Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..

[Meh]

Last night I was up until midnight googling maps of an old neighborhood where the woman who taught me to ride a bike lived.
I think she is probably deceased because she had a catastrophic illness the last time I saw her when I was a kid.

There are very few people in my life that are constants- the only constants have been the fam.

I was trying to find her death record not because I have hopes of her being alive and well --more because a death record says what day and year she passed away and where she is buried if anywhere.

I think when life is so inconsistent I go back to the only person that made me feel safe you know?

I couldnt remember the name of the street she lived on but I remember it was next an elementary school and I remember what the house looked like and there was a park nearby so I was trying to remember the name of the park. I couldnt figure it out BUT on the google map I saw a museum she took me to and a public rose garden that she took me to and a country-side park she took me to.

Seeing photographs I havent been to since I was a kid sort of freaked me out.....I've come a long way in life...only to end up here!

Childhood stuff always makes me sad but I think I was looking just to have some idea of familiar or something somewhere is the same.

That museum is still there and probably some of the displays inside the museum are the same. Maybe someday I will take a roadtrip and end up there again.

Why do we like to go back to places of our childhood? To me it is like a shocking reference point.

Guess what I have volunteer homework to do. I better go do it 

I have faith in my own evolution and intuition, I don't have faith in the people and world around me.

[Meh]

There is a mother-daughter team here. Mother is a recovering drug addict daughter is 20-something with some type of issue that I'm not sure I want to state because I don't know for sure...ok...maybe anorexic ??

It could be something else...but it's obviously very very serious stage whatever it is...

The mother sometimes talks to the daughter as if the daughter is this total pain in the rear-end...she isn't from what I can see. They were both going out together someone was picking them up and the daughter just needed to grab her coat and a few items (takes 1-2 minutes longer) mother made a big stink about the daughter taking so long--even though she really wasn’t taking an abnormal about of time. (Impatience)--and then the mother turns it into an issue by saying that the daughter is making it difficult for the mother to go out as if the daughter is dependent on her but from what I have witnessed the mother is more dependent on the daughter- asking her for money and for favors etc. etc. I haven’t seen the daughter ask the mother for anything.

Maybe I'm missing something but I think I am actually an observer of a type of emotional abuse, it would be interesting to know more about them but I don't really need to focus on that.

I think there is another woman here who is picking up on it also because she is really nice to the ill 20-something year old.

I have mixed feelings, I don't want to get involved in anyway I have even been warned by the director that as soon the women see me as being part of the turmoil here its not good. So far I'm cheerful and kind of talkative but not groupy.

I'm tempted to ask the daughter what she thinks about her interactions with her mother and what sort of health issue she has but that is not going to come to any good. I mean she has doctor's visits.

[Meh]

I notice how I have a high energy level after I volunteer and then a little bit for the next day and then after that I lose my motivation to work on my little volunteer projects (this is when I am no longer there). When I say energy, it's not just like feeling good, it's that I'm engaged somehow and that I care and that I am motivated. That is the key thing I think...I feel motivated for a while.

I don't know, motivation is like caring about something or feeling good about a goal.

It's not the same as doing something out of fear. I hate when people say a person will be motivated when they are afraid enough or hurting enough. That's more like forced or coerced.

Fear and stress-suffering de-energize me, maybe compels me to act/respond in some way but it's not the same as good energy motivation.

I'm going to call good energy motivation "authentic motivation"

I think stress can over-power authentic motivation--even maybe to the point where a person can become so stressed out that they can't feel the authentic motivation and come to believe that they don't have authentic motivation in something due to lack of interest or connection with the activity when in reality it is stress that is clouding one's ability to experience the reward/joy from authentic motivation?

For example, say I wanted to go to Ireland on vacation and I have been planning it since I was 18 years old, then at some point years later stars align and I'm able to go to Ireland but a couple of days before my flight over there I have a panic attack or I'm so stressed out that I'm no longer excited about the trip that once beckoned to me. Then someone says to me "maybe you have grown out of it or it's no longer important for me to go"....then I may agree with them. When really the problem could have been my stress level not my lack of abilty to be passionate about life in someway.

Why don't we just call depression another word like stression instead?

