Portia, 'If I'm weak, I'm dead. What's weak? Having any needs whatsoever perhaps, beyond food and water.' I feel like I've been at war with nm since I was very little. I think part of that war was the battle for me to exist. My last T told me at one point that it was ok now to lay my weapons down. But how hard is that! I was born in battle and lived it every day of my life. How can I trust now to leave behind my defenses. I think that's an answer I need to figure out though. Makes me think of the Spartan boys trained in war from an early age. Left to fend for themselves in the wilderness. Some survived, some didn't.
And the swearing thing, love it! I have a bit of a mouth on me, at appropriate times, and I use it to get the anger and frustration I feel, right then, out. Instead of letting it build up. If I can't swear right then I will do it later, alone or with a sympathetic friend. Heheh, I like swearing lol.
Logy, so there has to be an alternative to feeling like a burden or being like nm, right? That the space we reside in is ours and we are entitled to it. That we can have needs and wants. That we can ask others for those and not feel like a burden. I don't know how to do it, but I think 'normies' do it all the time, yes? Thank you for your insight. I hadn't thought of it in terms of me acting like nm or withdrawing, but I think you've hit on something there.
GS, "Going to get the good stuff still causes me panic - flips the You don't deserve - button which in turn triggers anger, frustration and shut down." Yes, exactly! So how do I disconnect that button? Practice and self affirmation perhaps. Reminding myself that that is a dysfunctional button and is no longer useful to me. Don't know, but I'm gonna try.
So I want to practice asking for what I need. I think one place I can do this is with my T. Also I can do this with myself. I tried last night a little bit. I thought to myself, what do I need in my life right now. My immediate internal response was, 'well you need to get off your lazy butt and go get some exercise.' I stopped myself right there. Remembered that there was no 'need to' in my question, just need. So I thought what was behind my above response that I could think of something that I needed. And I thought, 'I need my health.' There was no blame in this statement, unlike the other one. Because there was no blame there was no shame. I DO need my health.
It also changed how I reacted to this. It was very subtle but I didn't feel the anxiety behind knowing that I need something and what I need to do to get that.
So much to think about. Worn
