Dismissiveness - the scars of living amonst the Ns

[Hopalong]

I am so sorry he wrote you out of his will, GS...that is brutal.

And does he not leave anything to your mother, or only to his new wife?

Oy, the flag. Unbelievable.

(But you know, if a flag is about honor, you are the person who displayed honor. Keep that with you, even though you may not have the piece of cloth.)

I wonder if you made a request to have another flag, for M (without telling M, in case the answer is no) -- might they provide you one? Or perhaps there will be some other totem he can have one day.

I imagine you are just exhausted. This is one of the hardest transitions there is, and for you, every step of the way has been triggering.

Much rest, and peace, and good care of your body and your soul...you WILL come through this, (((((((((((GS))))))))))).

There is another side. This is a chapter, not the book.

with love,
Hops

[James]

GS............For me trying to understand other people never really worked. It often led to behaviors on my part that left me frustrated, helpless and not heard......more pain!  Without being fully aware of it I was trying to give others what I really needed. I was "asking" in my actions/thoughts without saying a word. At first when I realized what I was doing I felt crushed and ashamed. Then very quickly these feelings gave way to profound sadness as I felt the emotional impact of what happened  Then my sadness  and anger gave way to forgiveness and empathy for myself.  Who wouldnt have compassion and understanding for children growing up in emotional deprivation??? Point is I dont need to understand others I just need to understand myself..........the more I do it my ability to understand others comes naturally. Then its a whole lot easier to see whos doing what to whom and why. Make any sense to you?  

[Gaining Strength]

Hops - thanks for noticing about the flag.  It's not actually about "the piece of cloth", it is the being utterly dismissed - yet - again.  It is such a callous action - small but callous and it actually motivated my out of town SIL to pick up the phone and call.  She was angry and hurt for her husband - just finding the whole thing a symbol of a bigger picture.  In this case the symbolism of the flag is far beyond what it appears.

[Gaining Strength]

For me trying to understand other people never really worked.

OMG James - once again you nail a very complex issue and insight in such concision (is that a word.)  Your facility is extraordinary.  Irritating in a jealous sort of way.

Of course you are correct - painfully so.

Without being fully aware of it I was trying to give others what I really needed.

You got it.  I am aware of it but I'm in that place where awareness doesn't release it.  I suspect if I keep it in focus that the shift will come but I hate this place where I don't have and cannot create an "action plan" for getting to that next phase where it moves from my "comprehension" into my being.

Then my sadness  and anger gave way to forgiveness and empathy for myself.

This is where you are light years beyond me.  I have no clue how to transition from where I am to where you are on this - NO clue.

Make any sense to you?

completely.

[James]

GS...................I've struggled to write you for two days. Nothing was making sense and I was feeling a lot of confusion. I asked myself how can I help you. Everytime I started to write everything seemed wrong. The confusion was this. Without being aware of it. I was looking for myself in you. Your approval of me and with that in mind of course I have no control over that. Most importantly I will never be able to find myself in you or any other person. Ive been doing this all my life and I see it everywhere. This explains so much of my curosity about other people. I am drawn to help..........yes, I do want to give.  Now I know whats been going on. I won't burden you with what I needed. Sharing this with you is what I have to offer. It really is a part of the bigger picture of the human condition that lies below human awareness. Make any sense? 

[Gaining Strength]

Well James it is NO burden.  I am appreciative and thankful for your kind offerings from your keen understanding.  Your posts are helpful.  But they would be appreciated even if they do not contain lightbulb concepts.  I find the push and pull of dialogue helps me tremendously in getting at my own stuff whether or not the push and pull on this board is about my stuff.  Actually, I probably learn more about myself when the subject is someone else because the emotion and does not cloud the discovery or the surgical exploration.

I expect that I and others might learn something of value about ourselves from anything you might share, including about what it is that you needed.

My life and my struggles seem to get more complicated and convoluted daily.  Honest to pete I don't think anyone here would even believe it.  Hoping to have time to write more very soon.  I may just do that tonight off line and then paste it in tomorrow or later.

[sKePTiKal]

Hey GS...

writing offline & then pasting is something I do, from time to time, when I'm not real sure what I'm trying to say - or that it makes any sense (even to me) or I just have an iffy connection. I think sometimes it helps me get "clearer" about what I'm trying to say... or if I even have anything to say.