I just think that when I was younger and the idea that depression and anxiety were real problems --gave me a big misunderstanding about myself.

I was excited when I volunteered because I got to listen to lots of people talk about interesting stuff, then after a few days, got my period and it's blowing freezing cold wind outside, and I just want to lay-down and take it easy. That doesnt make me depressed.

I'm afraid of the depressed label now to the point that if I spend a day just chilling there is like a part of me PUSHing from behind saying GET UP-GO-GET OUT AND FIX SOMETHING---FIX YOURSELF---FIX YOUR LIFE--HURRY---.

It's one thing to say that kids in a nar family maybe have on going stress and that is why they develop depression....and maybe it is another thing to say --kids in a nar family don't have a good understanding or experience of authentic motivation.

I guess I'm writing this because the women in my family do a lot of things with a big sense of grudge and burden as part of the motivation- or at least that is the message I got.

I don't think I had a healthy understanding of authentic motivation because I have had therapists ask me "what makes you happy"--and it was hard for me to answer that question because maybe I didn't understand the nuances of happy.

Maybe some people dont even learn to understand how to respect their own energy level and the fact that they change.

I mean a kid being subdued by parents in an on-going way has got to have poor sensitivity or thinking about their own energy levels--what is normal what is not-

What is my point...I don't know I think it is really just having a type of awareness about feeling good or being inspired.

Really, I think it has just been so long since I was truly motivated and inspired by life..that when I do have the experience it is different.

It makes me wonder how often can a person be inspired and how long can it last?

I wonder what the psychological basis or scientific basis of inspiration is? I never really looked it up.....I will...maybe
Like what does the brain look like when a person is inspired??

I mean inspired has got to be the opposite of depressed.
So inspired is the opposite of stression.

Because happy is probably not the opposite of depression. ---but we have these things in our vocabulary and popular ideas right?

[Hopalong]

This makes complete sense to me:

stress can over-power authentic motivation--even maybe to the point where a person can become so stressed out that they can't feel the authentic motivation and come to believe that they don't have authentic motivation in something due to lack of interest or connection with the activity when in reality it is stress that is clouding one's ability to experience the reward/joy from authentic motivation

And well put, Guest.

I can relate to this.

Thank you.

Hops

[Meh]

I'm writing a lot, I'm going to justify it, maybe there is some Aha in there.

Living a voiceless life is devoid of inspiration for me because I experience it as a dulling of the senses and sensitivities that make me aware to my own feelings and inhibits me from experiencing the aliveness around me.

Why are voiceless people sometimes called over sensitive when they don't have sensitivity to their own needs?

I can put an explanation onto why I decided no contact with my father for about the last 10 years. It is because he discouraged me from doing the things in life that inspired me the most.

(I literally felt a downward moving tingling sensation right on top of my heart area on my chest as I read that last line back to self)
Maybe it was some sadness but I felt it as a movement in my body not as a concept of sad.

Really WHAT are these tingles in our hearts? I mean they are no longer new-age stuff that cow-boy men refuse to talk about.

Are the tingles in my heart area the same thing that makes my energy level go down or go up depending on many factors in me and my life?

I can see not only how I didn't receive as a kid but I can also see how something was taken away from me.
I know it's sounds like victim mentality.....yet there is WAY more to it then that.

To have inspiration cut off or put out like a fire is to take away from. It is an act of violence to the spirit-soul-body.

The idea to seek out inspiration agressively seems more powerful to me right now then it ever has not just because of my personal situation.
It's like deciding to recapture life again.

I mean life is lots of things even the dark cave of "depression" can be rich.

You know what?   I think depression is band-aid-land. It's like a BIG dark psychic band-aid on a wounded life that is trying to heal. Maybe.

While walking tonight, I looked up at an extraordinary clear sky, could hear live music emanating from some place about love.

It's nice that people favor love so much, as for me though, I much prefer inspiration. Good Night.


------------OR maybe not TAKEN AWAY but buried in a box, a time capsule that has things in there, dirty rusty old bits waiting for a very very long time.

[Hopalong]

Hi MB,
I credited Guest with the quote I meant to thank YOU for (brain addled).

