Reaching Out

[Twoapenny]

I am doing inner child work.  I feel raw.  I had a session with my T today which was tough going but I feel glad that I am starting on this piece.  It feels like the final chapter, all be it a very big one!  I find it impossible to reach out to my friends and tell them what I need.  My child is so silent. so stifled, so voiceless, that literally nothing comes out when I try to speak.  A friend called this morning and asked how I was.  I ignored the question and asked her about her weekend instead.  About ten minutes later I did mention that I'd been having flashbacks, but then immediately started talking about something else, giving her no room to ask me anything or offer any kind of comfort.  I shut her out completely, without even realising I was doing it (until I thought about the conversation afterwards).  I feel desperate for human contact, real human contact, someone to hug me, rub my back, soothe me and hold me, without any of it being sexual or having any kind of connotation of anything else.  The last time someone held me in their arms and made me feel safe I was seven.  I'd fallen off a slide and cut my leg.  My dad appeared at the gate as I hobbled down the hill towards the house and he scooped me up and carried me inside to clean me up.  He died the next year.  I haven't felt safe since. I still miss him so much.

Thank you for being there, all of you.  I don't know where I would be without you. xx

[sKePTiKal]

Hey - I'm out here this afternoon (night for you?). This first bit is really raw... and if you can find someone you're comfortable talking to about it, you've got closer 3-D friends than I do!! It all sounds a little loony to others... but it's highly personal, intimate and private work. It's important work, too. You're starting to have a relationship with a part of you... that was too painful to approach and accept for awhile. This can be a real delicate stage - so be extra careful of yourself and extra kind.

It's interesting your longing to be held and the memory you have associated with it. That sounds like little Penny is still grieving; she very well could be. But those kinds of memories can bring comfort too... as you recall how safe you felt; how protected; how much you were cared for. In a way, I guess those are the kinds of memories that make it possible to face the other kinds of memories. I kept returning - in memory - to my grandma's house for the same reasons. Even in memory, there was refuge and quiet and blueberry pie. I wasn't just listened to... I was actually talked to... and held... and even had my back rubbed as I fell asleep (to overcome the anxiety about being afraid to sleep). My grandma died when I was 6 or 7. BEFORE the other stuff happened...

... but those memories are still what I return to when I really, really, really need to feel safe...

... maybe you can just sit with the feeling of safety inyour memories of your dad for a few days. Remember. Let little Penny feel safe with you... and remembering. And then perhaps you'll find ways to reach out to your friends.

Until this feeling passes... (and it always does)

here's a GREAT BIG HUG... and we'll just sit and breathe and relax together...

[Twoapenny]

Thank you, Phoenix.  I can't write any more right now, but thank you ((((()))))) xxxxx

[Hopalong]

For you, Tupp...gentle hugs, spongey shoulder, patient hearing, no prodding, and...

Mental cookies.

Or cornbread.

You're daydreaming safely in a quiet sunny kitchen with a comfy old cushion under you on an old wooden chair.

Wonderful baking smells--cinnamon, vanilla--and ticking from an old-fashioned wall clock. Nothing fashionable about this kitchen. It's clean and well worn, just where good smells and good food are done. The faucet drips just every now and then -- a musical sound as it plops into the sink.

A kitty cat stands up and stretches so luxuriously she practically turns into a "U". Her tongue does that funny cat-curl as it unfurls. She wiggles and rearranges and plops back down in a new patch of sun. The old linoleum holds the warmth and the whole room's radiantly safe.

You're coloring at the table, doodling away. Big box of crayons. Nothing to do.

Somebody has a radio on softly in another room, cheerful music. You feel completely safe and at home.

A bird hops around outside the kitchen door, all busy. The sky is blue with a couple wisps of cloud.

You feel warm, and relaxed. Maybe a little sleepy...

love,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

A couple of nights ago I was walking up the stairs at my mothers house to wake up my little boy and take him home after I finished at the hospital.  I had found a sleeve of saltines in her pantry and was eating them as I walked thinking about how much I wanted a glass of milk that I had at home.  As I stepped higher, I flashed back to my childhood when I would spend the night at my mother's parents, whom I loved, and they would tuck me in with a glass of milk and a dish with a few crackers.  It felt safe - in my memory and right there on the stairs.

I wish for you that you can blow that memory of your father up like a balloon, making it bigger and bigger until it fills your consciousness and becomes present right now, protecting you from what memories are lurking in that unconscious and subconscious.