[Gaining Strength]

Post mortem is the pits.
Learning about some of the nasty things my father said about me to lots of people.
some of it made up and some of it simply expressing his dislike for me - something he never had the balls to convey in person.

Did I tell you that the psychiatrist in the hospital said that he told her that he had a life-long successful strategy of getting his way by intimidating those around him?

It looks like his wife of 3 years has been systematically working a system to get him to leave his $Ms to her.  Found a 2008 post-nup in which each of them agrees that what they brought in to the marriage will go to their children.

found another document in which my father's accountant's wife requests a copy of his 1999 will be sent to him.
Then I found a  Nov. 15, 2010 affidavit in which someone at the law firm which rewrote his will explains that he leaves us out b/c we "illegally committed" him to the psych ward.  In that affidavit the woman who is writing it says that the new will drops the $100,000 to each child b/c that was only included as a disincentive of contesting the will.

The Nov 2010 will leaves everything to his wife and then gives the remainder away to a church (that he didn't go to but his father did) and a local college that his father supported (his father died in 1982) but which he has never paid any attention to.

So he entered the marriage planning to leave his money to his children and then suddenly in July of this past year he changes that to $100,000 and then drops that in Nov.

There is so much more that I don't feel like detailing.  So this "nice" "Christian - fundamentalist, woman" has been conspiring to make sure that my brothers and I and our sons get NADA. 

I get a call from her last night - "Just calling to say I love you and your little boy."
Next call - "There is a waiver in your mail box for you to sign and mail."

The waiver is a document by which I would waive my rights to contest the will.
There is no will attached to the waiver so that I would know exactly what I am waiving my rights to.

What a nice world.

She spent three long years planning this step by step.
Very interesting.

[ann3]

GS,

My condolences to you.

Did I tell you that the psychiatrist in the hospital said that he told her that he had a life-long successful strategy of getting his way by intimidating those around him?

Did you feel validated when the psychiatrist told you this?

Seems there are some issues regarding the will, like:  did your father have mental "capacity"  on 11-15-2010?  &/or was he under his wife's "undue influence" when he cut you & your siblings out of the will?  I wonder about the person who accepted your dad's 11-15-2010 affidavit; did she have no idea of his mental illness?

Please don't sign any waivers until you speak to a lawyer who specializes in Trusts & Estates.  IMO, you need to be represented by a Trusts & Estates lawyer in this thing.

I wonder if your step M set her sights on a mentally unstable, wealthy man & manipulated him into leaving everything to her.

Wishing you all the best GS, hoping you feel a sense of freedom & validation.

ann

[sKePTiKal]

How do your sibs feel about this, GS? For what it might/might not be worth - how does your mother feel about her children being disinherited?

Fling aside as much of the insult to injury (I hear it) as you can... and deep down, how do YOU feel about this? the bare facts?

Before you sign anything... it might also be interesting to know what rights you might have under the circumstances. So that you have the most information you can have to make a decision with... to weigh the pros and cons... about any action open to you (including signing the waiver) before you act. Because right now, wifey needs something from you... and she seems to believe that you'll just oblige her, without thinking of yourself or your son.

UH... 'scuse me? I am of the amateur opinion that you might want to stand up for yourself and son in this odd window of time. This is a one-time opportunity. But, with eyes wide open... with good professional information backing you up... because a.) if your father wasn't of sound mind when all these changes took place... then b.) said changes might be questionable, legally. I might also be wrong, unfortunately. But I think you might want to ask someone more expert than me...

you know?

[ann3]

I agree with Amber.

This is a HUGE red flag:
"I get a call from her last night - "Just calling to say I love you and your little boy."
Next call - "There is a waiver in your mail box for you to sign and mail."

[Hopalong]

Couldn't agree more strongly with Anne's:

Please don't sign any waivers until you speak to a lawyer who specializes in Trusts & Estates.  IMO, you need to be represented by a Trusts & Estates lawyer in this thing.

GS, this would be very hard for me to take in, in the circumstances and fresh emotions you are in the middle of...but I wish somehow I had been able to receive this message when the estate conflict began here. So for what it could possibly be worth:

You really do not have to assess what your stepmother or any other relative's motives are right now. You only have to remain calm -- put on whatever mature detachment you can muster -- and very, very methodically, seek counsel.

