unrequited love - why is it so hard?

[bunny]

And one last thing...I've been having dreams this last day or two about being at concerts with the man in question.  I looked up *concerts* in my dream book and there was no entry there.  Does anyone know a place where dream interpretations are discussed or know what a concert image in a dream might mean?

I don't know what kind of concert was in the dream (presumably a rock concert) or what your associations are to concerts. So on one level it's a subjective symbol. On another level I guess is this is about an infantile yearning to be "on stage" with daddy as an audience to your grandiose baby-self, admiring your great performance. In the dream you're also in the audience with the man. I think you also admire your daddy and thought he was larger-than-life.

Just guesses...you can correct me.

bunny

[bunny]

I'm still afraid of that hope, of how I'm going to hold my ground and not open up to having her over tonite. ugh.

I agree with Guest. You're playing games with yourself. There is no point to visits where you say "Come here -- no, go away."

bunny

[Avril]

Thank you, Dawning, for inviting me to write more about my feelings of loss.  I hope it's OK with others too.

I was devastated when my Dad died four and a half years ago.  We were very close, although I knew he always put NMum on a pedestal above all others.  When NMom then informed me she was moving here, I went through all kinds of emotion!  Mostly, I thought "Oh no!! Anything but that."  I had to swiftly get over Dad's death and be ready to deal with NM.  I had no choice in the matter.

I tried to approach the situation positively, and built up my hopes that maybe there was a chance we could develop our relationship - maybe she would become the mother I longed for, instead of a kind of brat kid sister who threw a tantrum and got her own way all the time!  Why did I ever imagine that could happen?!  

I'm a problem-solver and a fixer.  It's inherent in my job, and I think it's part of how I'm made: it's what I do.  So I keep trying to make things better, make things right (whatever that is), do the right thing, etc.  I usually get pretty good results:  I'm just not used to such complete failure.

Bit by bit, as the years have passed, I'm having to aknowledge that this is something I can't fix and never will.  I talk to friends about it and counsellors and psychologists and they say, "Why not try this, or do that."  I don't want to hear that any more - suggestions from people who assume my NM is like a 'normal' person and potentially redeemable.  It gets my hopes up again and again and they're invariably dashed again and again - it's heartbreaking and painful and I'm so tired of it.

So now I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that there is no hope, that she will never change, that she will never be what I need her to be, that I have to get that kind of love elsewhere or do without.  And yet I have to keep on with some semblance of a relationship, because she's my mother.

If she was my job, I would quit; if she was my spouse, I would divorce her; if she was an ill-fitting pair of shoes, I would throw her away!  But I have to keep limping on, blisters and all.  She has no-one else; she's driven them all away; my sister lives on the other side of the world.  I don't want to be responsible for her but I am.

I spent an hour and a half on the phone to my sister this morning (ooh, expensive!!) and (amongst other things) we talked about how false it always feels to have even the simplest conversation with NM.  We can never just relax and be ourselves; you daren't go beyond the most surfacey of small talk, lest it be used against you then or in the future.

When Dad died, I lost both my parents: him and the mother I never had.  Sometimes (like now, after a few glasses of wine and pouring out my heart to strangers around the world) I can hardly bear it.

Sorry my mood is so black tonight.

Thanks for listening.

[JPBill]

I'm still afraid of that hope, of how I'm going to hold my ground and not open up to having her over tonite. ugh.

I agree with Guest. You're playing games with yourself. There is no point to visits where you say "Come here -- no, go away."

bunny

Thankyou Bunny..I have to ask because I want truth in my life..do u mean it seems I'm doing the playing, the come closer, now go away? Or are you seeing what will likely happen, because that's how it has always been, that we start to get close, then she finds something to fear, something to take exception to, and leaves in a fit?

[Discounted Girl]

Avril,

I feel for you -- I lost my Dad 3 and a half years ago and today was an especially sad one for me, missing him more than I have lately. When I woke up I could hear him say to me "Hi sis, how are you -- I sure love you." It's not fair that we got stuck with that old bag. If I could speak with him I would tell him so many things that I held my tongue on for years and years and years and years.

Thank you Avril for writing out your feelings of loss like Dawning suggested. Sharing our pain does seem to help. These sensitive minds of our's bruise easily and require tender care sometimes.

Bit by bit, as the years have passed, I'm having to aknowledge that this is something I can't fix and never will.  I talk to friends about it and counsellors and psychologists and they say, "Why not try this, or do that."  I don't want to hear that any more - suggestions from people who assume my NM is like a 'normal' person and potentially redeemable.  It gets my hopes up again and again and they're invariably dashed again and again - it's heartbreaking and painful and I'm so tired of it.

If she was my job, I would quit; if she was my spouse, I would divorce her; if she was an ill-fitting pair of shoes, I would throw her away!

We can never just relax and be ourselves; you daren't go beyond the most surfacey of small talk, lest it be used against you then or in the future.

When Dad died, I lost both my parents: him and the mother I never had.  Sometimes (like now, after a few glasses of wine and pouring out my heart to strangers around the world) I can hardly bear it. .

Wonderful words there about if she was my spouse, shoes, etc. I know what you mean, but, the way I see it, she discarded me like an old pair of shoes. In fact, discard implies she examined and got to know me first and decided I was not worthy -- that never happened. I was not disregarded, I was Unregarded, as if I was invisible, a non-entity, overlooked and forgotten, except for the times to paint a black picture. When my Dad died I truly became an orphan, just as he was orphaned very early in life, left alone in the world by a deceased mother and a father who abandoned him.

I think I might pour me a glass of wine also on this chilly, windy, autumn evening -- cheers ?