Wishing you that feeling of comfort may become larger and larger.

[sKePTiKal]

Lucky Penny -

Good morning! How are you feeling now? Did you sleep well? I hope so. Sleep and even dreaming, will help you get through this work... stronger, clearer, if not faster. I'm glad to hear that your T is helping to guide you through this.

I hope she's suggested pacing yourself... doing a bit and then "resting" back into your ordinary life, doing mundane ordinary things... and finding your own special "self-care", self-soothing techniques. Writing in your journal about "the current topic" could help you discover what you need in the way of comfort, caring, and safety, now too. That will clear the way for you to reach out to your friends in 3-D, for support, without going into what I call "the gory details". And that process also establishes a connection between the raw of emotion of little penny... and the adult Lucky Penny's ability to understand complex emotional situations... to sort out the things that little penny couldn't "digest" way back when... help her process it and come to terms with it and let it go.... now. You are big enough to contain the emotions; to bear the difficult parts; you won't come flying all apart... despite how scared little penny might be. Try to find compassion for yourself and her (and yes, in this stage even self-pity is a useful emotion...).

What you are doing now, is rather extraordinary and very, very special. For me, this work was the start of becoming "whole" - a whole person, not compartmentalized, or fragmented... as I reclaimed a part of myself - and loved it healthy again - that I'd literally not remembered for oh... 30 some years. While you're probably immersed in the emotional side of the process at the moment... it's important to come back out to your adult mind's ability to take each chunk of the puzzle... examine each piece completely and understand the significance of it; especially the context - where it fits in the overall puzzle of you. As you build a relationship with little Penny... the picture of the puzzle will start to make more sense... (the journal is a good place to do this)

... you might find that little Penny wants to go faster than you can or want to. Or on some days, she might want to rest while you're impatient to get to the next part. This is a relationship - a REAL relationship - I can't stress that part enough; that you're developing with yourself. It's just like, say... you heard something outside your front door and when you opened it... you found little penny crying there. What do you do? Well, the bits I've learned about you... I can imagine your heart just goes out to her... and you gently bring her in and hold her and rock her till the crying subsides and she is warm & snuggly. As any mom knows, they next phase is clean her up and feed her... find her some pjs... and tuck her into bed with a soft stuffed animal to cling to & hug. She will sleep sometimes; she'll complain "do I have to?"'; she'll stick her tongue out at you, too! And when you least expect it... you'll find that she comes and hugs you back, too. She will bring you treasures...

As I recall, the first part of this work was exhausting. My "Twiggy" was oh so desperate for simple attention from me I didn't realize I needed to give her. I had a form of amnesia - blocked memories - that Twiggy knew but that I couldn't retrieve; I wasn't allowed to - without some kind of fearful punishment or consequence. It was TABOO... off limits... so "bad" that I wasn't even allowed to remember it. That level of fear had to be lowered some... I had to learn a way to just relax enough... that I could sort of tap Twiggy's shoulder and start the conversation (and this happened the other way around, too). The fear part dissipated quickly... once Twiggy started talking, it was really hard to get a word in edgewise! She had LOTS to say... and she's still overly "chatty"... that was something she'd been shamed for; punished for...

I think she's making up for lost time! 

[Twoapenny]

Thank you so much. You are such wonderful people.  I don't know how I would be getting through this without you.

Hops, I love that kitchen.  That is how I want my kitchen to be - sunny and warm and full of good smells and lots of good things to eat.  You have given me somewhere to go in my mind and something practical to focus on when I want to escape my mind and think about something else.  The house is so much easier now all the clutter has gone (yay!) and I can start doing a little bit at a time to make it soothing and comfortable.  Thank you for your kind words and your love.  Thank you (((((Hopsie))))))))