As to inspiration, you're in that column for me.

Hops

[Meh]

Today, I had a computer issue and thought that I made it worse by trying to fix it. The computer is ok now. I freaked out a little bit. My computer and internet connection is a lifeline to me, it's the only convenience I have and I'm always trying to find information. Not only that but I need to type up a document for my volunteer gig.

The stupid place where I am staying wanted me to get "a note from my mother" to say why I couldn't stay with her to prove why I need to stay here. So I contacted my mother about it and felt horrible. It's been a few weeks since I have had contact with her and I feel better when I don't.
There is a sense I get of creepy meanness she has towards me. I hate her. I'm angry at her and I hate her.

Sometimes I wish someone would put their arms around me and say "I'm sorry you're not feeling well", "I'm sorry you had a crummy day".
But I think that most people at my age are not suppose to require that any longer, even if I had a friend that knew what was going on in my life, I still imagine them looking at me as if "what's wrong..aren't you old enough to handle all of this, why do you need a hug?"

I'm on my period and I just want to CRY!!!!! And I'm sort of laughing and sort of teary and I'm tired and I have a lot of crap to get done and to deal with. Who doesn’t?

A woman here in the shelter is now encouraging me to go to ACOA meetings.
She is a "recovering alcoholic" and I've had good conversations with her about the subject.

Still I don't really want to go for 4 reasons.
1) There are some people I don't want to become familiar with
2) I don't see it as a positive thing, I see it as a sad downer
3) More rewarding tasks could fill that time slot
4) Can't remember this reason right now I'm tired and emotional
5) I don't like the "higher power" stuff

I feel like the "higher power" stuff is dependent on me. I don't believe in god. I believe in some sort of human evolution so --the higher power concept just puts the burden back on me to evolve more (uh maybe power tripping) or something.
I'm not a scientologist-- I just believe in ideas that are more logic based rather then faith based.
Faith has not served me well in life. It seems naive to me.

Walking into the shelter tonight I felt claustrophobic and like I wanted to vomit. I think I just feel really out of control of my life and I don't like that feeling. I'm tired of being here. I try to make the best out things and I can for a short time but I don't really like the people here, they are not exactly friends. It's not a home. The energy is not good here because it's full of troubled people.

I think I feel disappointed right now. I'm glad tomorrow is a holiday because the places I need to go will be closed that means it will give me time to catch up with stuff I put off doing. Maybe.

[Meh]

Years ago I took a yoga class, another student in that class worked at a psychiatric institute and one day she told the class about two of the residents physically beating a third resident in a sneaky way so no bruises would show.

I have a hard time understand these types of things, I understand anger but I don't really get this sort of abuse.

There is something wrong with my mother's personality, she reminds me of the above scenario. There is something very screwed up about my mother and I'm not even sure that Narcissism or Co-dependency as related to alcoholism even describes my mother's meanness.

My mother enjoy's it when I'm struggling or having a difficult time in my life. It's not simply that I wish someone was there to give me a hug because I had a down day---It's that I DON'T want somebody in my life who is getting pleasure out of knowing that I'm having a bad day. I don't want someone in my life who thinks that I deserve to suffer.

Maybe she is not mentally ill, maybe she doesn’t have Narcissism, maybe she is just a very mean person.

Sometimes I imagine that all people are mean the way my mother is or have the same potential to be just like her as if it's just a component of human nature.

Knowing that I share genetic material with her sometimes disgusts me just a little bit. I don't want to be related to her.

I know it's immature but I want to write it anyways because I'm thinking it.

I'm hating the stupid shelter people for wanting documents from my family that explain why I can't stay with them.
I'm hating that b*tch right now I really am for requesting something this stupid. AND being stupid/ignorant enough to request it.
The shelter director might see lots of people come in and out and be familiar with all sorts of problems BUT SHE does NOT get it like I do.
I get angry when I see that people don't understand, people who are in some position of authority or power that think they know--and DON'T know.

My mother is a hideous b*tch of a person. It's as if she has one of those things inside of her from the "Alien" movie.
I'm convinced the makers of the Alien movie know my mother personally.

I know, "I'm in a bad mood right now". Why can't it just be a mood?

