I think I figured something out

[Logy]

Portia,

You're right.  I really must swear more often.   I'm going to practice tonight!!!

The older I get the better I am at finding that middle ground between wilting and being an N.  Still a work in progress but happy with the successes I have occasionally. 

One day, having a conversation with NM and enabling dad, I mentioned I had gone for a pedicure.  I got the sarcastic comment "Well!  You certainly treat YOURSELF well."  I said "If I don't, who will?"   .................Blank stares.  Frozen faces.  Dead silence.  Point made.

Logy

[sKePTiKal]

oooooooooh! Lovely, non-hostile, comeback Worn!! I can never think (in the moment) of those... it's always later - when it's "safer".

BTW - I relate to your battle and war situation. The "old battle axe" kept me hooked into fighting her (and defending against so many other people who weren't "that way", unnecessarily) through my outrage and anger at the preposterously stupid & boundary-intrusive things she would say and do. I felt I had to "prove" over & over that I was stronger than she was....... and I chose to deny my own wants & needs, as the way to prove this. Little did I know then, that's EXACTLY what she wanted in her warped way. It made me "just like her" - a martyr/victim.

One day, I realized that if I just stepped aside when she made her next assault - let it slide right past me - and not fight back... the outrage & anger didn't pop up anymore and I could finally see clearly how it was my participation in this little mind-game that kept me trapped. Now, my non-participation (and lack of expected response) did make her completely frustrated and outraged and angry - but it was pathetic and comical, in a sick sort of way. Believe it or not - she got over it. Took awhile, and she's not completely "house-broken" yet... she's never going to change "her spots"...

The "trick" that gets played in the mind-game with parents, is our participation in the "battle". I don't know what they get out of this; maybe some sort of ego-stroke (pathetic, you know?). And the "fear" that kept me locked in this battle was that "she wouldn't love me anymore". When I realized that this wasn't going to kill me... I was able to realize that I was the powerful one, after all - and not the "helpless victim" locked in a lifelong battle to be seen, heard and appreciated. Other people did that just fine; so what was HER problem??? You know?

[Portia]

GS
The good stuff is all that you as a person need to be happy - a job that brings a sufficient income and personal satisfaction, a home that is comfortable and enough space and amenties to comfort and friends and a social life and all those good things.

OKay GS, I see what you think there.

[Nonameanymore]

GS, I think you summed up my perfect life!

Worn, I think that most of us were raised being told 'not to bother other people'.
It wasn't so much what NM told me, but when NGM had me over (on and off the first 8 years of my life), somehow when I got a little older I was trained to ask her 'Granny, am I being a nice child who doesn't give you trouble?'. Fast forward a few months later and being a child I suppose I was 'lively'. That made my 'Granny' tell me that I have grown into a tyrrant, that I was born to make her suffer and that she reminisces the time I was a well-behaved child. She further told that I 'take pleasure' in seeing her suffer by my mischief (at 5 I think? No, I wasn't Dennis the Menace, don't really think so...)
I was told I was quiet as a baby/toddler too. I remember being left on the potty (I had this wooden chair with a hole that had the plastic potty in it) and people made fun but I was forgotten there, I would fall asleep with elbow on chair, head in hand, then my head would fall and I would wake up and that would amuse NGM and whoever was around...

[Worn]

Thanks PR.    I'm working on it.  Not great at it by any means, but I see improvement.  That is exciting for me. 

Yep GS, the good stuff, so simple.  Yet so hard for us to obtain.

Ugh, Persephone!  Being trained to ask if you were being a good child that didn't cause any trouble.  These N's just piss me off to no end!

My T session is wed. and I feel anxious about it when I think about talking about this subject of asking for the good stuff.  I'm gonna try to push past my safe zones a little on this one.  Getting to the heart of why I feel so worthless.  That's rough territory.  There is pain there and accessing that pain is very hard for me to do in the presence of someone else.  Ties back into asking for attention and comfort.  I was taught I have no right to burden others with any pain I might have. 

This issue is something I have to work on though.  When I came to this realization earlier in the week it just seemed to click.  It seemed 'right'.  It made several puzzle pieces fall into place. 

Looking forward and dreading T this week all at the same time.  Blah, Worn

[Hopalong]

How about thinking to yourself, a little mantra:

T stands for "trust"...

xo, (((Worn)))

Hops

[Worn]

I'm trying it Hops.   

But can you explain what this word trust means?  Oh, I kid.  But it is ever so foreign. 

T is for trust, T is for trust, T is for trust...Worn