GS, Thank you.  I will work on blowing up that memory of my dad.  The good memories have been buried with the bad ones.  I get glimpses of them and they go again.  I miss him so much.  I remember sitting in the kitchen with him, learning how to draw trees and robins.  He taught me how to make butter out of milk.  He used to make me magic tea when I felt ill.  I had to go out of the room while he made it because he had to call the fairies to sprinkle dust in it to make me feel better.  He said they were shy and wouldn't come if I was there.  It was just hot tea with masses of sugar in it, but I never told him I knew that.  I loved how he made me feel.  He called me his little princess.  We used to stand and peel potatoes together and he'd tell me about the chip van he used to have with his brother.  That was why he could peel potatoes really fast.  I remember sitting with him watching a memorial service on TV.  He didn't talk about the war much, and I was so young I didn't understand its significance anyway.  But I sat with him and there was such emotion in his face.  He was trying not to cry, and he saluted all those brave people that had died.  I didn't understand at the time, but that was who he was - caring, compassionate and brave.  After he died my mum slagged him off constantly.  She told us over and over again how hard he made her life, how selfish he was, how he drank constantly and how he physically abused her.  It was only years later, as an adult, that I realised that every fight I ever saw between them was started by her.  I saw her threaten him with an axe and a carving knife.  I watched her throw things at him; she'd smash plates against the wall and throw saucepans at him.  She threw a frying pan at my sister one time, it only missed her because she jumped out of the way.  I lost all the good memories underneath all the bad stuff.  I think I will write down everything I remember about him and keep it somewhere safe, so I can reconnect with those good feelings.  Thank you for sharing with me (((((((GS)))))))))

Phoenix, thank you.  I hardly slept at all last night, I felt like I'd been run over.  I got up about 1am and had a hot bath to try and relax and fell asleep about 4am.  I have rested today though, and I am in bed at the minute.  I've not pushed myself at all I'm just giving myself time to recover.  I am glad I have got the process started though.  I have always had so much trouble connecting with my feelings - good and bad.

You are right about people not understanding the inner child stuff!  I haven't mentioned it to anyone.  I think if I start talking about listening to my inner child and letting her speak they will all think I'm mad!  But if feels so right at the minute, like this whole other person who needs to be listened to.  It's interesting what you say about the memories, and about your little one having them but you not being able to get to them.  I know what he did to me, but I don't remember.  I feel it, and I sense it, but there's no picture in my mind.  I get wisps of it, flashes, like a film clip or a photograph.  It's always really softly focused, a couple of seconds and it's gone.  I don't want her to have to deal with that on her own anymore.  I want to help her set it all free.  Thank you for sharing your own experiences with me.  It helps so much to hear someone else describe what is going on in my head.  It makes me feel much less alone.  Thank you (((((((((Phoenix))))

Thank you all for what you are doing for me.  I am very lucky to have such good virtual friends xxx

[sKePTiKal]

It will be OK. It will be All Right...

there is massive wisdom in the feelings; all of them. Absolutely nothing to fear there*. The feelings are another kind of "brain". They even have logic in what appears to be non-logical.

Not saying it will be pleasant or easy; but what you - and little penny - are afraid of is gone now. All that's left are the feelings... and I expect you'll be surprised how much those feelings will reveal; what gems of your Self and reality... you'll discover.

Rest... until you're ready to do more.

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, Phoenix.  I feel better today.  Slept better last night and have woken up feeling less raw - still exhausted but yesterday felt like someone had ripped all my skin off.  I don't feel like that today.  We've got a really quiet weekend planned.  Next session isn't till Thursday so hopefully will have a few 'normal' days in between!

Can I ask (feel free if you don't want to answer, I know it's very personal and completely understand), did you feel at all silly when you first started talking/thinking about your inner child?  I'm still having trouble shaking off that sort of 'multiple personality' feeling.  I know that's not what it is but it's how i think others would see it if I told them I was going to my therapist so she can counsel my inner twelve year old!  I felt quite self- conscious at counselling last time.  Yesterday I felt very much like little Penny - today I feel like a grown up again, all be it a tired and worn out one!  Just wondered if the whole concept made you feel at all uncomfortable at any time?  Like I say, feel free not to answer, I know it's very personal stuff.

Thank you for reaching back when I reached out!  It's really helped me.  Thank you xxxxx

[Twoapenny]

I wanted to share this as well.  It may upset or offend.  I am sorry if it does that; it is always difficult with 'sensitive' stuff because I know it can trigger feelings in people going through similar.  But I would be interested to know if anyone else has experienced similar, so I hope you can forgive me if I upset anybody.

One of the things that's come up in the last couple of days (in relation to the sexual abuse I experienced) is/was an overwhelming desire (need? command?) to protect my mum from feeling rejected.  I was desperate for her not to think he preferred me to her and went out of my way to be incredibly nice and loving towards her.  I feel slightly sick as I write that down.  It is not something I had thought of or realised before, at least not in that sense.

I'm sorry if that is upsetting for anyone.  I felt I needed to get it off my chest.  Thank you.