Why does being unhappy or angry have to be judged as "BAD" mood...instead of a MOOD.

What if feeling unhappy or angry was good because it's the natural response to a screwed up situation. That makes sense to me.

[Meh]

This stuff gets on my nerves because it doesn't seem authentic to me. I can't pin point any specifics in there it's just general gushy new-age crap. I swear to god the person who sent this to me must be in some form of denial. I just don't get it.
I'm suppose to say this to myself over and over again and it's going to change my life?

"EVERY CELL IN MY BODY IS HAPPY"?

Do Cells even get Happy??

You ever try to have a real conversation with one of these people, they get pissed if I ask questions. How can we conjure a power for good? Call it up? Like hocus pocus poof and a sprinkle of glitter now everything is better. It's almost like snake oil. I mean I believe in the power of prayer and positive thought but not this!!!

Reading this actually sounds nice at first to me but it also pisses me off. You know how it is, when you are just having a bad day or struggling and someone says "just smile". I'm smiling right now at my computer screen and I look like my teeth are bared like fangs, that is how well those ideas work. I can't fake a smile, I just can't!! They are real or they are not real. I'm no good at being inauthentic.

It's really not this communication that got me pissed off, it was the second communication that pissed me off.
Let's see non-violent communication...I felt angry when I read the second communication because it did not meet my need for authenticity and understanding.

"Dear One,
 right now as you read and absorb this pray that I speak in the first person, remember there is only One, really  only, One of us:
 
 There is a Power for Good in the universe and I call It up NOW!   I take a deep breath and deepen my  connection  with this Power for Good.  I breathe in and relax into this loving space, knowing I am being looked after!  Nothing can get in the way of this deep communion that is occurring with-in me NOW!   Each conscious breath I take reminds me how loved I AM.   I know I am loved, I repeat this affirmation over and over again.  I know I am loved, I know I am loved.  I know because the essence of me is LOVE!
 
In this powerful now moment I am experiencing and feeling my perfect employment, my perfect health and it feels great!  I am delighted with my new job and my radiant health   I am so happy, all those around me feel my new status, one of satisfation and delight!!!  I focus on these  things!     and let go of fear......[False Evidence Appearing Real.]   I write down what I want with color and gusto and await the Good that is ready to show up!!  I repeat, I am so grateful for my Good!
 
I am so grateful that I realize I am supported and loved by this fantastic Energy, It is all around ME I feel it, I allow the soothing glow to enter my body, mind and Spirit................ I place my arms around myself and just experience Gods love, guidance and support.
 
I now accept my perfect employment with gusto, I arrive with a happy smile on my face, from this moment forward. I am patience, peace filled and lighthearted....... Life is Good, I am Good! I am blessed. and so it is

"EVERY CELL IN MY BODY IS HAPPY!!"





Oh well whatever, it's not important. I have tried everything. I have, I even did try these stupid affirmations 13 years ago.

I've tried everyTHING

I have been to therapists.
I have been to group therapy.
I tried prozac, paxil, zoloft, wellbutrin. --How could people that "cared" about me put me on that junk?
I have done exercise addiction.
I have changed myself physically.
I have read self help books.
I have talked to people about it.
I have gone to various meditation classes of different styles.
I have done emotional catharting.
I have done journaling.
I have done distractions.
I have done workaholism.
I have done vacationing.

Something is still very very wrong in my life. Maybe it's not me.

I'm really tired of trying. I'm tired of trying to fix my life and fix me and make things better. REALLY REALLY tired. The only reason why I don't give up is out of fear, it's not out of authentic motivation. I'm exhausted really really really exhausted like a volcano crater empty of all the lava and about to cave in.

I can see why I was so introverted in highschool, I retreated into a smaller and smaller center circle that was more ME and less of the WORLD.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

[Meh]

You know what, I think I just write the same old crap all the time. Just some kind of self agonizing. I'm exhausted of my "stuff".

I'm really done with self help this is why I don't want to do the ACOA meetings. More process more agonizing as if I have not done that enough already!!!!!!

