That really is a powerful magic key, GS. I'm so glad this piece is taking root, for you!
And it's odd-funny: I still need to listen, hear, and take my own advice (especially this piece!) too. It is still hard for me to relax and just have fun - to just PLAY and enjoy myself. To let others take care of themselves (they are amazingly capable and if I can restrain my instincts "to do for others" long enough - they even "do for" me!!)
There are so many parallels to the old, original woundings on this side of the healing process. Like a "do-over", I find myself being faced with lots of people these days - in (horrors!) my very own space and bringing all their own personality peculiarities. For someone who survived Self-boundary intrusions... well, the anxiety is still there. I find I'm still trying to plan, design & manage everything and everyone down to the last innuendo-detail and I have to be reminded that it's just not necessary, quite a lot.
I face the same old inhibitions about speaking my opinions, thoughts, and expressing (even recognizing) my own needs. The same quandaries about "is it wrong???" or "will it make me a target???".... all the old tapes are still there, sure enough. And it all adds up to the same core issue, for me, about whether I can trust myself - based on whether I'm stamped "approved" or "acceptable". But ya know, I CAN trust myself... and it matters a lot less if I'm "approved" or "acceptable", to someone else's way of thinking... and that actually gives me some confidence in just being me. And truly - not everyone WILL like me; some WILL - and that's OK. Slowly but surely, new tapes are being created and drowning out the old ones.
And if I stumble, don't get it right, make a mistake - I can apologize and move on. The world doesn't come crashing down anymore if I put off something for a day or two - in fact, sometimes allowing extra time gives me insight into a better way to go about it. And I'm learning - via all these people "invading" my space - that it's only my neurotic wish to control every little thing and to make it "perfect" - that gets in the way of people, events, and overal zeitgeist of actually BEING that way.
Lots of little letting go's... are the mechanical bit of making progress these days for me. Paradox and Irony... my favorite 3-D lenses!
