Is it all about image?

[Twoapenny]

Hi all,

This is just kind of running in my head at the minute, so I don't know if it's going to make much sense - but I'll write it up anyway!

My relationship with my mum really took a nose dive after I had my little boy.  She had lots of opportunities to help out, but never wanted to.  Some examples:

Refusing to babysit evenings, or at my home (she doesn't work, has a car and only lives ten minutes from me, so I felt three or four hours once a month wouldn't have killed her).

Would agree to daytime childminding but would then be out when I got there and then claim we made no arrangement.

When I was ill in hospital she told people who called to ask how I was that I wasn't allowed visitors, then came to visit me and went on about how none of my friends cared or they would have come to visit.

Would buy my son things that were really unsuitable or he didn't need and then complain about me being selfish for not letting him play with them.

Refused to help with housemoves or do anything like invite us round for dinner.

When I got worried about my son's development being delayed, she started ringing various professionals telling them that I was neglecting him because I was mentally ill.  This went on for years, without me knowing, so my son kept being refused help and support and his diagnosis of autism was delayed by about two years because of it.

Silly little things like making fun of what I was wearing to work or making comments about how my son wasn't happy about being left because he was insecure and that sort of thing.

It's a bit jumbled, I know, I'm just writing stuff as it comes into my head.  But I wondered today - does it suit her better to have a 'crap' daughter?  By that I mean, does she prefer saying to people "My daughter's mentally ill, her son's got learning difficulties because she neglected him so badly, she doesn't work and she won't let me see him" (which is what she tells people) rather than saying "My daughter is raising a disabled child single handed, she works part-time and she's doing a really great job with him".

I feel like she sabotaged me?  I know it sounds silly, but my sister, who was married, had children with no health problems and who didn't suffer from depression, she happily childminded for full time for eight years - 8.30 to 3.30, five days a week.  I was on my own, had a little boy with special needs and was working really hard to get rid of my depression and stop it coming back - and she did as little as she possibly could and made it clear she resented what she was doing.

One silly little thing that's just popped into my head was my thirtieth birthday.  I asked her if he could stay the night at hers so that I could go to a club - we weren't going to home much before 3/4 o'clock in the morning.  She said fine, he stayed at hers, I had my night out, drank loads, got home at half past three - and she was knocking on the door at 8am saying she was going shopping (it was a Sunday and none of the shops open before 11).  It's not a big deal, but even then I felt like she just didn't want me to have a good night out and a lie in the next day.

Sorry, it's a bit of a confusing post    I've even confused myself a little bit!  But do you think that's something that some people do - they'd rather say you're having a crap life than help you have a good one?

[nolongeraslave]

It makes me wonder if she knows how bad it makes her look if she says "My daughter is so bad." A lot of people look at what the parents did if a kid is so "crappy."  Do these N moms realize how it makes THEM look? People will wonder "What is the mom doing wrong that's causing the kid to be crappy?" My mom used to come home and tell me, "I tell all my co-workers about how you don't do any housework and how you obsess about stupid things (I had bad OCD). They tell me that you're very immature and that you should get a taste of the real world!" 

Gee, what a great thing to tell a 15 year old struggling with depression and OCD!

It sounds like her agenda is to make her look the savior mom and that you're causing her pain.  It sounds like she's sabotaging your happiness, when these moms won't admit it.  They say they will do things for you, but screw it up in an unspoken way. You can never trust them!

[sKePTiKal]

Tups,

Sorry to say, but it sounds like your mom has designated you the "scapegoat".

[debkor]

I think they (make you have the life) they think you should have (even if it's not true).  And why do they do this?  Becaise they can.

I was told stories from N friend (about my life) that was not true/never happened.  And told stories about her's ..that was not true/never happened.
And what did happen (never happened from her) unless it was solmething she wanted to keep.

And that above sounds real confusing.....Because it is!
And that is life knowing an N.

Is it all about image?  Yes I think it is and not only can they do magic with thiers they can do more magic with yours/ours/the worlds....to whatever they want when they play (let's pretend).

And what's more scary is the lies and then the lies for the lies of the lies....become a story and life of it's own.  It becomes (somewhat of a reality for them) even though it's not reality.

Love
Deb

[Twoapenny]

Hi NLS,

You know, I think she likes the drama?  If I call my friends and ask about their kids it's usually a nice conversation - yep, they're fine, one's done this, the other's done that, blah blah blah.  I don't think my mum wants to be able to say we're all happy and doing well - she's got to have something going on that people feel sorry for her about.  It's really odd.

Hey, PR,

Yep - official scapegoat right over here!  Funnily, I used to be the GC and my younger sisters were the ones that she hated.  Then I started to have an opinion and to want to do things for myself.  She tried to pull me back into line, I resisted and bam - roles were switch literally overnight.

I don't talk to my younger sister but have heard on the grapevine that she has divorced her husband (who my mum was always slagging off) and moved onto the same street as my mum.  I feel like I want to scream "Run!  She's sucking you in - she'll have you, your kids and every ounce of anything you have left in you".  But of course I can't.  I just keep focusing on me, my life and making it good for my son.

Hi Deb,

You're right, I think she sees her fantasy as the truth.  She slips up though.  I have been going through years of medical and social service records going through the accusations she has made against me.  They've changed over time and they all conincide with times I had big rows or disobeyed her.  On their own, they're plausible.  Start to cross reference them, and you can see they aren't truthful.  It's a lot of paperwork to plough through.  I've been told I've got enough for a legal case against her, but I don't know if I want that?  Part of me feels like the best justice I can get is to live a happy, healthy life without her in it, you know?

Thank you everyone for your responses, they help a lot.

[nolongeraslave]

Hi NLS,

You know, I think she likes the drama?  If I call my friends and ask about their kids it's usually a nice conversation - yep, they're fine, one's done this, the other's done that, blah blah blah.  I don't think my mum wants to be able to say we're all happy and doing well - she's got to have something going on that people feel sorry for her about.  It's really odd.

Reminds me of the people who say "I hate drama. What's wrong with you", yet they are the ones that cause it. They want other people to be on their side. It reminds me of a facebook friend who advertised how I wronged her on facebook...just to get several people to validate her.

Yep - official scapegoat right over here!  Funnily, I used to be the GC and my younger sisters were the ones that she hated.  Then I started to have an opinion and to want to do things for myself.  She tried to pull me back into line, I resisted and bam - roles were switch literally overnight.

Same here. I was the GC and was constantly told how horrible my brothers were. Once I asserted myself, she would run off and complain about to me to my brothers.  When I told her, "Didn't you hate them years ago?" She would say "No, I never said that." What's said is that I believed all of the lies she spread about my brother. Now, I know the truth.