Wow. How nice it is to have such support. Thank you all.
I've been thinking about this today and I came to several conclusions: one is that this will be a great benefit to me because I know that it had little to do with me and it gives me yet more access to those original wounds that still hurt. Rejection is one of my biggest. I have been working on that in the past few weeks and see it as the real cornerstone of all the early wounds. Another conclusion is that our wounds seem to have intersected. A couple of weeks ago I asked for her help with one of my business ideas and I realize that she felt that I was asking for something that she couldn't give. In her email she made several points in a passive, round about way, speaking about a business friend of hers while clearly the message was meant for me. One of these passive points was that she has given too much to other people and she must focus on herself now.
The buttons pushed for me are several. She pulled away when I asked for her help. (Mind you, the whole reason we got together originally was because she said she wanted to help me.) The pulling away when I ask for help is a repetition of what I experienced in my FOO and I experienced it in multiple ways when my husband died and for the first time I asked people for help. Almost all fell through, especially my parents and brothers and sisters-in-laws. Of course this person knew that rejection and lost friendships were one of my greatest losses. Especially lost friendships without even a word. All of this will work out in the end. And it was worth the effort. I have to say that I am thankful that we did not enter a business arrangement together. It would have been a disaster.
Bones - there is a kind of narcissistic quality. And she had some real childhood wounds. She is the 2nd of 4 children and her mother died her first week at college. When she headed back to school after the funeral her father told her she was on her own and he would not be footing any more of her bills. No warning. She is very interprising and was able to provide for herself but she is the only one of the children that her father did not provide for. No question that she longs to connect with men and has had great success with men on a business level but not romantically. I actually think that she may have some form of asperger's. It runs in her family. She longs to connect but she has NO idea how. That came through loud and clear with the way she handled the contacts that I helped her make. She would get them involved in preliminary conversations and meetings about projects and then never follow up with them after meetings when she decided not to pursue the concepts. She left people hanging left and right. And often literally cried because she was tired of working alone.
CB - she is very much like the people you describe. I won't let this hurt me. It will truly help me. I will build on this and move forward more healthy and stronger.
Sealynx - you have part of it right. I don't think she is able to see her role at all. She needs and I was there and we have much in common. But when she decided to move on she doesn't think she has any need to let me know that things have changed. She wrote, " I have not broken any commitments to you that I am aware of. " She never addressed my opening statement about valuing our friendship.
Overcomer - I have fallen for the $50 guy types in the past. I do so hope I am past that now - lol.
Baddaughter - "
I don't think it is that we are magnets so much as we send out signals that we give people a chance or that we are resilient and that is all some of them need. "
I realized only a few weeks ago that I had fallen into an old trap. She said early on that she wanted to help me and so repeating a pattern from my childhood, I made myself useful and available and I was present like a dutiful dog waiting for my bone. When she needed more listening and more attention and more support and encouragement, I was there, passively waiting for my bone. When, push came to shove, and no bone was forthcoming, I asked for it. And guess what???? Same thing happened that happened repeatedly in my childhood. But the good news is this time I understand and I was able to see what I was doing. THAT is what is different and that is a great sign of healing and for that I am thankful.
Hops - yes, yes, yes and yes. That's it, you got it.
Yes to the needing, yes to the hunger, yes to non-recip.
AND yes to the getting it, seeing it and yes to the good thing.
Thanks for sharing.
And thanks again to all for the help and the support. It is so life giving.