[sKePTiKal]

Hi Penny!

I can talk about this - I hope without going off the deep end!

Yes, I felt reeeeeaaaallly odd in the beginning and worried about DID - dissociative identity disorder, multiple personalities, the whole bit. But then, I was the epitome of a worrier (and only slightly improved these days!). My T taught me what seemed like a self-hypnosis technique... and she "introduced" me to me (Twiggy) right in her office. That was after a year of working with her and a break or two. After that I worked on my own to retrieve what Twiggy knew and felt... and then we discussed that together. She, of course, knew exactly where we were going - because I'd typed a letter for her describing my parent's situation back then... and that "fateful day"... right up to where I couldn't remember anymore. I gave that to her on my first visit, apologetically explaining that maybe it would speed things up so she wouldn't have to spend so much time helping me!! 

That's a hoot, from this side of things you know? Obviously, all my assumptions and prejudices and fears about therapy played into that... and that story was the biggest abnormal "event" that I could remember. I never caught the significance of the letter and it's contents... until a long time later.

But the inner child work? I quickly adjusted to it... I "liked" the me I was back then; and I even missed her. In the beginning, because it seemed freaky-odd to be trying to form a relationship with myself I didn't say a word to anyone about the work I was doing - not even to hubs. When he asked why I was sitting for 15-30 minutes every morning and then writing till my fingers caught on fire... I just told him it was a therapy "homework" assignment, to help with my anxiety. (He bought that, 'coz it was really helping with the anxiety.) I can't remember exactly how long I stayed in the "getting to know you" and earning the trust of Twiggy stage... but we didn't just jump into all the awful stuff. Maybe a month or two? Long enough, I guess... that I became comfortable with the idea that when Twiggy told me her secrets...and re-lived a lot of them including all the feelings... while I "felt" them too... I was still able to stay separate enough from her experience (awful awful awful as it was) that I was still able to function - go to work, etc. Mind you, the dust and hairballs collected a lot more in the house!

I became fascinated with this whole side of myself and kept uncovering more, and more, and more - after I yanked the band-aid off the part where I "couldn't remember" now. At that point, I was moving so fast my T kept saying slow down...!  It was like I just couldn't get enough of "me"... and I was life/death desperate to "get to the other side" of the work - because it felt so GOOD. Feeling GOOD was like a brand-new experience for me. I couldn't get enough; I couldn't get tired of it, full enough. And then, one day - I knew it was all done; no more story... Twiggy got quiet, didn't have anything else to say... and we moved to another phase of the work.

You're going to notice a transition period - from when you're side by side with little Penny, going through things with her and when you return to "normal". For me, it was a sort of fuzzy place - like waking up or coming back from a really vivid daydream. As you practice, you'll notice that the transition time needed gets shorter... and you can drop in on little Penny and check something out with her... and then drop right back into your normal consciousness... even tho' I'm sure the topics you two discuss will figure prominently in your thoughts! It's as if she'll be giving you experiences to process - to try to come to grips with, understand, digest for her... and then let go. You're a fully grown, tiger-mama now... and you can do this FOR little Penny.

Not everyone can do this work, this way. Not everyone likes their inner child.

One of the things that's come up in the last couple of days (in relation to the sexual abuse I experienced) is/was an overwhelming desire (need? command?) to protect my mum from feeling rejected.  I was desperate for her not to think he preferred me to her and went out of my way to be incredibly nice and loving towards her.  I feel slightly sick as I write that down.  It is not something I had thought of or realised before, at least not in that sense.

I experienced this in a slightly different way (my dad didn't abuse me) but I can still relate to it. My mom was completely jealous of the fact that I could talk to - and wanted to talk to - my dad. He even showed me how to weld out in the garage! My dad was the only one of my parents who accepted me as "me"... my mom only saw me as the way she wanted me to be - with parts of her personality projected onto me - like characteristics written on postit notes and stapled to my skin (and yes it hurt that much). She exaggerated my "preference" for him, into all kinds of horrible filthy things in her imagination and even accused him of them... and insisted on keeping me away from him. (The better to project more of her crap onto me...)

So, we practically had to keep our contact with each other "secret" from her - and this evolved into what I'm now calling "protecting the sick person at the center of the FOO". Even as an adult, with my own kids and 20 years or more after their divorce... my brother & I kept our visits to Dad a secret from mom because she would always get upset, lob guilt-bombs at us, and then generally blame us for the awful funk she put herself into.

