Really Struggling at the Minute

[Twoapenny]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to post because I am really struggling at the minute.  We are dragging up some old, deep, very nasty stuff in therapy and the way it is making me feel is really difficult to handle.

I am doing all the stuff I ought to - yoga, walking, reading, eating right and letting it all out.  I know it will pass - I've been in worse places than this and I always get out the other side.  I think I have a concrete core somewhere in there!  But sometimes I wish I could just take a pill that would magically repair me.  My little boy has a puzzle that the rabbit nibbled the edges of.  The pieces still go together but they don't quite fit and there are little cracks.  I feel a bit like that - I do all this work to put all the pieces back together but the effort of keeping them there is too much sometimes and they start to move and drift off again.

I feel like I am on the wrong path with my life and that it requires an enormous about turn to get on the right one, rather than just a little side step.  It scares me, even though I want it.  I feel like I'm on the path my parents set for me - directly and indirectly - and I want to get on to my own.  It means leaving behind a lot of people and a lot of old habits and behaviours - and ways of thinking.  it means being really brave and telling my friends that I don't actually like the things I do with them, even though I've done them for years.  It means I need to admit that I'd rather eat mung beans than go to Starbucks and I'd rather spend the weekend at a craft fair then shopping for new clothes.  I'd rather go and see a play then go out and get drunk and I'd rather stay home and read a book than watch soaps on TV.  It feels like a big step to make. 

Thanks for reading and for letting me post.  I hope everyone else is doing okay at the moment.

Love to all,

Twoapenny xx

[BonesMS]

((((((((((((((((((((((TwoAPenny))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

If anyone deserves to be honored on Mother's Day, it is YOU!  You've earned it!

Bones

[sKePTiKal]

Aw Tup... it will get easier! Hang in there.

Something that worked for me, tho' I continue to refine it, is the idea that there is a prerequisite for letting go of the "old" - and that's figuring out and at least starting to incorporate - the "new". What do I want? When do I want to do it? In what order? It sounds like you've got that part already.

But it's not a day/night or B/W change, I find. There's still some "old" hanging around while I test the waters - and see if the new's all what I expected/hoped it would be. For reassurance, I keep telling myself - well self, you can always change your mind later!!!

The new piece I'm working on is my silly idea that change has to be dramatic, huge, all-encompassing - i.e, some major shift in being or habit or thinking or whatever - to be REAL change. That's just nuts for me - too big to do all at once usually overwhelms me with juggling so many things at one time. But if I shrink it down to little things - like this month, I'm trying to cook healthy rice at least once a week (mostly 'coz hubby isn't used to eating it; taking it easy on him too) and once a week collecting and clearing the piles of paper & magazines from all the flat surfaces in one section of the house... the emotional me doesn't freak out & resort to all the "old" stuff.

Also... rewards for ANY level of change are important for me. It's something my T and I talked about a lot, in connection with not smoking. Now, that sounds really easy - but for me, it's just NOT. In fact, I've been working on this one for YEARS now and I'm only just figuring out what rewards satisfy my long-denied wants or needs. Those rewards are very much different than I envisioned a while ago. I thought I knew what I wanted; I was wrong - or only partially right - or didn't even understand what it was about the rewards that I connected with. And then, too - I think some of those things are "moving targets". As I keep healing, what I want, the "reward" I pick... changes. That's not a bad thing, when it's all said and done.

For me, the key was that no matter how well I did - there was never a pat on the back, a hug, never a chance to celebrate life's little victories and in fact, I was taught that was somehow a "bad" thing. And of course, when you don't learn that it's OK to celebrate - you also don't learn where the limits of celebrating are, either. PISH POSH!!! It's total crap. But finding the "undo" for each of these is intricate and sometimes even tedious work.

