Hi Hops,
I think what you said about what I'm doing (or how I'm living) being graded really hit home with me. That is how it feels; how I'm going to be marked based on what I do and how available I am for people. I realised yesterday that I am starting to put myself first and I think it is that that feels so uncomfortable. I went shopping for a new dress at the weekend to wear to a do I'm going to next week. I got really agitated and low in the afternoon and I realised that, not only do I not want to go to the do itself, I'm only buying a new dress for it so that I look 'right' amongst everyone else. This is what I don't want to do any more. When people invite me places I don't wonder about whether or not I'd like to go, I worry about how they'd feel if I said no. I need to work on this more. On a positive note, I did ring up about an evening class I want to do - they don't book places until next month so it's not definite yet but hopefully I can get on it and start doing something I like. Thank you (())
Hi Sea,
I like what you wrote about the Tree of Life. I think that loneliness you talk about is where I've been for a long time. I knew what I didn't want but hadn't figured out what I did want. I think I've been stuck in no-man's land for a while. I think it's starting to shift. I just feel so foggy headed. My T thinks I might be fighting old memories that are coming up. She might be right. Perhaps as I get more secure in my new life I will be able to handle the more difficult bits of my old one. I don't want to stay stuck where I am. Thank you for what you wrote (())
Hi Sealynx,
There's a lot of bits of the old me that I don't like at all. I have a lot of friends who really like those old bits. I feel almost like I tricked people, by pretending to be someone I wasn't. I don't want to go back to that. So I understand what you say about having an aversion to the past. I really want my son to be proud of me. I'm so ashamed of my mum and so embarassed that I'm related to her, and that people know she's my mum. I don't want my son to be like that about me. That's one of the reasons I really want to work on this now and make myself someone that we can both be proud of. (())
Hi Persephone,
I am keeping on keeping on! Someone asked me today if I shouldn't stop therapy for a while because it's just so painful. I said no. It hurts all the time, just sometimes it's buried and sometimes it's on the surface. I want it out, dealt with, expressed, moved past and relegated to the 'that happened at some point but it's not a problem for me anymore' category. I don't want those people to be part of me forever, I feel like bits of them are in me and I hate that. I don't want what they did to shape me, I want to shape myself, and re-shape myself if necessary! So I will keep going. I hope things are going better for you at the minute. Thank you (())
Hi Butterfly,
Yes, reactions from friends can be really difficult to manage! I told a lot of things to one friend of mine today who was great about it all. Other friends just don't call if they know I'm struggling - they go quiet until things improve and then they don't have to deal with me, as it were. It's just sorting through, I suppose, and seeing which ones don't mind who you are or what you do!(())
Hi Mo2,
i do write down the big bits. Sometimes reading it back is hard. I had some very vivid memories last week and I've gone numb since then. This is why my T thinks I'm pushing it back down again, it's just too hard to cope with. But I keep writing bits down, I think it will come with time. Thank you (())
Hi Swimmer,
I've found a lot of friendships stopped on their own when I stopped making the effort to ring or visit. Without me doing the work there wasn't much there. I think that says a lot! Thanks for your thoughts (())
Hi Worn,
Yes, I feel like I exist from one T session to another at the minute! I'm phoning in between at the minute as well, she's great and it's amazing how just five minutes on the phone with her can really help me to put things into perspective a little bit and connect the dots as well. well done on passing your course!! (())
Thank you, everyone, for everything you've written, it's really helped a lot. Thank you xxxxxxxxx