Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..

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Meh:
Today I found out that the director wants the grant today even though the deadline wasn't until the end of next week. She never told me she would want it by today so I think there are some communication problems. It wasn't complete and I thought maybe she is sort of ticked off at me. I gave it over to her in outline/brainstorm form. In reality that is probably best because she likes to edit extravagantly. I don't know how much I am helping or not but she keeps giving me more stuff to do. Exciting stuff.

Oddly, one of the other community groups hasn't fulfilled an important key piece and I offered to help...but I think they are the group that has the paid intern.

I'm sticking with it despite it not being a wonderfully organized effort. I get bogged down with a careful mind that wants to really get all the little details figured out so it takes me longer to "get stuff" sometimes. I forwarded an article to the director that I thought would be helpful for the project and she said it was a good article for her to have because she had no idea about a particular community concept---it's actually what the grant is all about. So I don't know if that made me feel better knowing that the director doesn't even fully get it or not--one thing is for sure, some people are more comfortable throwing themselves into something feet first. I pretty much have to measure all around and stick a telescope there before I tip toe in... not leap in. I noticed that all of the documents she produces have errors in them and she likes to chit-chat about random stuff A LOT during times that are focus times. So it's a challenge in different personalities. I think what I have learned is that I need to know what to ask for (all of the supporting documentation) way ahead of time. I have never been comfortable "winging it", EVER. That is sort of my control freak part.    

Surprisingly to me the director offered me another grant to work on!.......so...um.....I think that is yay!?.... It is YAY!!!... I'm GLAD!!!!

I'm pleased and trying to forgive myself for not perfecting the first grant. BUT in the process I did find a new inspiration for something else that I think is very cool.

Meh:
These community projects and this director's "winging it style" make my head swim so I take that as a sign that I'm learning something new.

I thought about knitting and how when I taught myself there were points that I agonized over --a feeling like I was literally squeezing out new brain cells--THE Struggle part--or labor part. Then I got over it--- and I knew---AND I thought "why did that seem so hard?"

So I remind myself of this when I struggle. To be obsessively passionate is good motivation but to do it with some detachment to the outcome is the hard part.

sKePTiKal:
I hope you enjoy this, Muffin! It sounds like you're a valuable asset to the group and learning things yourself all at the same time. Synergy!

I can kinda relate to both personality styles you've described - your very careful, document, back up, explore and know the facts self... and the "winging it" director. I guess I can sorta shift between the two or something like that. The "winging it" side of me shows up less often, but looking back at the times I was making big decisions on the fly... faced with brand-new information and no time to research or "decide"... I don't do too badly. And I found this to be a thrilling kind of fun - like a roller-coaster ride. And it builds a trust and confidence in myself - a simple (and really complex to parse into it's parts) feeling that eluded me for years & years.

But I never, ever saw myself as being that kind of person. Asking me to wing anything would cause a panic attack. I would've described myself as being the one who agonized over every comma and phrase... who wanted to always make something as perfect, right and true as possible. I was always so afraid of making a mistake, getting something wrong - and even choosing wrong. But the other kind of experience above eventually got through my thick head that hey! It's not fatal - nor will the world come to an end - if I make a mistake or choose wrong. I can fix a mistake, deal with what consequences it caused. I can change my mind about my decision...

That realization helped me a whole lot. It's like lowering the risk level. In my mind, I'd raised the level of risk so impossibly high that I scared myself to death and put way too much pressure on myself - and duh... that wasn't much fun. It also threw a huge wet blanket over my creativity, too... automatically lowering my ability; inhibiting myself; reducing my choices. My mantra became: nothing bad will happen.

Now I do both on important things. I exhaustively research and do my homework. And then, I move (mentally) back to the biggest picture perspective I can find: what am I trying to decide and what are the 3 most important things I hope to accomplish? And I roll the dice... trust my intuition (which has already been informed by homework)... and I don't have so much anxiety or worry throughout the whole process. I've learned that it's just not possible to know enough, or be able to predict all possible effects of a decision... and that's less scary than it used to be, since I finally figured out that I'm allowed to change my mind!

I think you'll find yourself learning something similar about yourself through this experience. I really hope you can also enjoy it!

Hopalong:

--- Quote ---and he said something else about how it doesn't matter where men get their sexual fantasies from as long as they take it home to their wife
--- End quote ---

Not that I do this myself, of course...what follows is just a fantasy of what going autopilot with healthy boundaries would be like, using this good sample scenario. Again, not me, but fantasy-Hops (after much more practice):

1) Conversation underway.
2) Vibe is beginning to feel unpleasant. (I alert to my inner voice.)
3) Man says this.

I immediately and calmly walk away (without drama, explanation, or tension).

I forget about it within a few moments.

I do this automatically out of habitual self respect and comfort with my sturdy self.

HOOO-AHHHH! The world is a better place.
(World hasn't changed. Fantasy Hops has.)

Just felt delightful to write that down. Visualization-wise.
(I am after all, into writing fiction).

I believe every single encounter is an opportunity for practice.
(Perfection is off the table). For me, it's encouraging to think "practice".
Doesn't matter if I blow it.

Thanks MB,

Hops

sKePTiKal:
Hops: laughing loudly and long and THEN walking away is also effective!

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