O.M.G. I think NM is faking terminal cancer!

[JustKathy]

This is really long, but if I'm right about this, man, this is just so whack.

Last year, I think around June, my father called me in tears to tell me that my NM had inoperable lung cancer, and only a month to live. If they were really lucky, she might hang on six months until Christmas, but it wasn't likely.

This was followed by a series of manipulations and high drama. My father begged me to send M a card, which I grudgingly did just to please him. This was followed by NM sending me about $75 worth of costume jewelry with a letter telling me that I was her favorite child, and that she wanted me to have her precious jewelry, yada yada. When she didn’t get a response from that, I got another letter, this time with a check for $1000 in it, and a story about how she had sold off her beloved antique doll collection because she wanted me to have the money (nice try, but my dumbass father had already spilled the beans and told me that I had been removed from the will at HER insistence).

Then she supposedly had chemo, and F marveled at how well it went. She didn't get tired, not even the slightest bit nauseous. "Your mother is an amazing woman." Hmmm . . .

Fast forward to Christmas, when she should have already been dead. My brother, the GC and sole heir, blew off my mother's "last Christmas" to go on vacation with his N wife. Then my cousin (the son of NM's sister), got married. He (cousin) told me that my mother was miraculously well enough to travel for the wedding, but that she was insanely jealous of the attention he was getting. When I asked him what he knew of NM's cancer, he told me only that my Aunt (his mother), who is a doctor, said that M was behaving like a "drama queen." My Aunt has always known that something was mentally "off" with my mother, but she's also a very sympathetic and caring woman. If my mother had been on her deathbed, my Aunt would NOT have dismissed her as a drama queen. That was the biggest red flag of all.

Since Christmas, my father has called numerous times, yammering into the machine about the weather, his golf game, wine tasting trips, but has not once mentioned how my mother is doing. His entire world revolves around her, which tells me she's doing fine.

Then the light bulb went off last night. All this time, I've been assuming that NM really was dying, because my father was there to hear the diagnosis, and he wouldn’t lie. Then it hit me: HE WASN'T THERE. All her life, M has insisted that my father was a hypochondriac who would hijack her doctor appointments, so she always went in alone and insisted that he wait in the lobby. I'll bet that she made him wait outside this time too, so he never heard the actual diagnosis straight from the doctor's mouth.

What I'm now thinking is that M probably does have cancer, but has a good, long-term prognosis. But the drama queen has emerged because she needs the attention now more than she ever has in her life. My sister has breast cancer, and is taking attention away from her. My cousin (who she HATES) got married for the first time at age 49, hence lots of attention on him. And I've gone total NC, so she's desperate to get a reaction out of me.

I really want to think that I'm wrong about this, but I don't think I am.

Has anyone else had an N go this far? I mean, this goes beyond insanity.

[BonesMS]

Unfortunately, N's have been known to go so far as to fake cancer just so they can manipulate and abuse people.  One such N landed on a court TV show, (Judge Joe Brown, I think), AND GOT NAILED!!!!!  This N had gone so far as to shave her head to fake being a cancer patient but entangled herself in her own web of lies on national TV!  Judge Joe Brown let her know in no uncertain terms what he thought of her nonsense!

My gut is saying the same thing as your gut!  The drama queen is FAKING!!!!!!  DAMN HER!!!!!

Bones

[JustKathy]

Wow. To go so far as to shave your head seems way beyond the norm even for an N at the far end of the spectrum. That's really crossing the line into true mental illness. But then maybe that's what extreme NPD is. More than a disorder - full on mental illness.

[Sealynx]

Mine has never done this, but she has spoken about "when she is dead" and such. She frequently says she is going to donate her body to science to see if she could get a rise out of us. Theatricality is a trait I've noticed in every one of them I have known. It makes sense that they would find no shame in copying anything they think might work. They all lack a sense of emotional proportion.

[JustKathy]

I have to wonder what my co-dependent siblings and father are thinking at this point, or are they such puppets that they'll never second guess her?

For the first few months after this diagnosis, I got non-stop guilt letters from NM. My sister (who never emails me) sent me numerous emails about the will, burial arrangements, and so on, but her words sounded suspiciously like M's. I believe these emails were dictated to S. My father called with weekly updates, though he never said anything more than "She has good days and bad days. Some days she's too weak to get out of bed, but otherwise looks great."

Then, around January, dead silence. I'm wondering if she suddenly went into "remission" after she didn't get the desired response that she wanted from me. If she had 30 days to live, six months at best, at this point (one year later) she should be bedridden on a morphine drip, yet not a peep from my father, who is so CD he told me that he would die a sympathetic death after she was gone because he couldn't live without her (I know, pass the barf bag).

I have this stupid crap jewelry that she sent me. I have half a mind to send it back with a note saying, "Since you didn't die, you might need this." But I can't, because I'll be playing right into her hands. Blechh. I don't want her junk in my house. What a FREAK!

