Dismissiveness - the scars of living amonst the Ns

[Gaining Strength]

In the past 3 days, I have had more offers from friends and acquaintences, even my former sister-in-law (who was never nice to me until the past year or two - go figure) to help me with child care and who have called to see how I am doing, offers of dinner and the like.  I have had zero such phone calls from my mother, either of my brothers or either of my sisters-in-law.  My in town brother and sister-in-law have chosen not to come by the hospital.  I kept my two brothers informed until Tues.  Now I am done. None are nice to me.  My "duties" to them are over.  I'm so slow getting this stuff.  I know it but I still am "getting" it.  The journey from brain to heart is a VERY S-L-O-W trip.

[Gaining Strength]

CB - the fear of the adult children of my father's wife is that he would NOT die but continue his raging and demanding.  In truth, their fear is not about him at all but that she will be worn down.  In that regard, it is a legitimate fear.

You are 100% correct about the hospital staff - doctors, nurses, social worker etc.  I have been able to navigate better thanks to your advice.  I will give a few more details later (not TOO many) but that is excellent advice.  My goal is to get him to "skilled nursing" at a home.  He is being dismissed on Tues.  Skilled nursing is paid for by medicare.  If he goes home ALL expenses are out of pocket.  I hope to talk his wife into agreeing to go into a nursing home as a sort of step in between hospital and home.  I think she might agree to that (even though I don't think he will ever make it home.)

Funny enough, the past two days he has been mostly sleeping (due to a new bipolar drug) but when he is awake he is still astonishingly demanding - even in a semi-conscious delirium.  Very interesting.  (no dementia - he recognizes everyone.)

[Gaining Strength]

Hops - good advice.  Releasing it is not so difficult, recognizing that that longing still resides within is what has been difficult.  It resides at such a deep and unconscious level.  That is the problem.

[Gaining Strength]

Well - my father died tonight - three hours shy of his 82nd birthday.

I was trying to figure out what I was going to do about notifying my brothers.  I had decided that I was not going to call them.  It is all such a no-win situation - damned if I do and damned if I don't.  then it occurred to me that I would ask my mother to call them. 

I had been at the hospital until 7:45.  My son was at my mother's.  I got something to eat and went over there and watched the end of the Super Bowl and my phone rang - 9:03 - the hospital room.  I knew.

I called my child in to let him know  He said in his child way - "now we have that in common."  I have never lost a parent and he has never known life without such a loss.

My brother who lives in another state called my father's wife after my mother called him.  None of them called me.  But then again I didn't call them either.  Decided on Tuesday that I was done dealing with all these unkind people who end every phone conversation (they are infrequent - about 4 per year) with, "I love you" even though it is beyond obvious that they are mere words with ZERO substance behind them.  Each time they proffer them I ask myself, "Why are they saying that??????"  And I stilll don't know!

When I got back to my mother's house after the funeral home came to take the body, her house was locked and all the lights were out.  What a welcome.  What in the world would I expect.

dismissiveness everywhere I turn.

I have so much more to write but I am getting tired and am praying for sleep.  So much to do tomorrow.

[BonesMS]

Well - my father died tonight - three hours shy of his 82nd birthday.

I was trying to figure out what I was going to do about notifying my brothers.  I had decided that I was not going to call them.  It is all such a no-win situation - damned if I do and damned if I don't.  then it occurred to me that I would ask my mother to call them. 

I had been at the hospital until 7:45.  My son was at my mother's.  I got something to eat and went over there and watched the end of the Super Bowl and my phone rang - 9:03 - the hospital room.  I knew.

I called my child in to let him know  He said in his child way - "now we have that in common."  I have never lost a parent and he has never known life without such a loss.

My brother who lives in another state called my father's wife after my mother called him.  None of them called me.  But then again I didn't call them either.  Decided on Tuesday that I was done dealing with all these unkind people who end every phone conversation (they are infrequent - about 4 per year) with, "I love you" even though it is beyond obvious that they are mere words with ZERO substance behind them.  Each time they proffer them I ask myself, "Why are they saying that??????"  And I stilll don't know!

When I got back to my mother's house after the funeral home came to take the body, her house was locked and all the lights were out.  What a welcome.  What in the world would I expect.

dismissiveness everywhere I turn.

I have so much more to write but I am getting tired and am praying for sleep.  So much to do tomorrow.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Bones

[CB123]

Strength,

I am so sorry.  I know that you have all kinds of conflicting feelings right now.  I hope you slept last night a little bit.  Be kind to yourself today. 

Love
CB

[sKePTiKal]

Oh, my dear, dear, dear friend....