[Twoapenny]

Thank you Bonesie, one big hug right back at you ((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Hi Phoenix,

So much of what you said resonated with me.  I think where I've struggled for so long is simply having no idea who I am, what I like or what I want.  I have spent my entire life pleasing others, and not in the sense of consciously putting myself aside to look after their needs but to the extent that I simply didn't exist in my own right at all - my focus was always on doing/saying/responding the way that I knew other people wanted me to.  I've always hated the idea of being unpopular, but oddly feel terribly unpopular now because I don't actually have any friends.  I think over the last few years I've been able to separate the two people - the private and the public me.  So the public me has lots of friends but the real me has none because no-one knows me - even I don't know me!

I'm trying really hard to just feel - just be in the moment and ask myself "am I enjoying this?"  I'm finding my inclinations are much more towards things that are natural and cultural.  An evening at a play in a park sounds much more me than a night at a club, but the public me would always opt for the club and go out and get wasted.

I think you're right to take small steps.  I'm doing the same.  I'm putting boundaries up so that I don't keep letting people treat me badly.  I've been looking on the internet at adult education courses and trying to look at things just because they sound interesting, rather than because they are going to lead to a job or have some other sort of material purpose.  I feel that I want to take up something sporty, like running - something out in the fresh air, pounding away the tension, putting some actual and metaphysical space between me and 'others'.  I feel calmer as the day is moving on but so tired!  It's hard to believe that mental/emotional work can be this draining!  I feel like I've never slept.

Thanks to you and Bonesie for your responses,

Love Twoapenny xx

[Hopalong]

Hi Tupp,
I think you're attracted to a good life. An interesting and more fulfilling one. You're challenging the culture you've spent a lot of time in...looking at bits of it you don't want to stay with on autopilot any more.

That's really a wonderful thing to be doing. It's scary and sometimes lonely, when you figure out that conforming is becoming uncomfortable. But as you also identified all these healthier more interesting pursuits--remember there are good people who share those interests, who are as NEW to them as you are.

It's the identity piece...again, I think our culture works in labels.

What if you don't really owe anyone a tidy capsulized summary of "who you are"? What if it's okay to do things you want to do in small steps and celebrate those, as PR says? What if it's okay to go around full of questions?

We're made to be inquisitive, curious, and never stop learning. You also sound grateful that you've somehow been reminded of this, and you're having a surge of learning and growth. Maybe it's a reflection of healing. And for so long, you were too distracted by self-defense to explore.

Remember that your life, and your identity, are not homework assignments. You are not going to be graded.

hugs
Hops

[seastorm]

 Dear Tups,

How brave you are to consciously try to change the old patterns and discover yourself. There is a place in the Tree of Life based on the Kabbala that describes this as crossing the abyss. We enter this place through our deepest wounds.  This shakes the tree of life. This is very big medicine and an heroic journey. Through this place hold on to what you believe is true and good, watch for signs from nature, and you will move through. It is a lonely trip at times as all change creates a sense of loss of self.

I know what this is like. When I decided to jetison my Npartner and stop hanging out with Nfriends and make my life appropriate to who I really am, it was very lonely. I set boundaries and this caused people who did not like it to leave my life. When I went to things I like ie. A workshop by a Budhist monk on how to handle anger, I met a couple of new friends who were as isolated as I was and now we are friends.  This group also likes to sing blues and ragtime so that opened up too.
But I would not underestimate how lonely and scarey it was for a long time before I started to get out and do what I loved. Loneliness can feel so undermining and like the pieces don't fit and  like one is an outcast. The outcast business is very powerful and seems to unlock ancient biochemical stuff that makes us panic if we arent part of the herd or the group.

You sound very wise about the way you are going about this. Take care of yourself through exercise and yoga, reaching out for help here, realizing that things need to change and by golly you are going to make that happen even if it is scarey and foreign and new.

Blessings and celebrate being a mom. This is the best thing you can do ( finding yourself and manifesting who you really are) for your children.

I hope you post more about this journey. It reminds me to stay true to myself and through that true to others.

Love,
 
Sea storm

[Sealynx]

Twoapenny,
Like you I felt very lost the "first" time I realized that I had to give up my current life. I had to let go of my college boyfriend and almost everyone I knew and face the world alone with no clue how to live in it. I was supposed to marry him and live happy every after. He was my parents perfect choice!