[Twoapenny]

Gosh, Kathy.  I'd love to be able to say "Heavens, no-one would do something like this".  But I wouldn't be the slightest bit suprised if my mum did it so I guess I could see someone else's mum doing it.  I think it's easy to hoodwink the rest of the family if they want to be hoodwinked - I bet your dad never questions anything she says or does so would never dream of questioning her about her 'miraculous' recovery.  Makes me feel quite sick to think she might be playing this.  Hugs to you xx

[Sealynx]

It is not unusual for an N to possess more than one personality disorder, especially more than one disorder within constellation B which includes NPD. Sounds like she may also have Histrionic traits which is also called Dramatic personality. Someone I know has this and she frequently creates elaborate personal responses to the smallest issue. It is maddening and crazy making. Your father sounds like the typical weak dad. Admitting he was duped would mean losing whatever self-esteem he gets from her and having to fight with her every day since leaving is not an option for him. I would think this charades will probably end in a miracle cure when she tires of the act. SAD. Aren't you glad to be NC?

[Ales2]

Just Kathy - yes its possible that they go this far! In 1978, I was 10, my mother was 41 and she started to have problems with left leg. My Dad was a doctor, a radiologist and took xrays. Somehow, they found something abnormal, a tumor and she had surgery where they removed part of her thigh bone and replaced it with a piece from her hip. The doctor that did the surgery was a close family friend and the man who hired my Dad years earlier. I never really believed my Mother, but was too young to really know anything for sure. That was also the summer when the hospital went through several high profile divorces among the doctors there and I to this day wonder if the trouble m parents were having might have contributed to this charade. I think my NM assumed a Doctor would never his leave his sick wife. Flash forward to 2008, when I learned my mother is an N and I started to question this illness myself.  And of course, my Dad and the Doctor who did the surgery have both since passed, so I will never be able to ask further question and gain more understanding. Oh yeah, after the surgery, she recovered - no radiation, no chemo....hmmmm... she did once see another doctor about it but after that it myseriously went away... hmmmm

If you have been following my posts recently, my NM has really gone off the deep end, with false accusations and last week, she's decided to become certified in "elder abuse" so she can get a job...she's 74 and has not worked since 1967.....uh huh....

The more independence I seem to show and disinterest in anything to do with her...the worse her antics and tactics get....its actually quite scary, so no I don;t doubt your Nm might do that.

hang in there JK.

[JustKathy]

Ales, yes, they definitely do turn up the volume as you cut contact. I've gotten more "attention" from her in the six years that I've been NC than I did in my entire childhood.

Sealynx, I'm going to do some research on that dramatic personality thing. She may have that. I remember several instances as a child when things were blown ridiculously out of proportion, like the couple across the street having a shouting match, and NM telling everyone that he was chasing her with a knife. One time, when she had her business, she claimed that an ex-client hung a dead cat in front of the door with a death threat attached. I immediately picked up the phone to call the police (I ws working in the office with her at the time), and she said that they would kill her if the police were called in. Of course, she was the only one to have seen the dead cat, and she threw the death threat away. Many of her stories go way beyond over-exaggeration. They're complete fabrications.

And yup, my father believes every word she says. When I was a teenager she used him as her hatchet man, telling him lies about my school calling and reporting that I was using drugs, that she found cigarettes in my purse, and so on. He always punished me for these things. I remember pleading with him, telling him that she was crazy and making the stuff up, but he believed every stinking last word of it.

[Logy]

Oh, I can believe it!

My NM is a master of manipulation.  And I have received emails from co-F that were so dictated by her.  She has put up a good front to me ever since I went LC one year ago.  But when I have been around her with the rest of the family, she lets her guard down and I see the real her.  Actually, co-F has become more like her.  A different person than he was 10, 20, 30, 40 years ago.  He says things that come straight from her mouth.  And NM just sits and says nothing.  All of their children KNOW these are NM's words, not co-F.  But he is her puppet.  We know he is a weak man who has chosen her over his children, his career, his mental health.  It is painful to see.

BTW, NM has convinced co-F that his memory is so bad that he believes everything she says, even when she denies his memory.  I have told dad that he does remember things.  He seemed shocked to hear that.  SIGH, that is what I remember from my childhood.  But she doesn't have her children there anymore to manipulate so my dad is the victim.

I have one sibling who is co-dependent, one who is N, and one who gets it.  Thank God for the one who gets it and the support we give each other.

[JustKathy]

He says things that come straight from her mouth.

I get this too, from both my co-father and co-sister. They say things that are clearly in NM's words. My sister sends me emails that worded EXACTLY like NM's letters. Both of them are just parroting what comes out of her mouth. I feel sorry for them. Totally brainwashed. Makes me feel like I'm the lucky one.

[mudpuppy]

O.M.G. I think NM is faking terminal cancer!.........Has anyone else had an N go this far? I mean, this goes beyond insanity.

