Major N in My Life Died

[SallyingForth]

Well first, it is in some sense difficult whenever a family member dies. In this sense however, I can imagine that the number of years or time between communication will have an effect on how much difficulty, and it likely feels like the end of a long, hard journey. Emotional release.

The last time I physically saw them was 1999. Thank goodness! We did communicate in between that time but not very much. During a serious illness I had in 2007/2008, she steered every conversation toward herself. After that attitude, I communicated with her less by phone and more by email. I always guarded my heart with any interaction.

I congratulate you for making it to this juncture, and I encourage you not to look back, - make this a new beginning. Never let it happen again. I also offer condolences.

I intend to continue on with my life and not look back. Definitely, never let it happen again. 

[SallyingForth]

The threat of losing the N - whether real or not - equals total destruction of themselves

Phoenix, that makes pretty good sense to me. My parents have been married for over 50 years, so co-F lost his identity a very long time ago. He's been her third arm since 1959, but never his own person. When he found out that NM was going to die, he started making plans for his own death, burial arrangements etc., and said that he knew he would die as soon as she did. It's almost like a parasite losing its host. One has total dependency on the other, and cannot function independently. If the parasite doesn't find a new host, it too dies.

Kelly, when I found out that my mother had cancer (at the time had been told she had a month to live), I went to my therapist with mixed feelings. I was secretly delighted, and asked her if I was a bad person for feeling like i was about to be set free. She told me that she has many patients with N parents, and they ALL felt relief when the parent died.

My OCPDer step-dad also has dementia. I don't know how that works, perfect forgetfulness? I have heard from him three times since NM died. I called him to see how he was doing. And he sent me the obit sent by email. And he sent me another obit from his hobby club which they shared together. I'd say that was the most telling obit about who she was - controlling. It wasn't a shocking obit knowing who she was while I grew up.

One thing I don't have is mixed feelings. I have no regrets as there was no way to form an adult relationship with someone as ill (mentally) as she was.

[Guest]

Your last sentence SF says it. Takes a long tme to get there though (well it did for me).

[JustKathy]

I'd say that was the most telling obit about who she was - controlling.

That's really interesting. Do you know who wrote the obit? Did your NM write it herself in advance? Sure sounds like something an N would do - prepare a tribute to themselves in advance.