Then about ten years later I realized that many of my friends had simply stopped growing and I was bored silly by their insistence that I not change in any way. I had to again walk off alone. I made new friends over time and realized that many of the old people had major problems.

Then Katrina came and I found myself alone and 45 miles from easy access to old friends and habits. I haven't made enough new friends to feel comfortable here, but the good news is that I no longer fear and starting over, in fact I've developed a kind of aversion to the past. It is full of old versions of "me" that I don't miss at all. It is like a junk yard of costumes

I think it was in my N's best interest for me to have only one unyielding view of myself. It was one that fit their needs and many of my other selves that were created for other people were just as unyielding. Every time I broke a "mold" I was a little freer to create something adaptable. I still have a lot of "set" pieces, but I am much more able to remake myself to my own needs of the moment now. 
S

[Nonameanymore]

Hi TaP,

Renouncing your old life and ways it's tough. I am going through one those myself.
Only piece of advice I have is KEEP GOING!!!

Love
P xxx

[seastorm]

Twoapenny,

I have done this a few times too. There is no choice but to go forward. Going back is too dark.

Sea storm

[Butterfly]

Sealynx wrote:  "I've developed a kind of aversion to the past. It is full of old versions of "me" that I don't miss at all. It is like a junk yard of costumes"

Wow, this really resonated with me.  Those "old versions" weren't me at all - just a facsimile of myself living in NM's world.  Now, I am trying to learn who I really am, and sometimes I miss aspects of who I was.  Strange - I guess I miss the familiarity of my old self but not the substance of my old self.  To learn about myself post N, I have had to "walk naked in the desert" without the costumes.  Hard, but not impossible. 

ToP - As for telling friends what you like to do, I agree that it is difficult to do.  But, to see how shocked and surprised they are when you say you don't like what you have been doing, the reactions can be from one extreme to the other.  From disbelief to nastiness.  From "What do you mean you don't like Mexican food--we've been going to _____ for years!!" to "I don't care if you don't like it, we're going anyway."  Amazing who I use to call a "friend." 

Good luck with your journey! 

[lighter]

(((Tup)))

I so identify with your post at this time.

I keep telling myself and I need to begin journaling again, and I will.

Do you keep a journal with all the important stuff?

I find I can't keep all the important stuff clear and up front if I don't wrire it down and review it.

Mo2

[swimmer]

I can relate as well.... There are a few friends which are turning into (I'm carefully steering this process), more social acquaintances now.  I don't want to cut these people out of my life completely.... However something must change, as I don't like what these people represent.  I don't want my daughter to have these influences (Basically needy, self absorbed irresponsible).  This is short I swear:)....  It would be uncomfortable to not be cordial or kind, as my social life will cross paths again with these people.

Hope that makes sense.  When my life shifts in a different direction, the friends who are overtly not supportive, I let the connection grow away.  There is a moment of nostalgia and even meloncholy... But over the years I see more and more this is natural.  There is a silence and space for new beginings and connections.
 

[Worn]

((((((((((Tupp))))))))))

"My little boy has a puzzle that the rabbit nibbled the edges of.  The pieces still go together but they don't quite fit and there are little cracks.  I feel a bit like that - I do all this work to put all the pieces back together but the effort of keeping them there is too much sometimes and they start to move and drift off again.
"

What a great description!  If it helps to know you're not the only one, I'm right there with you.  Lately I've been feeling like I just hold on to the pieces and try to make some sense of them between T sessions.  New pieces keep coming up and I have to readjust the picture to fit those in.  Fragmented is the word I suppose. 

Wishing you peace of mind, Worn

[Twoapenny]

Thank you, everybody, for all of your kind words and your responses.

