Giving good advice is not a prerequisite for posting! (Thankfully!!)
I know I've been 100% wrong, sometimes.
And yes, several of us deal with anxiety - mine was so intense at one point I had a panic attack. I think after awhile, you'll notice that there are some symptoms that cross lines of "diagnosis explanation"... a symptom/affliction all by itself doesn't necessarily mean you absolutely "fit" into some predetermined label. On the other hand, I know first-hand how important it is to have those big, non-verbalized questions about ourselves answered - I really didn't care what it was, as long as I could finally KNOW what had happened to me, why I was the way I am.
Memory blanks... well, that by itself kind of makes one nervous, doesn't it? Who knows what lurks in those blank spaces? And memories are so elusive... the harder you try to remember, the more the memory seems to slip away. I found I had to learn to relax - intentionally - before I could start approaching those memories and "bring something back" to work with. Like when you get "stuck" for a word - you know what it is - but it just won't pop up in your mind. My latest one of those was "Esther Williams". I was trying to describe my new bathing suit, and it just kept eluding me; finally I asked my daughter and she knew right away. What a relief!
Seriously, I know how troubling it can be to not remember. I have the ability to remember all kinds of sensory info in conjunction with events - almost a photgraphic memory. Yet there was a distinct place in my chronology of a set of events where the memory screen just went blank; it picked up later on - and again, I could fill in a lot of background details. Something you have to ask yourself, is just how important is it to you, to remember? What do you think remembering will gain you? And if you decide to pursue that, I'd advise you to find yourself a gentle, trusted guide - someone to be with you and help you process the bits & pieces that might come back to you, slowly or in a flooding torrent. It's quite frightening to do this all alone; my actual "remembering" was solo - and then I'd report and discuss with my T. There were times I overwhelmed her, I think. Also, the brain has a tendency to "fill in the gaps" - to leap to conclusions that may/may not be accurate. It's easy to build a narrative memory or stream of cause/effect/facts that is a total fairy tale from a meager set of facts. The talking heads on TV do that all the time! So those kinds of things need to be set in context with feelings, other memories, and tested & retested & assumptions checked repeatedly... and having a partner or guide, in the form of T is, to my way of thinking, the safest way to do this.
For me, this became an all-engrossing, obsessive crusade. It took years. Fortunately, I was able to devote that kind of time to that "project". Not everyone can. And in the end, there are still places where the screen is blank and "memories" that I'm still not sure about; not sure they're 100% true the way I have them arranged in my mind. I can live with not knowing those bits, now... because I do have enough to explain to myself, why I am the way I am... and with the fact that many of my assumptions or things I thought I knew about myself were all wrong.
Maybe instead of starting with "giving good advice", you could simply start writing out what you do remember on the Members Stories page? That's kind of an online journal, and people are supposed to not respond there, though sometimes people just have to say something and it will go on the main discussion board. I found that the more I wrote - the more I remembered. There was something about the eye/hand connection that worked with my brain... and I still get a few details of things floating to the surface from time to time. For me, it flowed better with pencil & paper. It had to be pencil - but it could just as well have been crayon. Last count, I have 16 journals; a lot of revisiting the same events, same feelings, the same whining, wailing laments that I didn't want to inflict on other people - but on a regular basis, some "theme" in that stream of consciousness scribbling would start to emerge... and then I'd come here to describe it and ask for help understanding, or support when it knocked me for a loop, or sent me headfirst into despair. OH YES - and then there were the triumphant "I GOT IT"s, too.
In the process - I guess I've been posting here about 5 years - I've made a lot of friends. People who "know" what it's like to make this kind of journey, are willing to walk along side and keep you company; willing to offer encouragement, caring and support. In a way, I think the board was just as, if not MORE important to my healing - digging out the memories, processing that "new" information about myself, learning to adjust what I knew about myself... and learning to trust others and in the process, trust myself - the board was equally as important as the work I did in therapy. For me, it provided a safe place to learn the tools I needed to rise from the ashes, to be able to connect to people again, and to "go forth and conquer" (well, sort of....)!
So, lean on us. Tell us about yourself. You've posted before and I recognized you and am curious to get to know you better. I remembered you have a son; are you currently married? How close are you with your parents? Do you have siblings?
Bring problems or questions or just babble - as I'm so wont to do, like now!!!!!! It's all good.
