Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..

[Meh]

The Clock Of Life ~ Robert Smith


The clock of life is wound but once,
And no man has the power
To tell just when the hands will stop
At late or early hour.

To lose one's wealth is sad indeed,
To lose one's health is more,
To lose one's soul is such a loss
That no man can restore.

The present only is our own,
So Live, Love, toil with a will --
Place no faith in 'Tomorrow' --
For the clock may then be still.

[Meh]

Currently gorging on chocolate milk for Valentines Day!

Today I went to the little Buddhist meditation sitting, yawned a few times and then the last yawn gave me the worst feeling in my tongue, neck and head as if a migraine was going to take over my whole body. A full body migraine.

I don't know if its due to bottled up emotional stress or if my musculature is screwed up from the horrible mattress that I sleep on.

I'm tired, I don't have anything else to write now...only that I sneak out of the meditation hall as fast as I can afterwards so I don't have so stand there drinking tea and talking to people. I know it's weird but it's close to my worst nightmare. I'm ok with talking to people if there is a task at hand but not so comfortable with meet and greet...and I'm an adult. I guess it's painful shyness and I never fully grew out of it.

Well I certainly wasn't going to stand there with a full body migraine happening. I just wish I had a really hard mattress to lay on in a completely quiet place in complete darkness--that's my idea of a lovely Valentines Day.

[Meh]

Thank you. I really had no idea that chocolate and caffeine trigger headaches!

[Meh]

I went to a yoga class tonight and it's the best thing I have done for months. I'm grateful that the teacher permits non-paying students because I did my laundry with shampoo today. Guess what? My laundry came out great

Sometimes all the stress in my body doesn't seem to come out during the times that annoy me the most, instead it's like there is a delayed response where my muscles just become tighter and tighter. I have to ask myself is it just me or is it my environment.
As much as I know the parts of my life that are stress inducing and messed up, there is still always a mysterious element about stress to me, the unknown lurking emotions or physical remnants that are left in some muscle or in all the muscles.

Anyways. I volunteered today and it was great!!!!!! But now I'm busy and I have work to do and it's late and I'm not even employed.....oh well!

"Oh Well" is my new motto.

I have one lung that is starting to inhale again just a little bit and I'm smiling just a little bit and I love these kinds of smiles, these are the kinds of smiles that are the best defense against ambient drama and turmoil.

Good Night!!! (SMILE) I love yoga.

[CB123]

Oh Muffin,

You made my day.  Really.  I did not even want to do today, and your post was the first thing I read.  Thank you.

I have a yoga place across the street from my apartments.  Today I check it out.

CB

[sKePTiKal]

It's not just you, MB...

I have about as stressless an environment as one could have... yet I still have emotional crap energy bleeding across into the physical realm... and if I don't find a physical way to release it, I eventually get sick. I wish I could figure out how to notice and deal with it (whatever "it" is) where it belonged, before that happened, you know?

[Meh]

Thats what I mean about stress. It is easy to attribute it to SOMEthing but difficult to tell with accuracy exactly how it's generating.
Of course Buddhists would probably say it's self-generated. It’s a challenge to sit there and chant "no possessions, no honor, no body, no mind" and believe it because I have a body and I want to be healthy and if we didn't have minds we would never try to meditate in the first place but that’s just Buddhism, there are other forms of meditation.

When I was in high- school I gave a presentation about stress reduction! And here I am...many years later and STILL I'm a bit baffled by it, it sounds like many people are in the same boat!

[Meh]

Ok, So I'm going to write it anyways here because I just want to, I live in my own world in my own head and the parts of my life that actually intersect with other people are quite limited. I don't have anyone to complain to. The place where I am staying is warm and has a hot shower and is secure so that is pretty great. It's like having room-mates though, the kinds of room mates you just ended up with but didn't want to have as room mates. There is a young woman here who has been vocally going through a break up with her boyfriend. There’s no real privacy here, every person hears every thing that is said. So her boyfriend accused her of giving him herpes. Then I see one woman giving this other woman a tube of lotion for herpes infections.....and I myself have had some symptoms that I haven’t had before (in my mouth), so I am thinking to myself--did I possibly catch this from the shower knob or a bar of soap or an eating utensil. Technically the virus is only suppose to stay alive for about 20 seconds outside of the body, but I have read that inanimate objects if they are wet or warm, or if a utensil has food particles left on it then the virus may stay alive in that kind of environment. People can get it from towels. So...I'm somewhat pissed off....but there is not a lot I can do about it now.

I'm old enough that I'm not going to freak out if I have it. It's just that I have had about as much romantic action as a nun gets and it would just be one more insult on top of everything else.

I feel like I'm too old and responsible to have to deal with this crap.

So I made a doctors appointment at a community health clinic. So they can tell me one way or another and I won't have to act like a hypochondriac any longer. I can let it go and deal with it if I know what I'm dealing with, I hope. I'm pretty good at self diagnosis, based on what I've seen and read about symtoms I would say that I have it because I felt tingling in my lip (prodromal) symptom...that I have never had before. I don't have anything on my lips that look like typical herpes lesions- but I have had some areas inside my mouth that look abnormal to me. So I'm wondering is this from this person not washing her dishes well enough?

