Repressed emotion and sharper vision

[Twoapenny]

Hi everyone,

I'll try and keep this brief because it's a bit confusing, but basically I've been doing a lot of work in therapy lately on various things, some of which have been really, really difficult.

My T thinks I've blocked out a lot of things, but we're talking about stuff I do remember and slowly it's starting to feel more real.

Something I've noticed is that my actual vision seems sharper.  There's less of a haze around things, I'm recognising people more quickly than I used to (I'm terrible for having a conversation with someone who obviously knows me but I don't remember who they are until two days later) and I just feel like I'm more inside my own head looking out, rather than being outside of it looking over the scene as a whole.

I am liking feeling like this!  I don't feel such a sense of unreality that I used to and I feel much calmer and more connected with people.  I went out for a walk with my son and I was really seeing the detail on trees and flowers, which I don't usually do, it's normally all a bit of a blur.  I just wondered if anyone else has experienced anything like this?

[Sealynx]

When I started to get back in touch with my own life I noticed things like that with visions and especially touch. I know in my case parts of me were hiding, not only from the extremely controlling behavior of my parents when I was a child, but from a world that I didn't fully understand. I'm still going through phases of this.

[Hopalong]

Yes!
What a wonderful description of regaining health, Tupp, thanks.

I believe that the eternal low-level PTSD I carried for so long made things very very fuzzy.

Absentmindedness, a sense of retreat inside my head, blunting of senses.

I do understand this, and I'm so happy for you.

love,
Hops
PS--seems all about the ability to be present.

[Twoapenny]

Hi Sealynx,

Thanks for replying, it's interesting to know that others experience similar things.  I didn't really think that I saw things in a fuzzy way, until just recently when I noticed that colours seemed much brighter and the edges of things seemed sharper?  Spring has arrived, of course, so there is more colour around than there has been but it still seems more noticeable than it has in the past.  I saw an old neighbour of mine last week who I hadn't seen for about ten years.  I recognised him instantly, remembered his wife and children, had a rough idea of how old they must be now and so on.  Often I see people and I know I 'know' them but I can't think where from or how well and it takes days for the penny to drop usually.  It's very odd, but nice that it seems to be lessening.  I hope things carry on getting sharper for you.

Hi Hops,

I think what you said about an ability to be in the present really sums it up - that is how it feels, like I am actually walking along the road and I can see the flowers and hear the birds and smell the rainwater - usually I feel like I am watching someone walk along the road so I don't get the smells and the sounds or the fine detail because I'm focused on the main figure (me), not the surroundings.  It's very odd, I hadn't really noticed how 'normal' that felt for me before.  I also usually have a real worry about how I look from behind when I go anywhere - like would someone walking behind me think I walk funny or I have a big bum or some other negative thought - but I feel like I'm only seeing my actual field of vision - so basically the front of me - rather than this kind of all round sense of every aspect of myself.

I am confusing myself a bit when I write things like this - it feels very 'out there' in terms of ways of thinking.  But oddly I feel much calmer and contented inside than usual, so I think it must be helping.

Thanks for you thoughts, Hops and Sealynx!

[lighter]

I absolutely recognize some of your experience.

Not recognizing familiar faces was extreme for me.... as well as the feeling of urgency that makes it impossible to live in the moment.

I'm glad you're feeling better( (Twoapenny.))

Mo2

[Twoapenny]

Lol, it's all gone again now!  Had a dreadful weekend, panic attacks, couldn't sleep, restless, sickness in the stomach, snappy, irritable, barely left the house!  Went out today and everything's foggy and hazy.  At least I know the good bits are in there though, so it will be back soon, I hope!

[SilverLining]

Hi Penny.  I've had a very similar experience with improving eyesight.  My vision seems to fluctuate with my mental and general physical states.   When I first started consciously working on emotional issues from the FOO, my vision seemed to improve greatly.  I saw things in more detail and with more clarity.  Colors became much sharper.  I'd walk down a familiar street and notice things I had never seen before.  Unfortunately it seems age might be counteracting the improvement

After recognizing the process, it becomes one more way to monitor our actual state of mind. 

[Twoapenny]

Hi Silver,

It's so weird, in the past I'd never have connected a dulling of the other senses with any past trauma but it really does make a difference.  As you say, it adds to your overall level of self awareness so you can tell when something's up.  I know that what's going on with me at the minute means something big is brewing and I'm really scared of what it might be.  But I'm seeing my T weekly and she's lovely, plus my son's acupuncturist told me today she'd be happy to give me some treatment just to relax me a bit so I think I might treat myself.  Hope things are going okay for you at the minute xx

[lighter]

Twoapenny:

It's important to know that the anxiety and depression will end.....

you will feel OK again.

Don't know if you're open to it, but.... meditation is a good way to slow down and get in touch with the present.

Mo2

[Logy]

Twoapenny,

Had to laugh.  Hops called you Tupp.  My maiden name begins with that and it is the nickname of my uncle who died one month ago.  It just felt very familiar.

It also confuses me how I can go from intense connection with the singing birds, the joy of a song that hits my soul, the beauty of the sky.  And then I am smothered in a fog of confusion, the disconnect and pain of humanity.  And when I see my NM take such wonderful care of one of her church members.  And all I can remember is how I lived never knowing if she ever really cared about me. 

[Twoapenny]

Hi Mo2,

I do yoga and I find that really helps.  I do find negative feelings pass pretty quickly these days, I think because now when I feel low I look for the reason - when I was younger I used to try and avoid it so it just got worse.  Slept well last night so feel better this morning - often I think it's the tiredness that makes things seem worse - sleep rocks!  Thanks for your kind words

Hi Logy,

Yep, I like how Hops calls me Tupp, it's cute having a nickname   I know what you mean about that big change between the way you experience things - what I like, though, is that feeling those connections gets me through the times I can't - I know I can do it, it's just finding my way back to it again.  As for your mum taking care of church members - she's not, she's taking care of myself by showing everyone how caring she is.  There's no recognition for mums taking care of their kids - they're expected to do that - so there was no point in her bothering.  Do it for someone in the church though, and you have an entire congregation thinking you are wonderful.  They're crazy people!!