Author Topic: Daphne Merkin's "My Life in Therapy"  (Read 8347 times)

Dr. Richard Grossman

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Daphne Merkin's "My Life in Therapy"
« on: August 09, 2010, 04:17:39 PM »
Hi everyone,

Here’s a terrific article on therapy by Daphne Merkin from this week’s (8/8/10) New York Times Magazine:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/08/magazine/08Psychoanalysis-t.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1

I’d be happy to talk about it, but I’d like to hear your comments first…

Best,

Richard

CB123

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Re: Daphne Merkin's "My Life in Therapy"
« Reply #1 on: August 09, 2010, 05:21:25 PM »
Dr. G,

You beat me to it!  I read this article this morning and really enjoyed her perspective (although I'm not sure that the process itself was enjoyable to her).  The part that really struck me was the comment from the friend that his wife was going to stop therapy and use the money to buy a grand piano.  My own experience is that, although I wouldnt forego the therapy, there did come a point where a "grand piano" did more good.  (In my case, it wasnt a piano). 

My sense is that there comes a time when mastery and competence and creativity is the most important need of the moment in healing.  That time came, for me, when I had hashed and rehashed my history to the point that I was bored with it myself.  Maybe that's where we are supposed to end up.  When I abandoned analyzing the pain and its causes for the pursuit of some creative outlet, I felt the first exhilaration of healing.  The talk, I think, was necessary--just as brushing one's teeth and cutting one's toenails is necessary.  Still, brushing teeth and cutting toenails has never been the goal, but rather just one of those things that must be done. 

Thanks for sharing this...I am looking forward to hearing your perspective.

CB
When they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way -- and it surely has not -- she adjusted her sails.  Elizabeth Edwards 2010

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Re: Daphne Merkin's "My Life in Therapy"
« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2010, 05:35:28 PM »
Hi Dr G

Anyone who wants a therapist “who could make me happy” is worth a lot of money to therapists who will take it. I’ve (so far) got as far as the Woody Allen comment and am not sure I have enough time in my life to read the rest…
 

Sealynx

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Re: Daphne Merkin's "My Life in Therapy"
« Reply #3 on: August 09, 2010, 10:44:11 PM »
What seems to be missing here is anyone else or a real focus for the therapy. I get the feeling that therapy was like a school she attended. She seems to be a perpetual student who keeps switching colleges and never graduates. I don't personally find therapy to be very useful unless I have something to work on.

Dr. Richard Grossman

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Re: Daphne Merkin's "My Life in Therapy"
« Reply #4 on: August 10, 2010, 11:56:58 AM »
Hi everyone and thanks for your comments!

One could easily dismiss Daphne Merkin as a complete nut.  40 years in therapy with so many different therapists—and always the feeling that if she found the right one, she could be made to feel happy.   Ms. Merkin has chronicled her pain elsewhere—we’ve talked about her before on this Board ( http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=8730.msg138560;topicseen#msg138560).  I would guess there is a biological element (predisposition) to some of her unhappiness—and clearly she would be a difficult patient for anyone (witness how she threw up roadblocks with the one therapist she did think was terrific).

The problem is the characterizations and criticisms of the therapists she saw, I believe are correct.  (Why she would continue to go to such therapists probably has to do with the New York mentality—where psychoanalytic therapy still holds sway.  I also suspect that viable, intelligent alternatives are hard to come by.)  I was trained in psychoanalytic therapy in the late 70’s, around the time the philosophy was nearing death.  (There is still a psychoanalytic institute in Boston, but I was recently told by a graduate school classmate that there are more teachers/supervisors than there are students).  I had come from a rigorous scientific undergraduate school, so when my first mentor in graduate school had me listening to his therapy sessions via tape recordings (after which we would have a five minute discussion—with me expected to say “wow” or “that was very interesting”), I felt like I was on a different planet.  Things came to a head quickly.  One day I said: I understood there are unconscious processes (I recently had heard a talk on the “split-brain” where one side did not know what the other side was doing), but I didn’t understand why psychoanalysts grouped them together into “The Unconscious”.  I truly thought this would be an interesting topic of conversation.  What followed instead was a 5 minute rant about the “f-ing American psychologists” (of which I was one)—and essentially, my mentor never spoke to me again, although I was still required to listen to many hours of his taped therapy sessions.  Still, I gave the theory a chance in the years to come and in the course of my training listened to and heard about many more of what I considered to be damaging sessions by distinguished and renowned therapists--just like the ones that Ms. Merkin describes.  At the end of my training, I had found only one or two therapists that I would send a family member or friend to—for most of the reasons/criticisms that Daphne Merkin lists.

