Really Struggling at the Minute

[sKePTiKal]

Tup:

What you described about buying a dress to "look right" is something I can really relate to, right now! There are a lot of things all rolled up into that experience, and the letting go of it. It probably deserves it's own thread though. I even dreamed about dresses this morning...

I can also relate to the problem of "resistance" that you're going through - the sort of detached, not quite numb, but also not quite engaged - feeling. I think, for me, I've gotten so attached to my "old comfort zone" identity of who I am, that efforts to alter that in conscious ways actually increase that draggy feeling - as if it were a threat to my very existance, you know? A "don't make me do that"!!! feeling that isn't even conscious, most of the time. My brain knows very well, how energizing and freeing it is, to simply jump of that cliff and start changing me, my definition of "comfort zone", and going about my life differently... but the emotional me still wants guarantees that "everything will be alright", that others will still like me, that I'll still like myself and so it's sort of blackmailing me into hesitating, procrastinating, finding infinitely elaborate excuses. I'm sure there's a technical term for that... I just don't know what it is!! So I call it "resistance". The little kid type of resistance; the "I don't wanna"! for no good reason at all.

If I figure out a way to get past this, I'll be sure to share! Let me know, if you find something that works, too.

[Gaining Strength]

Two a Penny - I find that when I am in a place that I would describe with words similar to those you used that it is because I am on the verge of a breakthrough of some sort.  That space is very uncomfortable like being full with no relief, something akin to constipation. It is unpleasant and it seems to take over all presence, just waiting for it to pass - and it will and you will open up into a helpful insight and it will be a relief.

Thinking of you, encouraging anticipation of something good at the end of this "wall."

[Twoapenny]

Hi Phoenix,

Yep, it's that moving between the new and the old that's difficult.  I find it really hard not to be available for people.  I have two friends who are also going through a hard time at the minute and I am having to really bite my tongue to stop from offering to meet up, help them out, listen etc.  I haven't got enough energy for myself at the minute, let alone any one else.  But old habits die hard.  Something interesting happened today though.  I bumped into my mum's best friend (who I would lay money is an N herself!).  I haven't seen her for about ten years.  We chatted for a while and she sounded so strange to me.  She talked mostly about herself, asked me very little, relayed a description of a TV programme she watched that had no relevance to anything and when a man drove past commented on how miserable he looked.  It was just like listening to my mum - and it sounded so wrong?  I used to have nothing but conversations like that - no connection, no emotion, no passing of thoughts or information, just noise to fill up the time.  It's a bit like eating lettuce when you want a big juicy burger, you know?  So things in my have definitely changed, I'm just not sure how yet!  Will be sure to write up anything that I find helps in case it helps anybody else as well.

Hi Gaining Strength,

Yes, it is like being constipated!  It's just being too full and not being able to get things out, it's all stuck and muddled up.  I think you're right about it coming prior to some sort of big change - I'm just scared it means remembering more and I find that really frightening.  Part of me really wants to - to clean everything out, as it were - the other part just wants to hide.  I'm trying to be 'in the moment' and not think too much about anything, but that's another old habit that's difficult to break!  Thank you for your kind words ()

[Gaining Strength]

Of course you want to hide - because it was and is painful.  But the other side of the coin is that it is currently present and reeking havoc and as it comes to the surface it will give you an opportunity to release it.  It is like taking a wretched medicine because the payoff is so worth it.

I have just discovered Byron Katie's, The Work and am finding it terribly helpful with dealing with these wretched thoughts and memories.
Check it out and see if it speaks to you.
www.thework.com

[seastorm]

Hi Gaining Strength,

I watched a couple of youtube sessions with Byron. She is defineately using Cognitive Behaviour methods like identifying self defeating beliefs and she is combining this with Course of Miracle stuff.  Very interesting. I find the audience reaction kind of curious as there are several people who sort of chortle and laugh derisively at the person in the hot seat.It is like "get over yourself" rather than empathy for their obvious suffering.

I think this is good but could back to kick yourself in the butt and quit being a crybaby therapy. You mentiones that it had helped you a lot and I wonder how it helped you. I agree that the beliefs about life and ourselves that we got from our parents and the scripts we are unconsciously tied to cause havoc in our lives.  Could you let me know more about what you have learned?

Thanks,

Sea storm

[Gaining Strength]

Sea - I am being drawn to Byron Katie because the 4 questions and counters feel like a key to the jail.  I have lived a life of truly severe GAD.  I wake up in anxiety, I walk around in anxiety and I go to sleep in anxiety.  It is so generalized that it attaches to everything.  The sense and expectation of failure and rejection are enormous.  The 4 questions allow me to 1st identify what these feelings are attached to and then to challenge them.

I have been using EFT to great effect but EFT works best when you can identify 1 event and with my GAD the effect has come from chronic stuff.  So I am finding that these 4 questions are providing relief more quickly.

I have only listened to a few of the videos.  I hear the laughter but I attributed it to the irony of Katie's questions or statements rather than derision toward the person.

Most of all I am a firm believer that we each will find different forms of help at different times.  I remember reading about Byron Katie here some time ago.  It did not connect for me then.  But it does now.

Sea - I had to come back to say that it is the 4th question that shifts everything for me.  Once I have answered that 4th question I have suddenly moved into that place where my greatest fears are gone.  Once I have envisioned what it would be like if that "thing" were not true, then immediately I can operate in that place. 

I think the reason this connected with me so strongly is that it fits with beliefs that I have long held but could not fully activate and these questions do the trick.

One of the other things that helps so much is that part of my biggest problem was the double binds that I learned so early on.  Once a mistake was made, no amount of fixing or correcting would do.  That mistake was rubbed in and even moreso if I truly overcame it.  The fear and humiliation and shut down from that has really gripped me lifelong.  To ask and envision what it would be if "it" were not true has become transforming for me.  And if it isn't completely freeing then it is a clue that there is some other unconscious limiting belief present and I can go to work to find it and challenge it.  Thanks for asking.  It has helped me to figure out my reply.

Two - my apologies for veering OT but my appreciation as well.  It is in the dialogue that I truly come to understand who I am.

[Twoapenny]

Thanks for the suggestions re Byron Katie, I had never heard of her so will look her up.

GS, what you said about never being able to fix mistakes really rang true for me.  Something my mum used to do a lot if something in my life went wrong was along the lines of "well it was always clear it was going to but there's no point telling you, you never listen/you're impossible to talk to/you take things the wrong way etc etc.  So if it was wrong not only had everyone else seen it coming (implying it was obvious and you were a bit dim for not noticing) but you were so unapproachable it was impossible to warn you about it or discuss it with you.  I think she left me feeling completely unable to make any kind of decision about anything, and the only alternative is to ask about what to do and then do exactly as she says (which is exactly what my sister does with NM)  Very telling.

And please don't apologise for veering OT, it isn't really as it all connects up and other people's experiences are really helpful, especially if they've already 'done' the bit that you are at, so thank you very much for posting