 People with Munchausen Syndrome will fake any type of disease, whether to gain attention or sympathy or whatever, going so far as to sometimes  manufacture actual physical symptoms and undergo unnecessary operations, so yeah it wouldn't surprise me one whit were an N to fake terminal cancer.
 Of course as an N she would most likely just make up a fantastic lie and not actually cause herself any actual discomfort by faking symptoms. Ns are always about creating discomfort in others not themselves.
 Almost no one can go through chemo without fatigue although some avoid nausea for the most part. And it is unlikely she would not have lost her hair as well with the vast majority of chemo regimens. Did she miraculously not lose any hair? (it would still be quite short)
 

I'll bet that she made him wait outside this time too, so he never heard the actual diagnosis straight from the doctor's mouth.

 Maybe she is telling the truth, who knows? It's hard to tell since you're NC, but if she had cancer and then chemo there would have been innumerable trips for scans and tests and she would have had a tough time driving to and from chemo sessions which go on for months. She couldn't fake it by just telling him to wait outside one time. Either he's  not telling the truth which you don't seem to think is likely or he is the most gullible co dependent guy alive.

mud

[seastorm]

Just the fact that you think she is faking is indication enough of the deep distrust you have of your NM. And for good reasons.
Trust your instincts and they are telling you this is just another drama festival and your M going opera on everyone. Whether or not she is actually sick is such a crazymaking double bind.  She may not have cancer,but what she does have kills everyone in sight with insidious accuracy.

My exN is faking having heart problems since he hasnt gotten a consultants job with his new partner. She is very wealthy and has provided opportunities to network etc. While talking with him he said that he has had two heart attacks but not ended up in the hospital. His friend, who is a doctor, said to him "If I didn't know you better I would say that you were faking". Well, he obviously does not know him better  and he is faking.  He will do anything to keep the ball in the air. He will fake heart attacks, osteoporosis,  going deaf, torn rotator cuff and on and on. The next thing you know he says he is swimming 100 laps every day.
Bleeeeaach! 
While I was with him he said that he was going deaf and feared that he would be alone in his deaf world and could hardly hear people on the phone.  Eleven years later he is still talking on the phone. I am pretty sure that the new partner is buying all this. Poor woman. It does keep her very close to his side and under control. Last year he was going hunting with some buddies in a remote area where they all share a cabin. It was his turn ( after 20 years) to buy all the grub. He had a heartattack in the supermarket. Went to the hospital.  He still wanted to go hunting but his buddies said they did not want to have to bring him out in a body bag.  It doesn't add up.  You dont go hunting after a heart attack. I bet he did not pay for the groceries. That would have really been hard to swallow for him.
It does not add up. People dont want to think that the pooor bugger is faking. I don't think he even knows he is faking. But it does not add up. It is easier to go along with it because the alternative is so ..........disgusting, heart-breaking, deal breaking, wicked, dark, sinister, unethical but TRUE.

I think he was faking. I did not feel sorry for him. I am very sympathetic usually but I just felt a cold stone in my belly.Nothing.
So be it.

Thanks for posting your story. It really made me think and feel again. It helps to get out of denial. I am sorry you have come to this place with your mother and have to see your dad a puppet in this crazy scene.

Sea storm

[JustKathy]

I really hate that I'm even having these thoughts, that someone would fake cancer, but it's like you said Seastorm, things aren't adding up. I could get a call any day saying that she died, and then I'll feel like crap, but that's the problem with crying wolf all the time. She spent her entire life being a major drama queen, so I can't help but have these doubts.

Mud, my NM doesn't drive (one more way of maintaining control over F). He chauffeurs her everywhere. Sometimes my sister drives her, but it's mostly him. So it's possible that she might have had some radiation or other type of treatment, perhaps to slow the growth of a tumor. I'm guessing she may have something that might kill her in five years, but turned it into "30 days to live" for attention seeking purposes. I questioned the chemo from day one, because anyone with cancer that advanced, and with a 30-day prognosis would not be given chemo. She didn't lose any hair, no fatigue, no loss of appetite. My father marveled at how she was completely unaffected by it. And she had only ONE treatment - went once.  

The initial diagnosis as my F relayed it to me was a cancerous tumor on her lungs that was next to her heart and therefore inoperable. It was allegedly pressing against her esophagus so she was coughing and couldn't swallow, but they gave her some medicine, which "fixed it." I'm thinking that the REAL story is likely a small tumor that was treated with radiation. He took her somewhere for some type of treatment, but I doubt it was chemo. And again, only one treatment, which just doesn't sound right. My husband is currently undergoing radiation treatment for prostate cancer, which he has to do every day for seven weeks. I don't think anyone would have only one chemo treatment, and come away cured. It just doesn't make sense. As for my F being the most gullible co dependent guy alive, yep, HE IS! If you have a bridge for sale, he'll buy it.

[mudpuppy]

I don't think anyone would have only one chemo treatment, and come away cured.

Impossible. Chemo requires months of treatments to kill a significant number of cancer cells. Even maintenance chemo lasts for a month or more.

Hope your husband is OK.
It will be five years since my wife's diagnosis this Sep and she remains in good health even though she's stage IV, so there is life after chemo and radiation. 

mud