I can't really describe how I feel at the minute.  It's like I've hit a brick wall.  I don't feel depressed or numb, or anxious or 'manic' (when I've a lot on my mind I often get very 'busy' and run around like a lunatic bothering everybody).  I ache all over and I feel completely dead inside my mind, like nothing in there is working or doing anything.  I'm still doing my day to day stuff, I don't feel like my mood is low, it's like I've run out of petrol and I just can't do any more.

I will reply to everyone individually but right now am going to get into my PJs and curl up on the sofa.  Thank you to everybody, hope everyone else is doing okay and talk soon xxx

[Twoapenny]

Hi Hops,

I think what you said about what I'm doing (or how I'm living) being graded really hit home with me.  That is how it feels; how I'm going to be marked based on what I do and how available I am for people.  I realised yesterday that I am starting to put myself first and I think it is that that feels so uncomfortable.  I went shopping for a new dress at the weekend to wear to a do I'm going to next week.  I got really agitated and low in the afternoon and I realised that, not only do I not want to go to the do itself, I'm only buying a new dress for it so that I look 'right' amongst everyone else.  This is what I don't want to do any more.  When people invite me places I don't wonder about whether or not I'd like to go, I worry about how they'd feel if I said no.  I need to work on this more.  On a positive note, I did ring up about an evening class I want to do - they don't book places until next month so it's not definite yet but hopefully I can get on it and start doing something I like.  Thank you (())

Hi Sea,

I like what you wrote about the Tree of Life.  I think that loneliness you talk about is where I've been for a long time.  I knew what I didn't want but hadn't figured out what I did want.  I think I've been stuck in no-man's land for a while.  I think it's starting to shift.  I just feel so foggy headed.  My T thinks I might be fighting old memories that are coming up.  She might be right.  Perhaps as I get more secure in my new life I will be able to handle the more difficult bits of my old one.  I don't want to stay stuck where I am.  Thank you for what you wrote (())

Hi Sealynx,

There's a lot of bits of the old me that I don't like at all.  I have a lot of friends who really like those old bits.  I feel almost like I tricked people, by pretending to be someone I wasn't.  I don't want to go back to that.  So I understand what you say about having an aversion to the past.  I really want my son to be proud of me.  I'm so ashamed of my mum and so embarassed that I'm related to her, and that people know she's my mum.  I don't want my son to be like that about me.  That's one of the reasons I really want to work on this now and make myself someone that we can both be proud of.  (())

Hi Persephone,

I am keeping on keeping on!  Someone asked me today if I shouldn't stop therapy for a while because it's just so painful.  I said no.  It hurts all the time, just sometimes it's buried and sometimes it's on the surface.  I want it out, dealt with, expressed, moved past and relegated to the 'that happened at some point but it's not a problem for me anymore' category.  I don't want those people to be part of me forever, I feel like bits of them are in me and I hate that.  I don't want what they did to shape me, I want to shape myself, and re-shape myself if necessary!  So I will keep going.  I hope things are going better for you at the minute.  Thank you (())

Hi Butterfly,

Yes, reactions from friends can be really difficult to manage!  I told a lot of things to one friend of mine today who was great about it all.  Other friends just don't call if they know I'm struggling - they go quiet until things improve and then they don't have to deal with me, as it were.  It's just sorting through, I suppose, and seeing which ones don't mind who you are or what you do!(())

Hi Mo2,

i do write down the big bits.  Sometimes reading it back is hard.  I had some very vivid memories last week and I've gone numb since then.  This is why my T thinks I'm pushing it back down again, it's just too hard to cope with.  But I keep writing bits down, I think it will come with time.  Thank you (())

Hi Swimmer,

I've found a lot of friendships stopped on their own when I stopped making the effort to ring or visit.  Without me doing the work there wasn't much there.  I think that says a lot!  Thanks for your thoughts (())

Hi Worn,

Yes, I feel like I exist from one T session to another at the minute!  I'm phoning in between at the minute as well, she's great and it's amazing how just five minutes on the phone with her can really help me to put things into perspective a little bit and connect the dots as well.  well done on passing your course!! (())

Thank you, everyone, for everything you've written, it's really helped a lot.  Thank you xxxxxxxxx