I'm a person who will hover over a toilet seat if I can instead of sitting on it.
I always wash my hands before I eat if there is a sink nearby.
The last job I had all of my co-workers got the flu but I didn't because I'm usually fastidious about hygiene.
Catching herpes from some random object was the furthest thing from my mind lately.
I even wear flip-flops into the shared shower.

This is why I need a little bit of Buddhism to remind me that no matter what sort of crummy stuff happens...all we are is dust in the wind.

Oh well.

Then again, maybe I don't have it because I just bent over and looked at a little red bump on my big toe and screamed (to myself) I even have herpes on my toes! And that is just me being crazy...so I laugh (ha ha).....oh but wait that is called herpetic whitlow. I give up. This really is too much self absorbed worry. I might start inspecting every hair folicle on my legs. OR NOT!  

I'm going to the doctor, I made an appointment earlier today. Unfortunately I also want to apply for a job there. OH WELL AGAIN!!  

I just hope they answer my questions with concrete answers, everything I might have is non-fatal, common and diagnosable.

[Meh]

I have to GET TO volunteer tomorrow again, I have one pair of nice black pants with me, I didn't want to wear the exact same thing so I went out and found a new tunic-top for $2.00 it wasn't even used. It's not something I would normally wear but sometimes I enjoy being forced just to make do and be creative. It's a shirt that looks like a sewing project I had going on, a little bit pear-shaped maternity looking but the pattern is sort of springy. I'm forced just to look at the shirt and know that somebody did make it, there was effort put into sewing it together...so I thought about it from the perspective of-- if I sewed it myself. I'm going to wear it with black pants or jeans and try to look as good as I can and go to my little volunteer gig.

When I have volunteered in the past the roles were pretty basic, passive and "behind the scenes" such as sorting food items, so I'm surprised to find that the roles available to me now are much more active roles.

I wasn’t sure if I would be able to volunteer because my experience in the past has been to be put on a very long waiting list.
So when I was first looking into volunteering I contacted two places. Both places want me to volunteer. I hope that I don't over extend myself, I still need to leave time for work. I just wish I could work part time and volunteer the rest of the time.
So the interview I had today for the second volunteer situation would involve coordinating art projects with kids and doing things like "story time". I'm pretty shy so I don't know how public story time would work for me....but it sounds kind of fun really.

I really am that shy that I don't like to give any kind of public speeches/ talks or whatever even kid's story time is sort of like a public speech...for little people. ...Oh well.  

I enjoy kids books because there are so many great illustrators and writers who are making these now, I'm really impressed with the variety and quality of the children's books I've seen. I grew up with the hungry caterpillar but besides that I don't remember too much out there. I'm just rambling now. I think that being around kids is an excuse to be in touch with the inner child or something like that.

[Meh]

I come here to vent, I realize that maybe it even sounds Narcissistic to come here and write out all my problems, the thing is I don't share my life with anyone, I don't tell all the people around me all of my thoughts because that would mean entering into conflict with other homeless people or something like that- many of them have substance abuse issues etc.--I just don't put it out there, I keep me to me.

I find it helpful just to write it out because then I don't feel so isolated maybe.

People share so many non-important insignificant things with their families and such on a daily basis. Someone to share the minutia with.

~ If you are reading this whoever you may be PRAY for me to get a job ok? Even a good one that leaves a little time left over to continue with the volunteer work would be way beyond my expectations but would be great.

I'm so tired my mind just went blank. Good night.

Oh, I remember, my other "impending doom" that worries are made of.....is that I can't stay where I am at for more then a month unless I do get a job soon! I know that I'm being considered for at least a couple of jobs because I have been in contact via email with employers where I applied...but still I don't have a great feeling about it. I don't want to move really because I'm just starting to get involved in activities here.
Then again maybe I will end up some place "cleaner".....I have no idea sometimes....as much as I try to plan and have a normal schedule I DON'T KNOW!!!! Sometimes I'm just all out of ideas and energy...G'Night.

[sKePTiKal]

Hey, muffin...

how do you feel about some feedback along with prayers for a job? I'm kinda grinning to myself reading your latest posts... you sound like you're in a pretty good space - headwise. These are just random responses...

the "no body" - "no mind" of meditation isn't totally literal... but sometimes the folks who're leading don't know that or just don't know how to explain that... think "transcend" instead "no"...

I hope you do read stories to kids - I think you'll find it very interesting and fun! (but remember these little humans can be a challenge, too!)

"someone to share the minutia with"... yes, I hadn't thought about it this way before; you're right... this is one of things we long for and expect from relationships/intimate connections with people... and I think there's another part of it too - having the other person care about YOUR minutia... you've just given me a way to explain what I mean when I say I want someone - hubs for instance - to spend some time in "Amber's World"... instead of always the other way.

Thank you, Muffin... I care about and enjoy reading about your minutia - and some of your loftier thoughts, too!

