I wish I did not feel anything.

[Lupita]

I am so ashamed of my self that I have not even told my son or my friends. I am back together with M. I don’t know why this man is like a drug to me. But I know I am tired of him, but when he is close to me I cannot resist him. I have not even told the couple of friends I have or my son. I feel so ashamed.
I know he is destructive to me. My therapist told me that being with him is like drinking poison and it is affecting me.
I feel a little depressed and lethargic, don’t know what to do. I feel the same thing I felt with my mother. It took me fifty years to get detached from my mother.
At least this time, I know, just feel attracted to him for some reason.
Last Saturday we were dancing when Russian young dancer came to him and asked him to dance. How can she do that when I was sitting by him and holding his hand? I asked where was her dance partner and she said I don’t know. M asked where is he spending the night? She said, “he cant handle my sex”.
   
Do you think she was offering sex to M? She is 35 and M is 66. How can she like him?

Why did she answered with a sexual response? Did he provoke that?

Why do I suffer for that?

He is never going to change.

This time he promised me. He said “my flirting days are dead”

He was sitting with me. This horney bitch  came on her own.

This Saturday I hope that if she comes to ask him, she will criticize him dancing and he will not want to dance with here anymore.

I help him so much because I am expert on learning process and he has so many problems and I push his leg, I ask him to pull me or push me when his coordination gets stocked, I work with him for hours and all the abilities he has aquired thanks to me he is going to use them to show off to a younger woman. I think, he is going to see that he looks well with me but he will not be able to look well with other woman because other woman will no be able to help him the way I help him.

I know that is not the way to gain love.
He causes me so much anxiety. I wish I did not feel anything.

[sKePTiKal]

OH MY. It sounds like you're really trying hard to work through this, Lupita. To me, it sounds like there is something about you or life or relationships that you're trying to learn and understand - and you're willing to risk feeling awful again to learn it.

I agree with your T, that this might be dangerous for you. So please take care of yourself and be very, very clear about your own boundaries with M - what you will/won't accept in his treatment of you. Also try to see just what it is that you WANT so much - what this mysterious "thing" is that M offers you - that you would return to the "lion's den" and take such a risk, just to have the chance (no guarantee) to have.

Please, Lup - be careful for yourself.

[Lupita]

Thank you PR.

I am limiting my time at his house. Just after dancing. I am not staying there during week days. Sadly, he is happier to see me when I spend less time with him.

 

[sKePTiKal]

Lup, I have a friend who's a little younger than I am (by one week! We were born in the same hospital). So here we are mid-50's having been through double dating, marriages, relationships, Nparents, deaths of schoolmates and those even closer... and she's currently single again. Her son is out of college now, working and in a stable relationship of his own. My friend, however, is struggling financially and is self-employed.

She's been in a relationship with a fellow craftsperson for a couple of years now. However, it's not really a "relationship"... the way we'd define a one + one relationship. He's been divorced and is extremely avoidant of even the appearance of the 2 of them being a "couple". She would like something more "conventional"... more secure... and her feelings have been hurt a couple of times, when he could've been more generous about this - but his fear of committment and having people see him as part of a couple got in the way. However, she's really enjoying what she does have with him - the romance, sex, and fun times they have together - when they do get together.

She and I are like sisters, having grown up together. She feels a little guilty about wanting more than this with her "boy-toy" and enjoying it so much and I told her: you know, you've earned the right to have a little fun with someone who doesn't want to tie you down or control every little thing you do (her last hubby was psycho-N) and it's rather sophistocated to not have a "relationship" per se - to have instead, a lover. To my way of thinking - this is romantic! It's got a bit of daring, risk, and yet, the two of them will never argue about whether the lawn got mowed or the trash was taken out or her beauty routines or girlfriends taking up too much time. Yes, it's still got it's ups and downs... but there is something attractive to me, to about this much "space" in a relationship. Of couse, I've been either married or in a close relationship most of my adult life... and I'll admit to being a little envious. I like that stage of relationships - the flirting, the courting, and even the downside of the uncertainty of if "he likes me". I keep looking for little ways to engage my hubby in this - and I think he's starting to get the idea and to "play" again!  (tee-hee!)

There is some truth in the old saying, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". After 10 years of marriage, it's very true for us. So what I'm saying here, is why not enjoy what you enjoy with M and at the same time - work on your boundaries, your degree, your home and family, your independence... and just let the relationship be "tentative"... a sometime thing... let it be what it is and enjoy that much and not worry about it being or becoming anything else?? It does simplify things a lot and let's you work on you - but not to the total exclusion of connecting with someone and having fun.

M could be your "Gennulman Friend", like Hops' guy was... but without expectations or strings attached. And it can STILL be a meaningful relationship, you know? What do you think? Is that an option for you?

[Lupita]

Thank you PR.
The more detahced I am, the better he behaves. We still dance several times a week. But I let him dance with whom ever he wants. I dont give a sh&t anymore. He is happier and more loving.

My therapist says that he is a used car and I can use ir until I can find a better car.

I am trying to feel well no matter what. I am having difficulties at work too. It is difficult to feel well. But I am trying to feel well. I think I never felt well in my life.

I was destined to be rejected from birth.

[sKePTiKal]

Well, sweetie - you ain't rejected HERE, are ya?

I know the feeling about "not ever feeling well" and how does a person even know they feel well - if it was a rare experience in one's life? Keep looking and trying and one day - it'll happen and you'll know. That's the turning point and then the feeling bad, gets less intense; less frequent. "Fake it until you make it" didn't work for me - but that doesn't say much. It might work for you... and might be worth a shot.