Continued healing

[Twoapenny]

I have spent my life trying to avoid this pain.  But for the past dozen years the way I have coped is to shut down.  I finally figured out that putting myself in action triggered painful anxiety anticipating the humiliation to come from my parents.  That is where I am.  Right in the middle of this pain, learning not to cover it up.  What I do to cover it now is zoning out for hours on the Internet.  But I am agreeing to let the big time offenders go for a while. 

I either function or sit still.  I may have to include unscheduled television as well. It is time to let the pain in and move through it.  I know I can do this.  I am stuck in young childhood, longing for the help I needed from my parents, the instruction and encouragement and support that was replaced with humiliation instead. 

GS, It does lift and get easier eventually, although not in one big chunk, I've found, waves and puddles is the image that springs to mind.  I would say try not to give yourself a hard time about the way you cope with dealing with this.  If you need some hiding under the duvet time, getting lost on the internet, watching back to back box sets then go for it.  I have found it helpful to tell myself I deserve this as a treat or reward for dealing with something so difficult and make it into a bit of an event; choose a box set or a stack of films I've been wanting to watch but haven't got round to, put a fresh cover on the duvet, get some pillows and drinks and nice snacks, almost make it like a celebration that you're choosing to work through this and yes, it hurts and yes, it's horrible but you're dealing with it and the least you can do for yourself now, I think, is to make the way you deal with it as comfortable as you can.  A lot has been written about parenting yourself if your own parents didn't give you what you needed and what I found was missing from my life was comfort, big cuddles on the sofa if I wasn't well, loving hugs, time spent choosing clothes to wear or helping with homework or making costumes for so and so's party.  I have, and do, try to give myself that not, and I don't always manage it but I do know that doing it helps and it does start to repair some of the damage.  Be kind to yourself.  Be your own mum, give yourself a big cuddle, make a snoozy space up on the sofa and snuggle into it when you need to.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[lighter]

Here is a link to a site I just joined recently.  The newsletter is at the top right of the page, and I'm ordering the Buddha's Brain book on CD today.

 http://www.rickhanson.net/writings/books/buddhas-brain/

Another site that  helps understand the child that goes into a turtle shell to cope with early trauma, what I believe you're explaining in your most recent post,  is in the webinar about coaxing out avoidant children..... it's the 9th webinar down...
STRATEGIES FOR ENGAGING AVOIDANT AND RESISTANT ADOLESCENTS, which might give you important insights about the part of you that shut down all those years ago.
  http://www.suwscarolinas.com/about/webinars-workshops/

I'm sending you Amazon strength  to engage this abyss of pain, and get you through to the other side.  You've got to go through it, GS.

 It won't kill you.

 It's a messenger, and it has many things to tell you.

((((GS))))

Lighter 

[Twoapenny]

Just wondering how you are doing, GS, as you don't seem to have been online as much recently.  Hope you are doing okay xx

[Gaining Strength]

Two penny, thank you for asking.  Thank you so much for noticing.  You have no idea what it means to me.

Honestly, it has been a pretty bad summer.  But I believe I am going deep into very early trauma and that it is healing.  I hope to find the light very soon. 

How are you?

[Hopalong]

Sending light and comfort, (((((((((((GS)))))))))).

I'm sorry it's been so hard this summer.
For me, the heat doesn't help the intertia issues, either.

Love and hope for you,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

GS, what do you hope is on the other side of your struggles? What do you WANT on the other side? (They may not be exactly the same things.)

And you know what? if you get there, and it IS what you hoped and wanted... but you don't want it WHEN you are there, you can do/be something else, too.

I have to remind myself about this a lot, because it's too easy to get locked into what we SHOULD hope & want for ourselves (according to other people) instead of really getting to know what it is we do want.

[Twoapenny]

Two penny, thank you for asking.  Thank you so much for noticing.  You have no idea what it means to me.

Honestly, it has been a pretty bad summer.  But I believe I am going deep into very early trauma and that it is healing.  I hope to find the light very soon. 

How are you?

((((((((((((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry it is so tough at the moment.  Going into some of these things is so, so hard.  I hope it starts to ease up a little.  It's hard not knowing how long it will take.  But little by little things shift and start to resettle themselves, hopefully in a way that is easier to manage.  Hang on in there.

I'm doing fine   We actually have some sun in the UK at the moment, lol, it's a miracle!  So I'm trying to get outside as much as possible and top up the Vitamin D levels

We are all thinking of you xx

[Gaining Strength]

I wrote something I want to share here.  It may be premature as has been the case often during my struggles but something feels different this time and even if it isn't I know progress is being made.

"Jon Kabat-Zinn's Loving Kindness meditation asks us to remember being loved by someone and if that is not possible to imaging being loved.  After months and months of practicing this meditation something happened today for me, a shift of some kind.  And suddenly I see, feel (as opposed to know) that throughout my entire life, love and obligation were confused, that love and performance were tied together. And while shame is still the predominant feeling coursing through my veins I think the earth may have tilted and the destructive sense of shame may begin to give way to the life giving energy of love.  It is odd how I am seeing my past and present in such a different perspective.could this be possible?"

I see into the struggles both before and after my husband died.  I especially see into my extreme struggles to connect to my mother.  Neither she not my father were capable of love. Each one acted out of something different - my father acted out of obligation and called it love, my mother acted out of fear of being alone and called it love.  Neither was love and both were profoundly damaging to me.

Today I am able to tap into a true feeling of love.  It is somewhat fleeting but I know that as I continue to practice the mindfulness meditations that connection will grow and as it does, the omnipresence of shame will diminish.  I have lived in under the shadow of shame my entire life and it has left me caught in a wheel of desperation and despair, running harder and harder and falling farther and farther behind.  Life has been impossible living in shame. 

Today the light crept in and I believe it will grow.  I am fully aware of the feeling of inadequacy, not deserving, failure and all the various forms of shame I have written about and struggled against.  The inability to clean,,organize, complete tasks and on and on has been 100% about shame.  And now, I am able to face it head on, name it and not be completely paralyzed, not need to hide.  I know where the shame came from and that I did not deserve it.  And finally, with work and practice, I can tap into a feeling of love which is the light to shine into the darkness of shame.

With trepidation I am going to press the Post button and put this declaration out into the world, starting with this safe place that gave me a platform to begin this difficult journey.

Thanks to all who have weather this with me. It has certainly been a long journey.

[lighter]

(((GS)))

I believe writing them down helps us learn, internalize, and keep the hard lessons.  In fact, maybe it's the best way to hang on, sometimes by our fingertips, and keep the lessons at hand.... where we can touch them, turn them over, examine them, and maybe make friends with them? 

And posting it here means you're not only sharing... you're also teaching.

Teaching is the next step in learning/healing, IME.

I'm so glad you hit POST.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I am so glad you have experienced love, GS...and so moved that you have persisted until you were able to be its channel for yourself.

That is beautiful and so hopeful.

(And you know I understand the paralysis thing. I'm better too, fits and starts. I'll never been an automatic functioner, it'll always require a dialogue with myself--"This is what I want to do, it feels good to be doing this now"--without being ashamed of how hard it's been when I've been anxious.

love
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

How goes it GS? Has Richard gone back to school yet?