So the details - and reasons for why you protected mom - in your story are probably very different. We're coming at the sort of the same thing - but from completely different angles. I'm pretty steady these days with Twiggy's story; we're well into another kind of work now... so whle I can't guarantee that anything you ask or want to share won't absolutely touch me and move me or even trigger me... please don't hesitate to ask! You can even PM me, if you're not ready to put something out for general consumption.

One of my areas of (probably excessive) pride is in self-sufficiency. I like to think I can do almost anything - learn how, even - all by myself. But when I was working at the stage you're at... I think I lived on the board!  Not everything got posted here... at least not until I'd thoroughly worked through it enough that I didn't sound like a complete wacko. It took me awhile to feel comfortable enough to try to work through something here, with everyone's help. But I so needed to see, hear and even experience vicariously the kind of advice, support, and help thinking things through that goes on here. Even if it was for someone else... I needed to know that there are soothing words... that people care... it really, really, really helped me... even just to read.

I guess I'm still here... because it's still the same kind of place and it's my turn to try to help.

((((((((twoapenny))))))))

[Twoapenny]

Wow, Phoenix.  I am over whelmed by your honesty and your insight - and the similarities I see in so many things that you write.  Thank you so much.  I will write more later - I want to read that post through a lot, there was so much in there that was waving at me

Thank you (((((((()))))))))

[Twoapenny]

Thank you, Phoenix, for sharing so much with me.  I am finding it difficult sometimes to know whether it is me or her talking.  Sometimes it's really clear - I feel like I'm 12 all over again.  Other times it's much murkier.  I am trying not to think about that too much, I'm just dotting down what is in my head and hopefully my therapist will help me wade through it all next time I see her.  It's really helpful to speak to someone who's been through it, though, and hear you say that it felt really good the other side.  I was a bit worried that I might open it all up and never be able to fix it, that I might just get stuck in a bad place forever.  So it's good to know that isn't how you experienced it.  I feel so tired at the minute, but I'm finding it hard to rest and not do too much.  I think part of me wants to keep busy so no more can come out, the other part needs to rest and let it flow.  I guess it's an old struggle that will take time to level out.  Whatever is going on at the minute, I'm glad I started doing it.

I have tried to reach out to my friends.  I haven't mentioned all this inner child stuff to them - I think that's a step too far, but I have explained that I'm really struggling and that I'm 're-experiencing' a lot of old stuff and I'm finding it hard to cope.  They've been supportive, on the whole, and have said to ring anytime I want to talk.  One of them has offered to organise a night away somewhere for a little break.  I don't know if it will happen because there's not really anyone to have my son for the night, but the offer is a nice one, and maybe I can get a babysitter at some stage for him.  I've arranged a little holiday for the end of next month - just a few days away, but it's something nice to look forward to.  I've been doing bits and pieces of DIY around the house so I feel like I'm getting my house in order, so to speak!

What you say about your mum being jealous of your dad is really interesting.  It was my step-dad who abused me, but after my dad died my mum did nothing but badmouth him and paint herself as some sort of hapless victim who had to endure all sorts of terrible things from him.  She claims none of his family ever got in touch after he died or wanted to see me or my sister.  I wonder if any of it is true.  She's lied so much I don't think she knows fact from fiction anymore.  I wonder if she's even jealous of my little boy - she's tried so hard to come between me and him.  She's got no chance against the Tiger-Mama!!

Thank you for sharing so much.  I really appreciate it.  It has helped me a lot.  I've read that post over and over again and it really makes sense to me.  Thank you, Phoenix

((((((((((((((((((((Phoenix))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[sKePTiKal]

You are very welcome!

I well remember how scared I was about what "lurked" on the other side of my last real memory - before the "blank spot". I hadn't found the board yet... but I was a member on AfterSilence - a site that's for survivors of sexual abuse - and had heard of some people there doing inner child work. Even though my rape dates back to 1968-69 and was a one-time event... people there understood how when I "remembered" it was just like a current event. I started working through the yuck... stage by stage. Because I was skeptical of "recovered memories"... I researched - and was able to begin validating the memory chronology of events that I was putting together. (Later, my classmates from that year (5th grade) found me on facebook - and I'm tentatively renewing some of those relationships; they are helping me "remember" details, too.)

Glad I could help - and you can return the favor the next time I need it or pass it on to someone else.

[Twoapenny]

Happy to return it anytime, many times over and to many people!! xx