better handle on my past with NM, I am abused by another person with authority.  The only good thing I can see is that, in the past, I would be weeping and feeling like such a pitiful person.  Right now I am just MAD!

[Logy]

Ok.  I'm mad.  But I'm still beating myself up.  WHY?  Because I couldn't be perfect.  I couldn't get her approval.  I couldn't be ok even if I was not perfect.  I couldn't absorb her failings and make them about me and not about her.   

I think I just had an ahaa moment.  It's taking me a while to absorb this.  I keep reading back over what I just wrote. 

Give me a moment.  I am almost breathless right now.

Thanks for letting me work this out.  I need to go think some more. 

[Nonameanymore]

Hi Logy,

For some strange reason, with our past, we do tend to attract work relationships with Ns...I talk from experience. Maybe it's God's way or the Universe's to do a check up on how you're doing with them, how far along you are in the recovery process - information that you can use for yourself too.

Since I discovered M's N, I was given a number of N bosses to deal with...every time I get a softer version, or they tend to annoy me less and less (my latest Nboss in Greece drives everyone absolutely mad but somehow, this one, he doesn't affect me as, let's say, the last Nboss in London)
.
Hang in there, you're doing great. You're a 'graduate' in this, you have been there, so you are in a better position than you think!

P.

[gratitude28]

Logy,
I worked for a woman like that once. I ended up getting pregnant while working there, and she said, "Maybe you'll lose it." I swear. I was her interpreter, and she would make me say things about myself - how awful and stupid and fat I was. It took me years to recover after that job.
Hang in there and know that you are doing the right thing and a good job.
Love, beth

[Gaining Strength]

Logy, I think this is so wretched because it triggers all that unconscious pain from your Nm experiences.

This may not be possible but perhaps you can face it by using it as a tool to help you get to some of the stuff that is repressed.  See it as a healing opportunity rather than as another wounding. It looks to me like you were doing that last night as you wrote and read and reread and let the experience bring your feelings and reactions to the surface.

I encourage you to write about similar experiences or experiences with your mother that this N boss reminds you of.  Keep writing and exploring.  Put it out here or whereever you like to write.

[nolongeraslave]

It sucks big time when you have nobody to complain to, but you have other co-workers that understand and support where you're coming from.  Unlike  growing up with NM, you know you're not alone.

There's a book that says "How to handle difficult people" and bitchy bosses were one of them.  One piece of advice was to do something that N bosses wouldn't expect, like play along saying "Yes, m'aam!" and do a military salute.  The book says the bully won't know what to do with you sucking up to them, because they're so used to everybody hating on them.

The other piece of advice is to use humor like "It's so nice to see you smile today!" (if your boss is frowning and looks angry), but that may backfire.

I haven't tried these things myself, but it may work. N's are pretty dumb when it boils down to it. If you confuse them, they will back off. If they know how to push your buttons and see you upset, they will keep reeling in!

[Logy]

Nolongeraslave,
You are so right about them being bullies. 

I have been relaxing, thinking today.  I think my first plan when I get in Monday morning is to pull the rest of my team (3 others) aside and tell them that we ARE doing a good job, that we are NOT going to be perfect in every instance, and that we are not going to let someone else define who we are as people.  We are going to support each other, communicate with each other, check each other's work, and at the end of the day, walk out knowing we did our best.

btw, I have found that if I compliment my boss's physical appearance, she relaxes and is happy.  "Oh, boss!  I LOVE that jacket."  "I have such dry skin.  How do you make your skin look so good?"  When you open the door to let her talk about her appearance, she could talk all day!!!  (A coworker recently won a $10,000 package to the Superbowl for 4 days, delux accommodations.  Nboss immediately told her "Do not mention this to the rest of the staff.  We are not going to spend all day talking about it."  Coworker said "but she would spend all day talking about her hair".

So, bad week, but I feel more grounded now.  I just needed time away from her.  And that's the problem with having an Nmom or dad.  We don't get that time away to regroup.