I have known exactly what I wanted my whole life. Even though one of the energy healers I went to years ago told me I didn't know what I wanted. I KNOW WHAT I WANT. Every day. I mean how passive can I be in my own ability to know for myself what I want.

When people are telling me what I think.... can I just say EEEEEEEEEEEEEE WRONG!      BuZZZZZZZZZZZZ! WRONG

That is WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG, NO can't hear you, not listening. WRONG.

Or "What makes you right"...."what makes you think that you know more about me then I know about myself"

I don't know why I'm writing this, I think some of my motivation to get into the self help when I was younger was that people were confused about me and by me and thought that I was off. People always act like their not sure what is going on with me or my life.

I'm tired of dumbfounded people explaining my life to ME.

wow, I sound really b@tchy. WOW.

I just think that when I was going to therapy sometimes the therapists served to put more FOG into my life. First I had to beg them to give me prozac, after that first prescription was filled all doctors ever did was look at the precedence of a prescription to justify more.

No therapist ever told me I was an Adult Child of Alcoholics, no therapist even wanted to discuss alcoholism in my family, no therapist explained to me that my mother was Narcissistic. Therapists just wanted to talk about me being a "DEPRESSIVE". Therapists labeled me.
That stupid label didn't EXPLAIN anything, it only confused me. It's regretful.  

I'm tired of people treating me like "whats wrong with you". NO what's wrong with you?---wait a minute I DON'T CARE!

I'm too tired and too emotional to make any freaken sense.

Tired of parents, school teachers, shelter directors, social workers, therapists, tired of politely sitting there having the obligatory interactions with these people THE WAY THEY WANT the conversation to go. I'm tired of being talked to. I'm tired of being managed. I'm tired of being somebody's social experiment. I'm tired of people MESSING WITH ME!!! I'm tired of people thinking that my time is so valueless that they have the right to waste it.   I'm not doing it anymore. I'm having my conversations. I'm going to see my life just however I see it-- that is what it is.
GOOD NIGHT.

I'm tired of being nice. I'm ok with polite, but I'm really tired of nice. I hate nice. Really really hate nice. Like, I will go get the dog leash and put it around my own neck myself to make it easier for you to drag me around the block.

I'm just totally pissed off at having to get a "note from my mother" and all sorts of stupid stuff.

[Meh]

I'm tired of being around sick, anorexic, alcoholic, recovering meth-addicts, raped and molested women, poor people.

It's like the biggist social rejects are the ones that were f@cked up the most in life.

How does my mother call these people "low lifes"......I'm tired of being a "low life", I'm tired of being around "low-lifes", I'm tired of people who hate and judge "low lifes".

You know why they are called low-lifes, it means low-life forms, what is the significance of that---well if a person is a "low-life" it means that you can treat them like they are nothing, garbage, foul, worthless, unwanted, undeserving creatures.

Women here internalize all of that--- I have heard them say they feel like "unwanted garbage" or "white trash" "unworthy".

I think it is all a sick social system.

[lighter]

Muffin:

I think anyone would tire of being the "identified patient" when their family members are the ones with personality disorders.

It's so dreadfully unfair.

Also, your mother may not be an N.

She may be a sociopath with heavy N features, or a borderline personality disordered person, or any number of co-morbid possibilities.

Sometimes, you just have to accept that you'll never know, for sure, and stop trying to figure it out.

About that letter to the shelter lady......

I think it would be interesting if you wrote that letter, for your own benefit (don't actually send your version, of course):

Dear Dim Shelter Lady:

Muffin may not live in my home, because I'm a mean personality disordered person, who likes to view herself as a caring tough-love kind of mother,  who would take Muffin in if it was in her best interest.  It's not, but for reasons different than any you could conjure on your own, but back to me.  Muffin has always been a weak, confused child, who has no idea what she wants, when she should have just accepted the mantle I thrust apon her.  Too strong willed.  Unable to completely suspend her belief in reality...... just a very difficult child, as you can imagine.  Your shelters full of just such "types."  I know you understand.  Tisk tisk, yes?

