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Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..

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Meh:
I'm intensely engulfed in my life, I think it's justified for me to have all of this self-centered energy right now and yet I still question it a little bit. This doesnt represent balance.

I had this friend in high-school that I dearly miss, we would sit on the beach near railroad tracks and we could share anything with each other.
That kind of exchange has not been a part of my life for a long while especially not with the kinds of conversations I have had, mostly the conversations are a monitoring process and proving that I am staying on track and doing what I'm suppose to be doing--that's very authoritarian. Friends are not authoritarian at all instead friends meet each other on common ground-that almost seems like a surreal space. I still can't explain the friendship I had with this person from highschool it was just so different like it was from another planet.

I'm tired, G'Night!

lighter:
MB:

Perhaps you ca rekindle that connection with your old highschool friend?

It sounds like it was a healthy reciprocal relationship that built you up.

Hope you slept well.

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
WOW MB....

Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of fun happy things you have to talk about! I'm so happy for you!

It sounds like your methodical detail oriented self is exactly what will compliment the director's 40 directions at once, social butterfly director needs. Someone to help keep her on track, you know? Keep her focussed on the goals, while you're attending to the details necessary to meet those goals. Perfect.

Grant writing... well... it's probably not as hard as it sounds. Usually, you'll have instructions about the form the grant will need to take - and a list of things that need to be submitted. And the creative spark - well, that's probably going to be explained to you by the director... so all you'll have to do is "translate" it into the form that the instructions lay out. Maybe you can look at some other successful grant applications, too - for some ideas.

In reference to your worry... feeling not good enough too... at one point, I realized the actual feeling I was feeling was actually excitement and anticipation - looking forward to something... but that I'd learned (god knows where/how) to interpret this feeling in my mind, negatively instead... as anxiety and worry and self-doubt. And when I allowed my mind to look at it as excitement... yes, yes it really was... and though I wanted to do well... I was able to relax into that feeling of wanting to do well... and figure out what that required; how it would be measured and that enabled me to do well... instead of "experiencing" that feeling as anxiety, worry, self-doubt.

I don't know if this is just something weird about me... but I thought I'd share it, in case you want to try this and see if it works for you too. Because when I realized my feeling was excitement instead of dread/worry... I was able to pat myself on the back and just enjoy a private smile to myself about those things... ok, maybe I did a little "happy dance" when no one was looking, too! 

;)

Meh:
So tired right now, cooked a big batch of teriyaki chicken for the shelter, it took all night to defrost, marinade and bake. I have never cooked big bunches of food before oh well, must appease the forces that be. Attempted to make foodbank fare into gourmet meal, didn't quite work out. Live and learn. I think I made one new friend at least for the attempt. I can't believe this week has gone by so fast.

As I was standing in the foodbank line today, snow started blowing around, it's formed a white blanket now and I'm in bed wondering what the morning will look like. I think I may have come a little closer to some kind of forgiveness for my own sake.

While I was standing there I thought it was like a scene from a movie.

I didn't go to the ACOA meeting tonight. Maybe next week.  

lighter:
I hope you slept well, Muffin.

Lighter

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