[Meh]

I put on my new shirt, took a shower, put on my earrings and walked to my volunteer gig. It feels so good to get dressed up sometimes, it's different for me to enjoy the dress-up process. Usually I want to take my slacks off and put on a stretchy skirt and sit in the grass under a tree.  I've decided to make a creative game out of finding low-cost outfits to wear to my gig. I got there and I thought yay, I'm the springy-est most cheerful person here- maybe it's not true but that is how I felt. The meeting was pretty interesting but I wish I was given more responsibility and at the same time I can't commit to anything major yet. I had to attend a city planning consortium about a project that I'm now working on and there wasn't a cohesive vision for the project, every person represents a different need and interest. I think a college intern will end up being the project manager for the job although I really wanted to volunteer for that responsibility. I'm not sure how to deal with this yet. I don't know if I should have volunteered or not because this is only my second time being there and I'm not the most knowledgeable, but I think I have a good general intuition of the issues because the conversation topics during the meeting were things that I immediately thought of as issues that needed to be addressed. I really only need to make a very minimal amount of money to secure an on-going space as a resident where I am. So I would work as much as they wanted me to for a very modest stipend. I didn't even really think about this.  

I need something like that a modest stipend where someone pays me a dirt cheap wage to do a bunch of work that I love to do and it would be enough just to get my momentum going again.

I'm going to another theater performance tonight. YAY!!!

I'm about as happy as I can possibly make myself at the moment. It's a moderate happy--mainly based on having little things to look forward to.

I have to be careful what I say to people about my personal situation because it can't be interpreted very well. There is a component of the project that requires a dedication of someone's time but no person wants to put in the time. It's not going to start until May or June though and that is too late. It's very low budget until grant money comes in. I don't think I can squeeze myself into that role..

I would do as much work as they wanted me to do for a $200 monthly stipend. I know this has got to be appealing to someone. I'm desperate for any kind of work but real interesting work would be fantastic. Can they utilize me?

I wonder if I should tell the director my personal situation and tell her I will do any kind of work full time for a measly stipend.

I have great reservations about my own qualifications for being a project manager because I don't have formal qualifications.
I have worked in professional settings and I have taken non-violent communication classes etc. etc. I think I understand the challenges and what needs to be done in the position of project manager to make sure the goals are being met, good community relationships are being maintained etc. etc.

I don't know what I should do yet.

I have another idea. I need to go work on something. Will write more later.

[Meh]

@Phoenix:

So you are thinking about "transcend" in a more sophisticated understanding of it-- that is different then "ignore the body" or non-attachment. I like attachment and passion because passion of some sort brings purpose and meaning into my life- that is where I diverge from Buddhism. "no body, no mind, no passion, blah blah"

What does transcend the body mean on that level. I like the idea of EXPAND. That is what I am trying to do personally EXPAND (not literally) but to expand my ideas of how I can find a niche for myself and EXPAND my openness to new opportunities.

"Transcend" seems at odds with tai-chi and body-centered practices- and I find the body centered stuff to be more effective for me.

What do you think?

If I was to embrace transcending the body I would have to think about the idea in a radically different way then I normally do because I have labored just to reconnect with my physicality and to take good care of my body and inhabit it.

People who have gone through some sort of abuse often have these strange detached relationships with their own body?

My experience is that calm, gentle, peaceful, ahimsa type behaviors get me into trouble-- for me I need to be fierce for my selfness.  

I think I can use meditation as a tool but I essentially have belief system differences with it as a spiritual practice.
Reincarnation and eternal spirit are not ideas that I believe in. I believe in temporary spirit incarnated into a physical form.

There is falseness, if the woman leading the meditation group was deep into it wouldn't she not even dye her hair all blond? Just wondering.
No body, no clothes, no possessions, no religion too, no Buddhism...that's more zenish or something.

Oh well.

[Meh]

Lets see there are all sorts of directions. There is transcend, there is descend, there is get rooted, get grounded, get centered, there is expand and contract/retreat. Is transcend to go beyond without leaving it behind?

Going Beyond.

Outside the box.

Breaking boundaries

I think transcend is moving into nothingness. Most house-holders can not be 100% nothingness.

Ouch my foot hurts----transcend?
I don't want to die----transcend?
I hate my mother------transcend?

Honestly, I have no intention of transcending anything, I use meditation for selfish purposes. It's really an attempt to make me feel better in some way. Even the Dali Lama says that Buddhism is against normal human nature....that is why I'm not into it 100%, it's contrived. 

[Hopalong]

MB:

I wonder if I should tell the director my personal situation and tell her I will do any kind of work full time for a measly stipend.

imo, YES!!!!!

Speak!

(Below...everyone has insecurity. And perhaps you don't. BUT, imo, the second part is worth articulating to her regardless of whether you get the job--you can't control the outcome, just the decision to speak or not...because it's practice for confident interviewing. Okay to release the outcome, and realize that you are just in that choice, practicing comfortable speech in your behalf. A good, positive experience of being comfortable as your own advocate.)

I have great reservations about my own qualifications for being a project manager because I don't have formal qualifications.
I have worked in professional settings and I have taken non-violent communication classes etc. etc. I think I understand the challenges and what needs to be done in the position of project manager to make sure the goals are being met, good community relationships are being maintained etc. etc.

Hope this made sense.

Hops