From my experience which may or may not be relevant, it was my raw emotion that slowed and hampered my ability to advocate for myself.

For example I always got DISTRACTED by others' apparent needs. Even when they were essentially pressing for something that would damage my hopes! In the first legal meeting with my brother and his attorney, when they kept pressing me to state that my mother was incapable of reviewing any legal matters, I did not have the presence of THOUGHT to hesitate in my "fairness" (just emotion, desire to connect, be loved and accepted...) With the emotional urge to placate and be reasonable, I agreed with them on the spot. And that permanently blocked any later consideration I might have had about contesting the new "surprise" will -- which both I and my attorney concluded was likely a result of manipulation and pressure from my brother.) It may have not been challenge-able, after all. (She did go to the appointment voluntarily.) But still, I blocked opportunities with my emotion-over-detachment thing, in that moment.

Only reason I'm saying all this to you is that I worry that in your turmoil of hurt (and the leak of yearning, yearning, yearning) ... you may NOT advocate for yourself in a clear-minded way. And that's why I strongly echo Anne's advice.

with love,
Hops

[James]

GS.............Yes,  hard to believe. If I had any advice it might be to set your emotions aside as best you can and seek legal advice ASAP. Far away from any of the tentacles your father may have had in the legal world. Thinking of you.....Jim

[sKePTiKal]

You said you met with an elder-care attorney in the hospital. He/she might be a good place to start - at least for a reference to someone impartial (not already involved in your father's affairs) - for a legal "second opinion".

Which is your RIGHT, no matter what anyone says or wants you to sign. That waiver can wait until you've had an expert - who is looking out for YOUR interests - review the whole messy details.

[Gaining Strength]

Ann - thanks for your post. The doctor's comment did put some things in perspective though I wouldn't say validation exactly.  It never occurred to me that my father did these things with malice, especially in my childhood years.  But I had been consulting with an attorney from day one and I am not even touching the waiver much less signing it.

There is so much detail involved in such a convoluted situation that I am only giving portions but the affidavit was not my father's but some person on staff at the law firm that was handling the will. Without question my brother is looking for the best and the brightest in the attorney department.

PR - our disinheritance doesn't even register for my mother.  She doesn't care one way or another.  That is a whole other story.  She doesn't even seem to register that she will no longer be getting her alimony which I asked her for YEARS to talk to her attorney about getting a life insurance policy on.  Now I have NO sympathy for her.  She has more than enough to get through her last years but she is beyond irresponsible and that is a whole other conversation.  

Her financial adviser contacted me in late November very, very, concerned about her spending.  In this regard I set up an appointment with an elder care attorney.  Then arranged a meeting with my mother, her attorney and her financial adviser.  In preparation for those meetings I learned that my mother had NO home owners insurance.  She owns her home outright but has zero insurance.  When I confronted her with this she yelled at me and declared that it was her house and she would do with it what she wanted to.  By the time the meeting with the financial adviser and attorney came about she told them both right in front of me that she had made arrangements but that the insurance salesman had not gotten back with her with the paper work.

Long story short the financial adviser made phone calls and ascertained that she had NO insurance still.   I also let them know that she continued to rack up credit card debt and paid only the interest charges.  She has done this in the past and spent as much as $15K on interest alone.  One of the maxed out cards is one she agreed to pay off 2 years ago.  She added another one since and maxed it out.

When the financial adviser told her that she needed to pay them off out of her checking account she became enraged - not yelling but visibly shaking with anger.  I went by her house later that day to pick up the payments which she had sealed in an envelope.  Surprise, surprise - partial payments on both with stubs dated Jan 9th.

Then yesterday, I saw her at a funeral, she asked me why I was mad at her.  I told her I was at the end of my rope with her lying.  "I don't know what you are talking about!  What lie did I tell!"  As though Monday never happened.  Clearly there is no capacity to have an honest dialogue - it simply doesn't exist.

This is true insanity.

What really gets me is one of my brothers is astounded by the manipulative capacity of my father's widow to connive to keep everything for herself and be "devoid of emotion".  When I mentioned that our mother was much like that he said he didn't see that at all.  I wish to heavens I could be as blind as they are.  It would reduce my frustration and loneliness immensely.