I believe that good therapy (for people like Ms. Merkin—who, even though she is a terrific writer, fits the criteria of “voiceless”) absolutely requires a good match (see my "Are We a Match?" section of my web site  http://voicelessness.com/are_we_a_match_.html ) and is dependent on the human qualities of the therapist as well as the patient. And I believe strongly that there should be a two-way attachment.  While I think insight is important, I consider it a by-product of the new and different attachment (and the parts of the brain that attachment affects).  Insight, on its own is, at least for the people I see, largely pointless.  The "brilliant" observations/clarifications of the unconscious only further separate the two parties in the room—and simply satisfies the therapists’ narcissistic needs.  Finally, with the right matches and solid (but, of course, often difficult in the beginning) two-way attachments, over time (I am talking years) I have seen "character transformations".   I’ll stop here and let everyone respond…


« Last Edit: August 23, 2010, 01:51:40 PM by Dr. Richard Grossman »

teartracks

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Re: Daphne Merkin's "My Life in Therapy"
« Reply #5 on: August 10, 2010, 02:20:50 PM »
Hi Dr. G.,

I am taking your word for it that the article was a good piece on therapy.  My experience and what I think I know on the subject (from what I've experienced and read)  fits into a completely different arena than the northeast/New York thinking that you mentioned and which came through in her article.  Out here, things are a bit different from Ms. Merkins experience.   Comparing what 'out here' is like to her experience in NY would kind of be like saying that Lady GaGa and George Jones both sing country music. 

I wrote a response last night and immediately started second guessing myself.  Took it down and didn't save it, otherwise, I'd post it again.  Now that I read your post, we weren't that far apart on our take on the article.  I could relate to her symptoms, but hardly any to her pursuit of healing.  I couldn't relate to what I imagined her circle of family, friends, co workers, onlookers must be like.  I couldn't relate to having funds/benefits enough to cover 40 years of therapy three (or there abouts) times a week.  I admire her tenacity though.  Having a flock of therapists who were willing to shuttle her indiscriminately (my impression) amongst themselves blows me away.  After reading the entire article, I thought, there's something wrong with this picture, several somethings.

Another thing I thought was that the piece was high  in commercial value, but low on content once you remove the filler material from her story.  But then that's what selling papers is about...$.  

tt

  

 
« Last Edit: August 10, 2010, 02:40:26 PM by teartracks »

Dr. Richard Grossman

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Re: Daphne Merkin's "My Life in Therapy"
« Reply #6 on: August 10, 2010, 02:41:22 PM »
Hi tt,

When I wrote that it was a "terrific" piece on therapy, I purposely didn't clarify.  My daughter e-mailed me the link because she knew I would enjoy it.  When I wrote her back, I told her it was "horrifying, sad, and a little funny."  Most importantly, it told the truth--as Chekhov urges all writers to do.  I had the same reaction to it as I did the newish Joan Rivers movie, "A Piece of Work"--which also told the truth, and which I thoroughly enjoyed.  Of course, I grew up a Jewish New Yorker--so you're right, much of this may not translate in the rest of the country.

Best (I almost wrote Beset),

Richard

P.S.  My daughter is now living in Brooklyn, a half mile from my great-grandparents' and grandparents' mausoleum.  I told her great, if she lost her job, she could always move in there.  Ooops, that may not translate either...
« Last Edit: August 10, 2010, 02:43:40 PM by Dr. Richard Grossman »

Sealynx

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Re: Daphne Merkin's "My Life in Therapy"
« Reply #7 on: August 10, 2010, 03:02:26 PM »
Hi Dr. G.
Your travails with your mentors remind me of stories I read about Dr. Bruce Perry's (The Boy Who was Raised as  a Dog) early years. He is probably the leading expert on the effects of Childhood trauma. It was considered wrong for him to fraternize with his patients by doing things such as taking a poor family home on a frigid day, but much of what he learned came from breaking that and other rules.
S

teartracks

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Re: Daphne Merkin's "My Life in Therapy"
« Reply #8 on: August 10, 2010, 03:59:33 PM »




Quote
P.S.  My daughter is now living in Brooklyn, a half mile from my great-grandparents' and grandparents' mausoleum.  I told her great, if she lost her job, she could always move in there.  Ooops, that may not translate either...

May not translate, but it sure is funny.   :lol:

Dr. G., my impression of you is that you could enter, learn fast and practice in the hinterlands with little problem.  Ever done or thought of doing that?

tt



Logy

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Re: Daphne Merkin's "My Life in Therapy"
« Reply #9 on: August 10, 2010, 08:49:41 PM »
This article left me feeling really good about myself.  I have also been in and out of therapy.  I go into therapy with a struggle in my life.  I learn to deal with that struggle and get some good advice from my therapist.  Then I venture forward, taking what I have learned and apply them to my life.  Practice.  Learn this lesson. 
The next struggle comes up.  Back into therapy.  Practice new lesson.  Each therapist contributed something to my journey.

I couldn't finish the article.  I'm a midwestern person.  By no means ignorant.  Graduated in my field magna cum laude.  Come on, people, take responsibility for your own life.  Yeah, you might not have had a great start.  You have struggled with manipulative people.  When the manipulators are your own parents, you bear a special burden. 

The author mentioned that after Dr. S evaluated her dream about Mark the therapist regarded her as a "hopelessly crazy person".  My impression is that the author has no interest in working toward a satisfactory life for herself.  She just wants someone to acknowledge her as the queen.  Mark, her therapists.  All the people who have worked to help her she has chosen to toss aside.  Criticize.  How can ALL these people be bad, after all these years?

