Hi again bunny.
When you're about to addictively pursue the man again, tell yourself, "He isn't my father and that's who I really want." And stop all contact with the ambivalent man. This is very difficult as it is "counter-intuitive" to you,
Ah, yes. Very, very true. I've been repeating this quote all day today. Because what I hold on to in my heart is very similar, if not the same, to the feelings that I still hold for my dad. All the contradictory messages, the insensitivity and the *hope.* Hope is a hard thing to detach from. Hoping that the person who gave you half your DNA will finally *wake up* and realize his responsibilties. But he never will. And I look around and see what appear to be very responsible parents who have raised children who are sure of what they want and don't feel the impulsiveness to deal with their pain in unhealthy ways. Therapy in this city is hard to come by. The last one was more like a drug pusher. 12-step programs don't exist. There is one for sex addicts but I don't think of myself as a sex addict. I don't crave it. I guess if I crave anything, it is sharing my life with a like-minded person who wants to live with me and not contemplate his navel on his own (I seem to meet alot of the spiritual types who are *too young* or *too old* and aren't ready to live with someone.) Sorry, I'm whining now. I never used to think that it was *his loss* - whoever *he* represents - because my father never seemed to feel - and certainly NEVER, EVER expressed - a loss of me. It was almost as if he was happy to have me out of his life. In his twisted mind, he probably confused me with my mother. And my mother treated me as a nuisance when I was growing up unless we were having our picture taken together and then she *looked* full of love which I didn't feel coming from her.
Hi flower. Thanks for your response too.
The way I gave up the hope was to, in my mind, think of them as if they were not there. The relationships were dead anyway. This might be a crummy way to cope, but it worked at the time and I no longer think of the relatives and grieve or think of them much at all. I guess I need to think of the happy times though...maybe that would just stir up the grief though... or maybe not after all these years... just some thoughts...
I admire that you have that much control over your thoughts. What I think I need are more positive activities that stimulate my creativity and get me involved in tapping into my inner self and moving further and further away from the dark shadow of my parents. Whenever I *think* at all, I just immediately go right back into the sense of loss, that there is something wrong with me (and this is very much a self-fulfilling prophecy as I set myself up with the last two persons who broke my heart) by refusing to see their actions as actions that truly, truly hurt me. I did that a little the last time and PTSD was triggered. It was awful. But got me to a place where I remembered the awful things by father did to me. And I wanted to share it with someone - so I reached out - too soon and in the wrong kind of environment.
I kept reaching out to those relatives after they had made it clear by nonresponsiveness that they didn't want to socialize with me.
I am getting to the point where I can truly say that it is *their loss* when this happens. But, goodness me, has it been a long, long road. What I try to remember now is what I learned from these situations/encounters/relationships with mean family members and others. One thing about the *slandering type* that I have learned is to consider the source. Slandering people are usually insecure and do so for selfish reasons. I write alot of hateful stuff - that I don't send to those people (or I voice it out here) but actually saying it is something different. I just get so frustrated sometimes. If I could be as stubborn and persistant about doing what I love as I am about not letting go of *hope* that I will get my childhood needs met, I might still yet be happy. I did find a place to order prozac from the USA and I'm waiting for it to arrive. At this point, I *do* think I need a little help in the form of meds. Just to get my serotonin up a little.
Hi phoenix.
To continue to see him shortchanged myself, and kept him from having whatever it was he felt would be complete in his life.
Thanks for that. Its very beautifully put.
I didn't try to stop the feelings
I understand about the value of this. However, I am such an HSP that oftentimes my feelings overwhelm me and it has been like this most of my life to my detriment and times as I then begin to wallow and become unproductive. I want to express them but in a more, shall we say, controlled way. I'm curious to see if the prozac helps with this.
Thanks also for sharing your other stories. I can imagine how difficult it must have been to walk away. I've never done that. But I know people leave countries b/c of this and fly away.
I also went out on a few dates late last year with a very lonely, divorced older fellow. We had nothing in common. I couldn't imagine living with him. *Total disaster* is right. But now...sometimes the fear of not being looked after really gets to me. More inner child stuff. I think I just need focus.
It has been a long time since I've had that. You can't fake that kind of connection. I hope I will never try to settle again.
I hope you don't either. Having things in common and proper conversations is really important to me. It sad to let go of a love you want to express to someone. And know that you may never, ever see them again. I thought at my age that I would be in a fairly healthy relationships but I'm not.
The image of letting go seems so painful t me. But I don't think one has to let go all at once. I think we can build goals and work towards them and, in that, the letting go happens. In the meantime, I can do things like initiate no contact with the *ambivalent man* and remind myself that it is really my father that I want. I think that will get me to a good place. (((bunny))))
This has been a long one and all over the place. But, again, it helps to voice this whole thing. ((((((((Hugs))))))
And one last thing...I've been having dreams this last day or two about being at concerts with the man in question. I looked up *concerts* in my dream book and there was no entry there. Does anyone know a place where dream interpretations are discussed or know what a concert image in a dream might mean?