I read your post & lost the focus in my eyes - and brain - and had to start over! I'm so, so sorry...

your son sounds like quite the perceptive young man! He was trying to connect with you, I think... and in his way, comfort you, too. What he told you was touching, to me... there is probably a lot of healing for both of you in that space.

Having just gone through this with MIL, the only thing I learned that I can offer you... that might help... is that often the outer representations of people and the way we perceive them when dealing with loss and death aren't always what they seem. That said - you will have an opportunity to strongly, directly, and positively connect with some people; they just won't be the people you'd expect to be able to do this with.

Please do breathe in, luxuriate in those positive connections. They'll help quite a bit.

[Lollie]

Gaining Strength,
I am so sorry for your loss. Please take gentle care of yourself.
Lollie.

[Hopalong]

Dear ((((((((GS))))))))),

I am glad he is released from his misery.
I hope the great peace of the universe comforts you and M.

And your mother in her loss.

Gentle thoughts with you...

love to you,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Hi there... I just wanted to pop in and say I'm thinking of you and sending you maw-maw energy.

Hot cocoa, wrapped in warmth, hugs until the tears stop and you "come up for air", talk when you want, or just comfortable silence - the silence of being together and not having to explain yourself; of being understood... when a simple touch can take your breath away with profound understanding - connection.

I know you're incredibly busy right now. And tired - exhausted to the depths - even emotionally.

So you don't have to reply unless you're ready. That day will come, as surely as this one did. In the meantime, just know I'm thinking of you and wishing you all that you need right now, right around you.

[debkor]

Hi GS,

I'm sorry and I am thinking of you in these difficult times.  We are here for you.

Love
Deb

[Gaining Strength]

often the outer representations of people and the way we perceive them when dealing with loss and death aren't always what they seem.

Important reminder.  Thank you PR.

Learned yesterday or day before that father wrote his children out of his will Nov. 15th because we "illegally had him committed in 2007."  Up until that revision he had left us each $100,000 in order to keep us from contesting the will.  I learned all of this from an affidavit that he never intended for me to see.

I have learned that he did a number of things telling one person one thing and another a different.  He told me before he married his wife in Jan 2008 that he was leaving every thing to her but a day ago I read his post-nup in which he and she agreed that all they came into the marriage with would be left to their own children.

My father was a decorated war hero from Korean war.  I made arrangements through the army to have his coffin draped with a flag and have an honor guard at the funeral with taps played.  His widow gave that flag to her youngest grandson who was named after her late husband.  Nice!  Oh and had the gall to ask me the day after the funeral right in front of the 16 year old's parents if IIII would go to the funeral home and see about getting a wooden display box for "Johnny's" flag.

Honest to g*d, I will NEVER understand people. NEVER.

I went to the funeral home but I did not ask about the box. 
But the funeral home came to her that day and she made arrangements for the box and then reported it to me when she first spoke to me later that day.  Nice!

[sKePTiKal]

Oh yes... my dad pulled a major fast one like that, too... and brother & I had to try to find a way - right then & there - to clean up the mess he made, legally.

But hey - how are YOU in all this? It sounds like something way huge has shifted for you... and while I expect that takes some time to really settle, before you'll be able to know what it all is... how are you doing? You sound....

well, more whole for one thing...
and really clear...
and really, really, really strong...

like you might be finding a non-aggressive way to "fight back" against the injustices... and stand up for yourself... and that it's easier now, to call it like it is... but it's no longer the weight it used to be, holding you back...

and maybe that's just what I'm hoping for you, wrapped up in what my imagination "heard" in what you wrote...

[Gaining Strength]

I don't feel stronger or clearer.
I definitely feel more dismissed than ever.
I have a whole other topic of dismissiveness that I want to write about but feel too tired and worn down to do it.
Really hating this world right now - hating being stuck living in it and raising a child in it. Trying to figure out how to participate in a way that will pave things for him to find out how to live a decent life.  Not sure how to do that.  Good friends and strong family would be the simplest concept but I have never had luck with that and wouldn't have a clue as to how to direct him in that accord.

[sKePTiKal]

Yes, I'm sure you are tired! Beyond tired even...

your topic will wait until you're rested. I well know that a space of days and maybe even weeks is needed to "adjust and recover" from what you've been through. Maybe you'll even want to start over, later...

I get this:

Really hating this world right now - hating being stuck living in it and raising a child in it.

I think you're really entitled to this feeling, so I'm not gonna try to talk you out of it. You're looking beyond it, anyway, to what you really want. To me, that's coming across loud & clear... and strong.

Take care and let the changes settle in, sweetie.