I just so appreciate having you all feedback what I myself can't see - coz I'm on the inside looking out. And the most fabulous thing about the board... is watching how everyone is learning about, entering into, and becoming black belt masters of emotions. I guess that does include me. I love every one of youse guys, even if we have had disagreements!
Today's little gem for me, is that what I feel re: MIL is simple, pure sadness that she's gone. It's not mixed up with pain; not like the grief processed from the past, which is blenderized up with a bunch of other intense emotions. Instead, it's sadness mixed with echoes of love; those little things that passed between us... the things that made MIL her SELF... the things that mattered to her.
I still don't feel as if I have a valid "claim" to MIL - that her children come first. But I have been clear, that what passed between her and I is extremely special and that I'm now the caretaker of that. We never made a contract or agreement in so many words, but I was able to convey to her that I accepted the role of mothering her and being there for her - no matter what - as she made this particular passage in her life. So when she gave me the birthday card, with her message, I almost bawled right then & there; the simple message wiped out, erased, negated - made as if it had never happened - all the stuff that I've struggled with here, in therapy, and in all those journals.
What I'm caretaking for her, is the part of Twiggy that was broken & shattered - and that I couldn't reach into past all the wounds. The little girl who was such a good mommy to her dolls... and who stepped up to try to take care of brother... and then mother... when it became obvious that there was no one else. The part that needed a mommy, desperately - and kept losing them. All MIL did was say "Thank You".
Before Mike & I left the hospital that last night (I was about to go face down on the floor, I was so tired) I told all the kids: she's in charge again, now. All we can do now is take care of ourselves and each other. [I don't know where that stuff comes from; maybe Twiggy? It's almost as if it's a different voice; as if I'm channelling something... like a medium.] And that is what is happening now.
Mike is taking over some of the ways his mom reached out to and cared about others; his brother describes his state as "surreal" - a state I can relate to from past experiences - but he is also organizing materials and info for the tributes still to be arranged - and D is doing something I call - sticking pins in your eye. It's a way to desensitize oneself emotionally, by deliberately invoking pain - OH GEE; just realized that's exactly the motivation behind all the various forms of self-abuse. I'll have to come back to that.
I've always thought that the tradition of sitting shiva or irish wakes needed to be mainstreamed, as a way to process grief and let it go. Protestant christianity seems to kick everyone out of the circle of compassion just at the moment that the reality of death is really setting in. In this case, MIL left specific instructions according to what she lived: no fuss, don't worry about me, don't make a big deal out of this. There will be no funeral; she's chosen to be cremated and she'll join her beloved husband at his gravesite. However!
She touched so many lives - in both small and huge ways - in two states, no less - that there will be two celebration of life services. And those won't take place for a few weeks yet. Which I think is a good thing for the family, even though D wants to "get this over with, and get to closure". It doesn't always work that way, as I know for a fact; so I'm going to call her today and see how she's doing and kind of talk her through some things. It's sorta my job now... and MIL will remind me, if I don't!
... sticking pins in your eye. It's a way to desensitize oneself emotionally, by deliberately invoking pain ...So, I guess whether it's eating unconsciously, smoking, cutting, or deliberately invoking grief and sadness... all of these things are ways to get a strong emotion outside of oneself - to "not feel" it. For whatever reason. In my case, feeling the grief of all my losses to self, was intensely overpowering and affected my ability to function. At least, if I took them all at one time! Worse - while I knew I needed to do this - I was specifically punished for it; and the message was: your feelings are hurting me - so stop it. So I learned to hide my feelings; withdraw completely from everyone to "feel" - and to actively protect other people from my feelings. In other words, to be ashamed and humiliated of being an emotional soul. And then I never learned how to express emotions "appropriately"... whatever the fashions, traditions, etc of the day were.
Ah! but on the other side of a cigarette... with the smoke swirling up between me and the rest of world... I could feel my feelings, without "giving away" what they were. Hiding in plain sight. At least, that's what I believed! LOL!!! In reality, my feelings are wide open vulnerable, in that I express them facially and with every bit of my body - easy to read - and especially! with my gestures while smoking.
