Struggling With Boundaries

[Twoapenny]

Hi all,

Well, after reporting recently that I was doing very well with setting boundaries, I am now in unchartered territory and struggling to cope!  I have two family members who I am close to, one of whom is having a baby and another who is having quite serious marital problems.  Along with that, both have problems with money, housing and depression.

I love these two people dearly.  I don't have contact with the majority of my family, so the ones that I held on to are very dear to me.  I hate seeing people that I care for unhappy, upset or struggling in any way.  However, I am finding that I am being asked to help out more and more often and I am starting to feel tired and resentful.  I don't mind helping out some of the time, but I don't want to do as much as I have been asked to over the last week or so.  I don't want to cause difficulties in my relationships with either of them, and I don't want them to feel like they can't ask for help, but equally I do need to put the brakes on the situation because I feel it may get worse rather than getting better and I don't want to get dragged in too deep.  I don't mind helping but I feel I need a bit of distance as well.  Something I find particularly hard is that I am at home with my son all day, so I find it difficult to refuse to do something when they know I'm there.  I think it's easier if you're out at work because people wouldn't expect you to leave work to do something (unless it was an emergency), but I find it harder to say no when I don't have a 'valid' excuse.

Any thoughts?  I have been doing well on boundaries with friends but have come up on a bit of a stumbling block with this one.

Thank you.

Twoapenny xx

[lighter]

I've been struggling with similar issues, Twoapenny.

Sitting down and journaling about our situations and feelings might help us both come to logical conclusions we're comfortable with.

In any case, I'll have to understand exactly how I feel, and be able to discuss it without becoming emotionally overwhelmed, before I attempt to set that kind of boundary.

Lighter/Mo2

[Twoapenny]

Hi M,

I think you're right.  I've been thinking about it today and the problem is I feel responsible for them when I shouldn't.  They're adults.  They have choices to make and if they choose to make choices that make life harder then there's no reason that I should get involved.  I think I find it hard to make the distinction between help - ie if someone rings me for a lift because their car has broken down and they're stranded - and not taking responsibility - someone who keeps asking me for a lift just because it's easier and cheaper than catching the bus.  I think that's where I need to work next - recognising those two things.  I also find it difficult because sometimes the dysfunctionality within the members of my family that I am in contact with does affect my indirectly and it really freaks me out.  Sometimes some really painful stuff starts coming up when I see two other people going through a situation that I have in the past.  I guess that clouds my judgement sometimes as well.

I'll post again if I get any bright ideas!