Muffin doesn't understand my need to marginalize her humanity.  She still struggles under the strain of my efforts.  If Muffin could just lie there, and take it, whimpering occassionally to show she's paying attention but otherwise compliant, I'd let her come home.  Sure I would, and you believe me, right?  Of course you do, bc you want to.  It makes more sense than the truth...... I hate my child and causing her to suffer brings me...... relief.  So, if you look at this the right way, Muffin could come home, but chooses not to.  I would think that this constitutes a willful display on Muffin's part that perhaps should lose her her space at the shelter.  Don't you?

Not that I'd welcome her here, even if she did comply, if you haven't figured that out yet.  I only wrote that because you're easily manipulated.  Well, let me fill you in, sweetcheeks..... this is how I treat Muffin, and I'll always treat her this way.  It's not what I do, it's what I am, and I'll never change, bc I can't.  If I could, I would. 

Please understand that I love my daughter.  I wish her the best in this life.... and if you should find it necessary to put her out on the street, I wish that too.

Sincerely,

Muffin's PDMother

I don't know enough about your relationship with your mother to do that letter justice, Muffin.  Maybe it would help you to write it yourself, maybe not.   

Your latest posts have the sound of someone who's coming to grips with a painful truth, your mother will never love you the way you deserved to be loved.

Your anger is justified, and will perhaps help move you to a place where you can give yourself permission to trust and mother yourself.

Give you permission to give up hope that your mother will ever change.

Lighter

[Meh]

Eating little "health food" versions of chocolate peanut butter cups, tried hard to find a quiet corner in a cafe to sit with computer but no luck, Sunday is a busy day around this town and the cafes are packed at every inch, I woke up in a better mood, went on my quest for volunteer gig outfits and found another $2.00 shirt it has a little orange in it just like I have pictured in my mind. Sitting on a hard, black leather sofa, I'm uncomfortable in my clothes right now, jeans too tight or muscles too tight, like a squirming kid I want to take my jeans off and kick the table in front of me and scream, ok that is way over exagerated, but if I was a kid that is exactly what I would do. I would break something, rip my clothes off and cry and scream until my face was red and wet with tears, I would probably pull my hair and do a lot of kicking and hitting.  

I don't have any hope that my mother will change. When a person is financially desperate like I am at the moment, I will take any help I can get like when my mother gives me a box of tampons, I take it.

I normally don't say this but sometimes I need help, I don't believe that I can live my life all on my own never needing anybody.
My whole life I have tried to become someone who never needs anything or anybody.
I don't have anything to say today. Only that my stress level, for various reasons is way beyond normal.
Guess I can just write down all the things that are a worry to me and all the things I have to do, it would help to write it down probably.

When I can't control certain situations (not mother) other- ones, when I can't control -- the result is I get angry at myself.
So I can be angry at all sorts of people around me and at society at a whole and be angry at myself also. It's a lot to carry around.

Some things are worth getting angry about though- it just indicates that it's important. Oh, and that I'm not getting what I want.

Right now, I know that it's not in my best interest to contract and disconnect and introvert and worry, I know that I need to expand and seek outwards for new experiences and possibility. I need to have a plan for the next three weeks, I know it sounds stupid but I plan out my weeks like a person does for work the day-planning thing, it helps me to stay on task and helps me a little bit with the worry.

Organizing and planning maybe is part of my control-stuff but it does help me to be a little more calm if I know that I'm getting things done.

[Meh]

@Lighter,

Thanks for the mock-dim-shelter-lady letter.

[Meh]

William Wordsworth
Lines Written in Early Spring
 

I heard a thousand blended notes,
While in a grove I sate reclined,
In that sweet mood when pleasant thoughts
Bring sad thoughts to the mind.

To her fair works did Nature link
The human soul that through me ran;
And much it grieved my heart to think
What man has made of man.

Through primrose tufts, in that green bower,
The periwinkle trailed its wreaths;
And ’tis my faith that every flower
Enjoys the air it breathes.

The birds around me hopped and played,
Their thoughts I cannot measure:--
But the least motion which they made
It seemed a thrill of pleasure.

The budding twigs spread out their fan,
To catch the breezy air;
And I must think, do all I can,
That there was pleasure there.

If this belief from heaven be sent,
If such be Nature’s holy plan,
Have I not reason to lament
What man has made of man?