Dr. Richard Grossman

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Re: Daphne Merkin's "My Life in Therapy"
« Reply #10 on: August 11, 2010, 11:00:34 AM »
My sense is that there comes a time when mastery and competence and creativity is the most important need of the moment in healing.  That time came, for me, when I had hashed and rehashed my history to the point that I was bored with it myself.  Maybe that's where we are supposed to end up.  When I abandoned analyzing the pain and its causes for the pursuit of some creative outlet, I felt the first exhilaration of healing.  The talk, I think, was necessary--just as brushing one's teeth and cutting one's toenails is necessary.  Still, brushing teeth and cutting toenails has never been the goal, but rather just one of those things that must be done.  


Hi CB,

The following applies to only a particular group of patients into which Ms. Merkin may fit.  (People see therapists for many reasons, and most are happy with the experience/result.)

Therapy for these people is not about hashing history over and over again.  Rather, the past and the present are talked about so that the therapist feels what it's like to be the patient (knows the patient's world as intimately as possible), and ultimately this knowledge becomes part of a unique relationship.  The conveyance back to the patient of “getting it” cannot be a mechanical act by a therapist (e.g. “So, you’re saying…)—the patient sees right through this and feels just as alone.  In fact I think few people (including therapists) can “get” it, much less convey it back—and I’m not sure it’s teachable.  For most people, their very solid sense of self get in the way—everything is filtered than translated through this self.  Maybe only the voiceless can hear the voiceless.  Anyway, if the therapist can "get it" and have the patient’s life/world affect them, gradually the patient makes an attachment and feels safer and safer in the world—and no longer alone.  I think this is what Daphne Merkin was/is longing for and never found.


Best,

Richard
« Last Edit: August 11, 2010, 12:36:59 PM by Dr. Richard Grossman »

Dr. Richard Grossman

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Re: Daphne Merkin's "My Life in Therapy"
« Reply #11 on: August 11, 2010, 11:06:48 AM »

Anyone who wants a therapist “who could make me happy” is worth a lot of money to therapists who will take it. I’ve (so far) got as far as the Woody Allen comment and am not sure I have enough time in my life to read the rest…
 

Hi Guest,

I would bet Ms. Merkin would settle for:   not depressed, not alone, valued, and free to be herself...

Best,

Richard
« Last Edit: August 11, 2010, 12:35:50 PM by Dr. Richard Grossman »

Dr. Richard Grossman

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Re: Daphne Merkin's "My Life in Therapy"
« Reply #12 on: August 11, 2010, 11:18:53 AM »
What seems to be missing here is anyone else or a real focus for the therapy. I get the feeling that therapy was like a school she attended. She seems to be a perpetual student who keeps switching colleges and never graduates. I don't personally find therapy to be very useful unless I have something to work on.

Hi Sealynx,

It is hard for the voiceless to convey what it is they want--and very often they fight their own wishes/needs in the therapist's office.  If you finally get a little, you're going to want a lot--and you've spent your whole life trying to stay away from the conundrum.  This is why Ms. Merkin pushes away as hard as she can the one therapist she loved.

Best,

Richard

Dr. Richard Grossman

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Re: Daphne Merkin's "My Life in Therapy"
« Reply #13 on: August 11, 2010, 12:02:40 PM »
I understand what you are saying about the two-way relationship, but the counselling relationship necessarily involves a business arrangement that begins BEFORE the relationship, so I think that is always right there in the room.  It's not bad.  It is what it is, so it can't be a real friendship.  I think that's right, but may have to think some more on that one.

Hi CB,

In the beginning of therapy (again, for the kind of people I see), the business end has its effect--sometimes in surprising ways.  Some patients are glad/relieved to pay me because they want to keep in their mind that this is a traditional "doctor/patient" relationship--no closer than that.  If they didn't pay me, they would feel extremely vulnerable.  But for most people, as the relationship develops, the business aspect typically fades to the background--almost as if it were an unpleasant but necessary chore in a marriage.  For others, the "issue" comes and goes depending upon how they are feeling about me at the time.   

Quote
Anyway, psychiatrists are just people and I dont know how in the world they can spend all day doing what they do.  I would be a mess.


I keep my practice small--otherwise I couldn't do what I do.  Sometimes, I wonder what I would have done if I couldn't have done this--I can't think of anything as fulfilling.  I feel very lucky.

Best,

Richard

Dr. Richard Grossman

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Re: Daphne Merkin's "My Life in Therapy"
« Reply #14 on: August 11, 2010, 12:32:56 PM »
Hi Logy,

You may be underestimating the differences between you (brain + experience + interaction between the two) and her (brain + experience + interaction between the two).  (I hope you are--given what she has been through in her life!)  Here's the prior New York Times Magazine article describing her chronic depression:
 
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/10/magazine/10Depression-t.html?scp=2&sq=daphne%20merkin&st=cse

People who suffer from chronic major depression often live hellish lives--and they try over and over to find someone/anyone (or anything) that will bring them some relief.  There are some terrific books on the subject including Styron's "Darkness Visible:  A Memoir of Madness"   and Andrew Solomon's  "The Noonday Demon--An Atlas of Depression.

Best,

Richard